Month: July 2015

Yahoo Serious cooking armadillo over an open fire at Rib Fest today

Posted on by Hosehead

Every time it gets this hot it makes me think of putting on a mesh shirt, cut off jean shorts that show the pockets, and a pair of glasses that have that beautiful top frame. Kind of like this.

Rib Fest is currently going on. Sara and I are venturing down there after she is finished work. How many people have been turned to the dark side by bacon or ribs?

Started watching the show “Humans” recently. Very good scifi show about a group of androids that are able to think for themselves. And the people hunting them. 8.6/10

I have developed ways to move a tale forward told by a long-winded story teller. This only works if you have already heard the story. If you haven’t, you will need to suffer or just be a douche and walk away. You throw in key words that ruin mediocre story parts that are anti-climactic. Try it out. Just not on me, you dick.

A sleeveless Neo jacket from the Matrix is an outfit that we witnessed yesterday. When you put that on there is no telling where the night could end. Are you fighting crime, going to an underground club, or are you just going to the local Money Mart?

Nothing good ever happens when a group of people are holding sticks that have fire bellowing off of the end of it while walking in unison towards a building. If you are in that building, there is no reasoning with them. They have already made up their mind. And you should leave now.

Amy Schumur is the new sweetheart of the world. This seems to happen to us every year or so. We broke up with Jennifer Lawrence, and are now dating Amy Schumur. We are also still casually flirting with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as well. But it’s nothing. I swear it’s nothing.

(Pan-Am Games rant)

People are extremely upset about Kanye West being the entertainment for the closing ceremonies. They are just trying to sell tickets. What they should have done is have a Canadian act as the co-headliner. Arcade Fire, Drake, or even Hedley could have been the token Canadian act. Why are we so angry about this anyways? Most people didn’t want the games to begin with, and now we are getting upset about the act that they get to close the ceremonies. Yes, he is a megalomaniac. Yes, he is a jerk. But he is one of the biggest names in music and he sells tickets.

Back to regularly scheduled programming. There are people that can’t smell asparagus in their pee. It’s a very small percentage of people, and I wish I was one of them.

I know that there is consequences when I am going to eat a Blizzard. It’s a real balance with how good it’s going to taste, and how bad you are going to feel. Every bite is putting another bullet into the lactose gun. Maybe if I put more chocolate into it I will not be quite as injured? There are many ways you can tip the scales into a more favorable format, but in the end. You still lose, and so does your significant other.

Sometimes I felt bad for the gentle giant at parties. Every time some rough housing would start people would look to him to fix the situation. It was always the same guy that started shit. Now thinking back, the gentle giant should have had pepper spray. That always slows everybody down. Maybe not Jean Claude Van Damme, but the average 106 lb shit talker from Letterkenny, yes.

You had to be stoned to do the camera work for Polka Dot Door. Panning the camera over to a stuffed bear pretending that he is saying something witty is a weird job to have.

bear

Did Yahoo Serious ever sue the search engine Yahoo? He is probably in the outback cooking Armadillo over an open fire as we speak; looking at a “Young Einstein” poster with a single tear running down his face. He might not even know that the internet was created. Or did he create it? Things to think about on a balmy Sunday morning in the tri-cities.

Rapa Nui – 6.1/10 (early 90’s flick)

This is a movie about the aboriginal people that lived on Easter Island. The scenery is nice. Acting is ok. The only reason to watch it is that they have a training montage to prepare for the Birdman competition. No, Michael Keaton is not in this gem.

Top 3 things to do to prepare for Rib Fest.

1. Consume many vegetables the days leading up to the event.
2. Speak caveman, eat meat from bone
3. Put on a mesh shirt and a sleeveless Neo Matrix jacket

Advertisement

Extinct Animals Uncomfortable at Big Music Fest

Posted on by Hosehead

Yesterday featured Soundgarden, Jane’s Addiction, Monster Truck, and Extreme at Big Music Fest. I am fairly certain that there was a memo sent out to play as heavy as possible. It seems as though with the cancellation of Rod Stewart that Kitchener is about to overtake the city known as the Hammer for their love of heavy music.

Palm Bay had a small tent on the premises. Sara and I were nearby a lady that I was unsure about. She was all over the map. Singing along to Extreme, and “wooooing,” at very odd times. Then in an instant her top was pulled down. And boobs were out. This was an unexpected turn of events. I forgot to mention that this was 5:30 in the afternoon.

The worst shirt of the day goes to the guy that we saw in the washroom line. “Hit her in the shitter;” it had a stick figure woman throwing up, with a man directly behind her. He was a steroid junky that looked like he could have been cast in Jersey Shore. This is not only the worst shirt of the day. It could be the worst of all-time.

