Month: October 2020

Lighting Toilet Paper on Fire in a Snuggie

Posted on by Hosehead

In the news this week… dude lights multiple toilet paper displays on fire at three different Walmart locations in the KW area – ruining millions of dollars worth of merchandise.  It is hard not to laugh about how ridiculous this is. “Here we go boys, here’s the plan… we’re going to hit up 3 Walmart’s simultaneously, storm the TP department and light it all on fire”  Gus, already suspect about Paul’s other plans of the McDonald’s cheeseburger contest and getting his Mustang up on two wheels for 1 km… “yeah… I’m out man”.

At the beginning of working from home, everyone had their webcams on – you were trying to keep connected and professional.  Now, every square foot of the household is being used to take calls, for it to feel different.  Laying under the table, eating a block of cheese, wearing your last clean shirt (Some 5k walk that you did to raise money for the foxes in Alberta) listening to the forecasts of Q4 wouldn’t be surprising. 

Top 3 Things Nobody Gives a Shit About If They aren’t Involved:

3 – Fantasy football – if you ever want to see someone’s eyes glaze over go through your roster and the reason that you are handcuffing certain running backs.  This really could be a cure for insomnia

2 – A dream you had – unless they are in it – they will likely say “that’s crazy man” a number of times to get you to shut up.

1 – Your children doing everyday things –

“Wow… Dennis went to school today and then was one of the last people out during dodgeball”

“Oh, Beverly, you should have heard him today, he was just so ecstatic – now wants to be a professional dodgeball player.”

“Dennis sounds like an idiot”

Listened to the debate between Trump and Biden last week… these are your two best, eh?

Really feel for the kids this Halloween – there wasn’t a better holiday in a small town.  You knew all of the best houses that would give out the good stuff.  Full-size chocolate bars, cans of pop, the good chocolate.  Sometimes you would get fooled though – Mr. Rhodes would all of sudden be on a health kick and you’d get some fu**ing raisins.  Getting home you’d sit on the ground and dump out the bounty of stuff on the ground.  Your parents would look at you with horror as you devoured 7 chocolate bars in a row, laughing uncontrollably, beginning to levitate from the ground.

To those people that work in retail and wear glasses – how do you manage to wear a mask all-day?  Just say fu** it and bump into things the entire day, or is there a super mask that doesn’t cause the fog issues?

Living in an old apartment building has its downfalls… I can’t control the heat in my apartment and the water pressure/temperature fluctuates constantly.  After living here for multiple years though – I can sense when the water is going to become burning hot and ice cold – it’s an anticipation that is similar to an all-star goalie in hockey. This is the only skill that I’ve picked up since Covid has hit.

It’s actually been pretty impressive how the majority of people that I see in stores are still kind to others.  There are a few one-off instances, but for the most part people, seem to be holding it together… let’s ask the health minister what the secret is…

Elon Musk is doing tests to see if humans are actually in fact in a Matrix.  It feels like the alien that was in control of the original Matrix fell asleep and his 10-year-old sadistic alien child has taken over the storyline.  “Ok, I’ve got everyone feeling the need to buy a fast car to rip around because they can’t release their energy any other way.  What’s next? Let’s have Nickelback release a new album and put it into everyone’s Spotify algorithm.” In the news tonight… Kitchener man witnessed sobbing sitting at the side of the road wearing only a snuggie.

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Sending Cameo Videos to the Wasp Hunter

Posted on by Hosehead

Even as a self-proclaimed well put together dude, the constant pounding of bad news and the world being in turmoil is starting to wear me down.  My company has decided that we should continue to work from home until 2021.  What does this mean going into winter?  You look outside that window and see snow piling up, search the internet and either see something Trump has done or Covid cases are rising.  You’re bombarded by stats and experts warning you of everything from global warming to being in quarantine for another full year… I can’t imagine being someone that is already battling depression or anxiety.

Now that you know the world is shit…

How do comedians perform for drive-in crowds?  Do cars honk their horns when they like a joke?  The only good thing about this is that there likely isn’t a shot that you’ll get heckled while in a car.  Unless you’re repping the nutsack on the back of the truck – that’ll likely get you a chirp or two.

The one thing that’s good about this pandemic is that I get out of awkward hugs after seeing people – giving a wave is the absolute best.  The hug sometimes has a kiss on the cheek as well, I have no idea how to position myself and sometimes headbutt the person – all of this gets taken away with the wave. 

During a coed slopitch game this past week, I went way past the acceptable amount of intensity.  Playing for the ‘b’ championship in a league at the Cambridge Ice Park should only be a 5/10 intensity level.  I ripped a 9/10 by throwing my glove against the fence after the final out of a 1 run victory.  Last year the winning team received a backpack that said Cambridge Ice Park Hockey Champions (or something similar) and we were playing baseball. 

Sport car purchases are on the rise.  This is obviously a result of the world being at a stand-still and needing excitement.  Pretty sad existence by having to buy a 40k car to rip up and down Margaret Ave at 2 am, once a week.  Soon we’re going to see vehicles that have fire coming out of the back.  Maybe someone strapped to the front playing the electric guitar… wait, I think this was a movie?

Top 3 Breweries in Tri-City Area

3 – Counterpoint Brewing – good dudes and great hazy IPA’s.  They’ve stepped it up recently and released a few great porters and stouts as well.

2 – Wavemaker – Don’t brew a tonne of different beers, but when they make an IPA it’s always fantastic.

1 – Jackass Brewing – Have mastered the art of the New England IPA.  Really good guys that have a great patio in the back and the coolest symbol of all the breweries in the area.

Hunting is weird – I don’t even like seeing a deceased animal on the side of the road.  I can’t imagine wanting to kill something like a deer… One thing that I wouldn’t mind hunting is wasps – fu** those guys.  I’d have a stick that would just electrocute them one by one.  My soundtrack would just be ‘Kickstart my Heart’ by Motley Crue the entire time.  My costume would be Bam Bam Bigelow’s wrestling outfit – head tattoo and all.

I’ve never owned an umbrella – can only think of 10 times in my life that it would have really come in handy. 

Seeing memes of people dropping knowledge and using a celebrity’s picture that doesn’t make any sense is one of my favourite things.  Picture of Brad Pitt pointing at you from Fight Club talking about problems with the Liberal Government. 

There is a website called Cameo.  It has a bunch of ‘c’ and ‘d’ celebrity actors that will film a small clip and send it to someone for a fee.  There are a bunch of awesome old school wrestlers that have examples up.  If we go into full quarantine, I’m going to send random people messages from actors or athletes that they’ve never heard of before.  Fred Anderson (Zombie from Resident Evil) “wishes you a happy Wednesday, hope you are enjoying the latest episode of Star Trek: Lower Decks, and that the pancakes that you made were up to par.”

As you all (should) know, Sara had Covid at the start of all of this.  Since she’s recovered, I’ve beaten her multiple times at games that she used to own me at (Catan, Connect Four, Jaipur).  Now, she has a great excuse why I keep winning – Covid brain.  This has been her one bright spot of the pandemic.