Figure Four Leg Locks During the Holidays

The company had their work holiday party on Friday at Bingeman’s.  Later that evening we ended up at the Chainer (Chainsaw).  If you are not familiar with this bar it’s a place where you get every flavour of the human being in one place singing karaoke. There could be at any given time a 60-year-old man singing Britney Spears, to a 23-year-old playing pool against a 74-year-old war veteran, to a 45-year-old woman in a tracksuit that looked like she may have just gotten out of bed.  It’s always a good and weird time.

I’ve finally resolved the cheque and car issue. Here’s the final and maybe most painful exchange.  I think to myself that there’s no way this can end badly – finally having the documentation and cheque in hand.  The letter I received told me to go to a local Bank of Nova Scotia (I do this).

“Sir, did you purchase this car in British Columbia?”

(Trying not to laugh) “No, I purchased this car in Kitchener, Ontario”

“We can’t process this here to pay the loan off due to it being a BC loan”

“Ok (trying to stay calm), what needs to happen next?”

“We can send the paperwork off with the cheque and that will take care of the loan.”

“Great, do that… “I’m assuming that I’ll receive money back in the mail for the remaining amount I’m owed since this my loan is less than the value here?”

“I’m not sure if that’s how it works in this case. Maybe you should call the number on paper here”

“You mean the number for the Bank of Nova Scotia (the bank I’m currently in) to talk to an employee in British Columbia when I purchased and live in Ontario?”

“Yes”

“Ok…”

 

The whole Don Cherry thing makes me laugh.  This dude is going to do a podcast and be able to speak his mind on whatever topic he sees fit.  Think of it like this… When you watch shows on cable TV they have to walk every single line possible to not offend anyone (whether or not you agree with this it doesn’t matter – it’s the way it is).  This is one of the many reasons why cable TV sucks.  When a show moves to HBO or Netflix they can (practically) do whatever they want.  If you agree or don’t agree with his points of view he will not be (as) filtered with whatever he decides to do next.  I also bet that he won’t be nearly as entertaining because of this.  Half of his shtick was that he was able to get away with saying things that nobody else would dare to say.  This made watching him entertaining in a cable TV environment.

If you want to feel like an idiot attempt an Adventure Room with the level set to difficult.  I’d still be in there from 3 months ago if it wasn’t a game.  Who the fu** knows to breathe on the mirrors?  Screw you Adventure Room.

Figure four leg locks hurt.  As a child, my brother put me into one at the age of 6.  This went on for at least 3 minutes longer than it should of.  I still don’t know what could have possibly got me into this situation.  Just reading a Dr Seuss book – turning to page 5 then being ripped off of the couch and thrown into a wrestling move was an average Wednesday afternoon in Listowel, Ontario.

When banks see weird activity on your account they will put a hold on your card.  This happened recently to me.  When calling in their second question was what I purchased last Thursday afternoon worth $23.56.  What kind of question is this?  I felt like asking if I should take a stab at it (sounds like a lunch type purchase).  I’d have a better shot at Flyers trivia.  Give me a question like what was the worst Flyers signing in the history of their franchise (Ilya Bryzgalov)?

Top 3 most memorable holiday retail moments:

3) After a busy day at work one of the managers comes out and tells me to check the guy’s washroom (with a huge grin on his face).  This is not a good way to start a conversation.  I walk in and everything seems normal – until I check the urinal.  Somebody decided to go number 2 in the urinal… Really felt bad for the cleaning people that evening.

2) (Told by the GM of the store) older gentleman walks up to our GM of the store and asks where these arrows are taking him?  GM is extremely confused by this question and asks what arrows? The dude was pointing to the fast forward symbols (Future Shop’s logo) asking him where they led.  He was just walking in circles in the store…

1) A girl walks into the store with 4 huge bags of clothes (this is already on the radar for theft – who doesn’t leave giant bags of clothes in their car when purchasing a computer).  She asks for a Mac – asking zero questions.  I decide to have some fun with this.  “Are you sure you don’t want this $3k one instead?” Agreeing to take the higher end one I begin to fake put the purchase through.  “Oh shoot, I have to call for authorization – I’m going to take your card to the back.”  As I sit there and pretend that I’m doing this we have a camera and we can see this girl beginning to freak out as she’s pacing in front of the counter.  I then ask her for ID trying not to grin (we called the police already).  “Why do you need my ID,” she asks angrily.  “Because you have a stolen credit card and are attempting to purchase a $3k MacBook without asking a single question you dipshit.” (I didn’t say any of that).  She took off right after that and I won an award basically for not being an idiot.