Nobody is more apologetic then when they step on their own cat’s tail. It’s not because we are that sorry, we just know the cat is going to be a dick after this.

Jose Gonzalez was the main act for the Winnipeg Folk Festival. Here’s the updated score of Winnipeg versus the rest of Canada. Winnipeg 2 – Canada 198.

We took the bus yesterday. I am always unsure of the bus. I always relate it back to Jim Jefferies comedy sketch. “I don’t need to take the bus. I have a car. I am choosing to take the bus. Because I am a responsible person.”

I am starting to get a bit of a beer gut. My running routine has gotten off track. Mainly, because I am now used to air-conditioning and I would rather run in a gym, and I have not joined one as of yet.

Remember when it was cool to disrespect the cops? Why was this ever cool? This is the one group of people that can make your life tough. You don’t go to a border agent, trying to get across the border and start talking smack.

The McDonalds on Ottawa St last night did an excellent job of feeding many drunk rockers. They pulled together nicely as a unit, and I commend them for this.

As you grow older as a man; your eyebrows begin to get out of whack. Working in a retail position for many years I have realized that roughly two percent of old men don’t give a fu**.

There is a type of cheese called mild. What does this even mean? Do you not want it to taste like anything? “Shaped like cheese, but tastes like nothing please.”

Back in the middle ages did men really get catapulted over walls? There is no was that I would be comfortable with this. There is absolutely nothing that you can do if you get shot directly into the wall.

Young children grabbing the garbage’s and old men handing out water bottles. Felt like Walmart at the music festival yesterday.

It was surprising that there was no medical issues or fights that I witnessed yesterday. Middle-aged rockers in Kitchener can handle their drugs and alcohol. There were many proud people when Cornell stated that the stage was in a big haze of pot smoke, and that it was likely that they might forget some of the songs. This is when proud Kitchener folk do their “woooooing.” “We are getting him fu**ed up. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

Big Game – 9.0/10

Big Game was excellent. It’s a cute movie about an attempted assassination on the President of the United States, played by Samuel L. Jackson; and a Finnish boy that is attempting to make his Father proud by hunting for big game on his own. You will have to watch it to see how it formulates together.

What is the deal with these shirts that you can wear that show off pictures on your back when you get sunburnt? The images I mainly see is of dragons. This sounds about right.

Ask Siri what 0 divided by 0 is. You will not be disappointed.

Top 3 things overheard at a concert, but nowhere else.

1. Do you think anybody will notice if I just go piss in the corner of the beer gardens?
2. The best value is the cider. It’s $10.00, but it’s in a tall can.
3. These wood chips aren’t too bad to sit on. At least they soak in the smell of the garbage.

There was a nearly extinct animal at the concert yesterday. The animal that owns the haircut of shaved on one side, with a comb over to the other side. We tried not to spook him to send him running in his deck shoes.

The Beta Band: Underrated and Unknown

Posted on by Hosehead

With the recent boom of many indie rock bands we must look back upon the bands that were ahead of their time. I am going to review multiple bands that I don’t think get their due in the music industry. This is part one of the underrated and the unknown. The first band is a band from Scotland that has had varied amounts of success. It’s one of those bands that the talent outweighs the sales. The band that I would like to feature today is the Beta Band.

The+Beta+Band

The Beta Band had a slight moment in the sun when the movie High Fidelity came out. There is a great scene when John Cusack leans over to one of the co-workers in his record shop and says “I will now sell five copies of The Three E.P.’s by The Beta Band.” You then see multiple people in the shop begin to slowly get into the groove of the classic hit “Dry the Rain.” This is the exact moment that I went out searching for this record. I was able to start my journey through the history of the band. At the point that I found out about this, they already had a stellar catalogue.

One thing about the Beta Band is that no two albums sound alike. The 3 EP’s is kind of a mish mash of sounds that has an unbelievable amount of songs that are single worthy. Steve Mason has a calming space voice that is able to cut through the sounds of the songs like butter. While listening to the 3 EP’s you can really hear the three different times that this album was compiled from. “Dog’s Got a Bone” has a soft sound to it, that could thrive in a Scottish pub after work. “Dr. Baker” gives a you a shot of insanity within the sound of a piano. The Beta Band have a certain weirdness to them that will put a smile on your face. Knowing exactly when to apply some pressure, and when to alleviate it. Almost to the point where they are weaving in and out of the best parts of your mind.