Pocketing Discounted Halloween Candy in a Pink Floyd Jean Jacket

My entire team dressed as me for Halloween.  I’ve got a few quirks that they nailed (two glasses of water, cold-pressed juice, scowl, beard, leather jacket, legs crossed, etc…).  I assumed that they were up to no good when I kept on receiving texts asking when I was going to get in.  My new car was supposed to be picked up a couple of hours earlier but I thought I would relax a bit and allow the team to sweat.  I almost decided to not go in at all to really throw them off – didn’t have the heart to do that, unfortunately. It was pretty cool to see a bunch of mini-Daryl’s.

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One thing about a beard is that it can get out of control quickly if you don’t keep an eye on it.  Got up one morning and was a little bit foggy.  While looking in the mirror I could have really passed for a man that has lived in the wilderness for years.  My salesman hands would give it away that this was not the truth.  I’ve had to get others in the office open up difficult bottles.

I’ve made it my mission to try to not talk about how winter is coming as a small talk topic.  This is nearly impossible as every person that is an acquaintance speaks about this first.  When I respond with “buttery popcorn makes my hands greasy”  as a response they usually look confused and leave.  Maybe this is ok…

Terminator: Dark Fate – 7.2/10

Zombieland 2 – 5.2/10

Caribou is playing an extremely tiny venue in the New Year.  They’ve become extremely big and this could be a rare thing to happen going forward.  While seeing them in Guelph years ago I had a chance to meet Dan Snaith (the mastermind behind the band).  He was sitting in this weird green room right by the washroom.  Thought it might be awkward to have him sign my vinyl after coming out of the can though.

Just completed the necessary week of sugar intake.  Discount Halloween candy is impossible to say no to.  “Why yes, I do need 90 mini chocolate bars for $5.00.”  After 7 of them, you begin to feel sick.  Then you do this daily until the box is gone.  Rinse and repeat the following year.

Had to YouTube how to start my new car. I’m sure the dude that sold it to me was trying to figure out what was going on.  It’s a push-button and the brakes need to be held down while pressing the button.   I also had to YouTube how to open the gas tank.  If it wasn’t for YouTube I’d still be sitting in a parking lot in London.

Top 3 very small town things that I did as a teenager.

3) Threw ice cubes off of the cows that would approach the fence for fun.  I really found it hilarious that they would just stare at me and not even be affected by the ice cubes.  Had hours of fun with this one.

2) Wore a Pink Floyd jean jacket (I’m not sure how small town this is but should be brought up) out to the mound during my pitching days.  This combined with a hefty mullet looked extremely intimidating – this allowed complete domination of Walkerton and Kincardine on a consistent basis.

1) Getting stuck while on a beverage tour (drive to a side road and drink “beverages”).  The snow started to come down heavily.  As we discussed the Chemistry test (this is how it’s remembered by me anyways) that was just taken – the group decided that we’d be fine.  This was not the case and required a farmer with a tractor to get us out of the ditch.  His head shake (you bunch of idiots) was classic.

Checking out Local Libraries in Las Vegas

Was in Vegas recently for a conference.  It’s really a shot to the senses there.  Characters everywhere, flashing lights, giant crowds, money being thrown around, alcohol flowing, and degenerates all about.  Perfect place to bring a child if you want them to see the worst part of humanity all at once.  I do really love it there.

Went to Steeltown (Pittsburgh) a week later for a baseball and golf trip with a few buddies.  You’d really like to think that we got up to no good.  Well, the one night we did hit three bars and had appetizers at all three of them.  Then ended up at a duelling piano bar.  We almost decided to go to the local library but thought we had enough for one evening.

The drive is extremely pleasant to Pittsburgh.  Once you get used to their obsession with fireworks and focus on the mountains instead you’re instantly put into a good mood.  Their ability to combine ridiculous things in one store is impressive.  Fireworks and Karate supplies was a good example of this.  “Honey, we need to grab nunchucks, a ninja star, and some fireworks.  Look online to see if there’s a local store that provides all of this in one location.”

Old Vegas has kind of a cool vibe.  Until you actually want to go to bed.  There’s live music cranked until around 3 am.  When you are sitting in your hotel room it feels like you are inside of Miley’s Cyrus’ head and are attempting to find a safe place to hide but she’s coming to get you with all of the drugs shortly.

Bill Callahan is my new favourite summer vibe.  He just speaks to an acoustic guitar with lyrics that flow effortlessly to the next verse without really making any sense.  Bill Callahan also seems like the name of a guy that a 63-year-old man would meet for breakfast every other Sunday at a restaurant called Buddy’s Place. They are known for the $3.99 special – with endless coffee.  Bill Callahan stays there for a minimum of 2 hours – then Gloria calls to remind him that she has to head out to get her hair down.

Heading to a cottage for the long weekend.  I just enjoy being around water.  Don’t even need to go in it.  Calming nature noises and a body of water is good for the soul.  Until the damn mosquitos come out.  There’s nothing more enraging than being eaten alive by those fu**ers.  What evolutionary purpose do they have?  Bugs that constantly search for blood.  When they get the blood they make an extremely annoying itchy bump.  They should change the name of Mosquitos to fu**ing a**holes.

While writing all of that I scratched myself 4 times and my blood pressure rose by a significant amount.  Wonder what Bill Callahan is up to right now – bet you it’s something cool?

Went to the horse races recently.  This was a team event for work.  It never really occurred to me that we’d be the youngest group there by about 30 years.  This was pointed out to me by a colleague asking me to count how many people had grey hair there.  After 10 I stopped and said that they had proved their point.  Then they wanted me to continue on.  This person no longer works with me (just kidding – I’m hilarious I know).

Pretty sure I’d be dead within 3 minutes if I fought in World War II.

Top 3 worst shirts that I’ve worn/owned at any point of my life.

3 – White Zombie 666 Bad Mutha Fu**a.  I was asked to take this shirt off in high school.  At the time I was somewhat rebellious (mostly not – this was an act).  I put up a bit of a stink and was sent to the Principal’s office (I pretended to have an attitude but I was actually very terrified).

2 – Big Johnson – Softball “slow or fast have a blast”.  Ladies couldn’t resist a gangly, geeky, 6’0” tall dude with this shirt on.  Surprised that I was single for so long.

1 – Beavis and Butthead Tommy Pull My Finger.  Don’t even need to crack a joke about this one.  I wore it on my 19th birthday to the strip club in Waterloo.  A waitress asked me what I wanted to drink and I instantly went to grab for my ID.  Really played it cool Daryl.

Eating Lucky Charms with Britney in Vegas

Rule of thumb is to never look at anything on the internet.  My Instagram feed is full of credit card offers, hotel deals in Las Vegas, and Chicago Bears merchandise.  I’m trying to look at memes of kittens saying human things.  Don’t have time for an ad about Britney Spears being an unbelievable show and life-time experience that you won’t want to miss.  Just a couple of side questions though.  Has anybody seen her before?  Is it really a lifetime experience?  How many outfit changes does she do?

While driving to work the other day I noticed a handmade cardboard sign that said “Need Website?” with a phone number right below. You’d think they could try just a wee-bit harder than that.  “Oh, June, I was thinking about making a website.  Let’s give this number a call and see if they can help.”  I don’t know why I used the name June – nobody has been named that in 37 years.

Try not to watch much TV in the summer.  I find that outdoor activities are required to keep the mind in a solid-state to go through the grind of winter.   By the time April rolls around, I’ve just decided to not wear a jacket out of spite.  I’ll still complain that I’m cold, but out of stubbornness, I will not wear that jacket another fu**ing day.

My company has massage chairs at work. Unfortunately, I’ve already claimed that in sales you are not allowed a stress relief at work at any point and have to stick to my guns.  You drink and smoke if you are stressed out.  That’s how Don Draper did it and that’s how I do it (I don’t actually smoke).  Those chairs do look like a delight though.

I received a Bluetooth speaker for my birthday last year.  My vinyl collection has come to a complete halt.  Flipping over the record after three songs is sooo much work.  Is anybody available to be paid in craft beer to flip the record for me?  You will also need to listen to me complain about the weather, work, and the dude that was cutting the grass at 7 am on Thursday.

My beard has come in (fairly) full.  This is the first time that I’ve actually received compliments on it.  This is what it feels like to become a man eh?  It only took 40 years but it was well worth the wait.  Still waiting on those compliments on my physique – I’m sure that will be any day now.

Turning 41 in a few days.  Ageing is interesting.  When you are young you feel like there must a switch that gets flipped and you become a wise older person.  My brain works exactly the same as it did when I was 21.  Every time I go through the cereal aisle I pick up a Lucky Charms box and say to myself “you’ve earned this cereal because you walked the golf course today.”  Then I look down the aisle and see that stupid box of Bran Flakes and make the right decision.  Then I talk shit to my own body for sucking.  “Yeah, stomach – because of you we can’t have delicious things.”

As mentioned I’m hitting Vegas in about a week.  This will be a work conference.  I have to lead the team properly and not get up to any shenanigans.  “Ok, Daryl, is that a good enough pep talk for you?”

Top 3 lies that you tell yourself when you go on vacation.