It’s extremely impressive on how different the two main albums are. Beautiful acoustics, and feel in the 3 EP’s, and then the calming space sounds of Hot Shots II. It’s almost as though they found multiple sounds that can mimic the sounds of an acoustic guitar. On this album especially, Steve Mason’s voice is able to be an instrument itself. Hot Shots II is produced with such grace. Background vocals that flow with Mason’s, and sounds that are able to match the feel that they would like to produce. It is almost as though that they want to transport you into this extremely particular area of your mind and this is the sound that will allow your brain to make it there.

The movement of this record is extremely important. They know the exact point of the album where they need to tune the guitars back in. “Human Being” is a perfect example of that. A guitar solo near the end of the song is executed perfectly. You can only layer space sounds so long without having people start to tune you out. They pull the chord directly after song, and put a parachute back onto the album to allow the album to land safely back onto the grassy bed of calmness.

It’s very hard to pinpoint the sound that the Beta Band is known for. They don’t sound like anything else that is out currently. The Caribou album “Andorra” is the closest to feel that I can get to Hot Shots II. Throw on “Squares” to really get a feel for this band, and see if they can be a fit for a sunny Sunday afternoon for you. I guarantee that you will be sold. Unfortunately trying to find any albums on vinyl is nearly impossible. I am just hoping that with the driving force that is indie rock; that we can find time for the space sounds of the Beta Band.

The Three EP’s – 9.2/10
Hot Shots II – 9.7/10

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his Service Ontario Story

Posted on by Hosehead

I have started a new job, it is a completely different life working from a desk and not having to deal with the general public. Also 9-5, Monday-Friday isn’t bad (hands behind head, feet up, basking in sun.)

If you would like to have a mixture of transportation back to the 90’s and shockwaves of remembrance of the movie American Pie – go to see Treble Charger play. It was like being in a mediocre time-machine.

If you have not gone to see the beer exhibit at the Museum on Homer Watson in Kitchener and are a fan of beer do it. Do it now. Halfway through the exhibit your mouth starts to water, and your car cannot drive fast enough to a local brewery. They give you a fantastic background of the history of beer in the tri-city area. I started drinking OV again and grew a ‘80s mustache within 26 seconds.

Sara and I have decided that we will not rub any contest wins in people’s faces on Facebook. I won $500.00 last week for tweeting about my favourite small business. Blogs were not included in this agreement.

We were gracious recipients of free Tragically Hip tickets from a couple of great people for their Monday show at the Aud. It was nearly a perfect Hip concert for me. Played everything from about ’97 and before. Gord Downey is a very strange man. There isn’t a drug that makes people dance quite like that.

I want to be involved in one of those strange car chases from the late ‘70s. You know the ones with the giant boats flying around corners, fish tailing, with no one ever really catching up to the other person. Well it looks like they are catching up, but the next scene they are still the same distance behind.

There are very few jobs that you couldn’t tell people about. And wouldn’t know if you were proud or not proud to be in. Porn star is one of them.

We are thinking about joining a gym. What’s important to me about a gym? That they have a TV at the treadmill that plays sports or science fiction with closed captioning. That is all. Oh, and no grunting please.

The Missing is a brilliant British TV show about a child that gets abducted from a very public area, and the father is trying to piece together the case years later. Everything is excellent in this show. Give it a watch. 8.8/10

With certain people’s opinions about shows you should be able to stop them before they even begin to speak. Or something shocks their brain when they begin to give their opinion if they have watched every one of the Transformers or Twilight movies.

In the ‘80s the true American Hero was a dude that carried a two-by four of wood that had either had brain damage or had an extremely low IQ. He used to wave his two-by-four yelling “ohhhhhh.” This was who we identified America with. Happy 4th of July to our neighbors from the south.

hacksaw-jim-duggan

Many people have told me that they didn’t celebrate Canada Day because of the bills that have been passed recently. I don’t celebrate Canada Day because of our Government. I celebrate it because of the people that live within the country. That, and I like to eat and drink.

The most dangerous time to talk to a person and asking for a response, is when they have mouthwash in their mouth. Drink it, bad. Spit it out, bad. Allow a small amount to go down your chin, bad.

There is not an area in the city of Kitchener on Saturday morning that have people standing in line that look angrier than the Service Ontario line. These people are on the edge of a freak out episode. This is the main reason driver’s license pictures always look like prison pictures.

Top 3 nerve racking moments behind the wheel of a car that aren’t actually that dangerous of a situation, but we slow down anyways.

1. Plastic bag flopping through the air towards you like a bat out of hell
2. People in the next lane driving the exact same speed as you
3. Person off the side of the road with their four ways on urinating

Don’t ever use the words “hungry” for a joke if the person is from the country Hungary. It will never work. And you will look like a foolish man or woman with beef noodle soup running down your face.