3 – I’m going to put the phone away for the entire week.  No social media, no work, and no web surfing.  Within 13 minutes of the newest book (of the 3 that you picked up) you are watching a dog run around a horse in circles while the horse gets fired up.

2 – That you will read any of those 3 books mentioned above.

1 – That you made the right decision going with the cheaper resort that had kids there and not the adult-only option.

A Journey Through an Unorthodox Marriage

I receive so many questions in regards to how Sara and I work with our marriage.  We both understand that it’s completely unorthodox and that we don’t judge anybody upon how they want to live their lives.  This is just the way that we decided to do things.

You have to understand that I knew Sara was an adventurous and independent woman when I met her.  It seems like the most common question is when will be the completion of her adventures.  Like it’s a tank of fuel and when it completes she becomes a different person.  This will always be who she is.  Wanting to see as much of the world before the body begins to break down.  If you watch the movie Free Solo you’ll understand that there are people like this in the world.  Their brains are wired in a way that they require a certain stimulus to be happy and feel fulfilled.  I’m not offended by this in the slightest – it’s like keeping a bird in a cage for your viewing enjoyment.

“Why don’t you hike with her?” is the next question that comes after this.  Hiking is not my passion.  I do enjoy travelling all over the world as I’ve been to 30-40 countries.  Doing a two-week hike in Ireland was one of my most memorable trips.  In short doses, I enjoy the adventure.  At the end of the day, I prefer the mix of travel, golf, pub visits, social outings, etc… versus the long term travel.

Money is usually next on the docket.  I’m not funding Sara’s travel.  She saved quite a bit of cake over a two year period after her blood clot scare.

“Don’t you miss her?”  Of course, I always find this a silly question.  At the end of the day, I do not require her to be here to enjoy my life.  I’m a self-sufficient dude that is lucky to have a massive group of amazing people that I’m able to call on if I need a social outing.  There is no question that I would like to see her more.  Putting timelines on her travel is something that I have no interest in doing.  Nothing worse than being in the wilderness and thinking that you are not able to enjoy an extra day in a town because your husband misses you and wants you home.  Sounds pretty selfish when you read it out loud.

When Sara and I got married and decided on no kids the mutual agreement was that we would not put each other in a box in regards to what a marriage should be.  We have separate bank accounts and split our bills equally.  We don’t own a house, have kids, and have very little debt.  This is the way that we decided would make us the happiest. It hasn’t been perfect – this isn’t really a normal blueprint for a successful marriage.  It’s tough at times.  There are periods of loneliness.  I’ve had to find ways to keep myself busy constantly.  My growth in regards to career has really helped with this.

How do you keep up with her drive?  As mentioned I’ve taken pride in my career.  The one big hole that I noticed instantly in tech is that there is a massive gap in leadership from their initial job to the next step in their careers.  I’ve taken pride in trying to help as many young professionals as I can to reach that next step.  Helping them see their skills, letting them know career paths that are available, and trying to be a dude that they can just shoot the shit with.  It’s also not completely one way.  They’ve helped me with the time away from Sara.  Seeing these people being successful in all different areas of the tech industry is really good for my soul.

I’m extremely happy with how things have turned out and feel like I’m a completely different person than I was 15 years ago when I first met Sara.  She had a huge hand in helping me become a well-rounded person. Hope this helps people get a clear perspective on how we make things work.

Top 5 Albums of 2018

5) Beach House – 7

Beach House has really grown into the sound over the years. Earlier albums seem to lack identity – filtering in and out of dream pop and psychedelia. This album is the perfect mix of both but added in a haunting feel to it. The key to the entire record is the added deep percussion. It’s really just about a band that has hit their groove at an exact time. This is also a masterfully edited album. It isn’t often where you’ll notice the sounds working perfectly together that are not always a standard instrument. The deep heavy keyboards create the haunting sound that perfectly sets the mood of “7”.  Top song of this record is “Black Car”.

 

4) Ryley Walker – Deafman Glance

This dude can pump out music. With a mix of acid jazz, rock, and a Cornell style voice. It’s a weird mix but works extremely well on this record. Walker seems to be some type of musical madman with the types of sounds he makes. Not afraid to test the boundaries of any type of instrument. There is flute, saxophone, tall bass, and recorder on top of the standard drums and guitar. It’s poetry in motion as his voice finds the niche of the sound. When asked to describe his sound I can’t do it. It doesn’t sound like anything I’ve heard. There are points where I feel like I’m in a car chase and then others where I’m having a hot chocolate around a campfire. This is the draw of Ryley Walker. The top song on the album is “Telluride Speed”. (couldn’t find a good live feed of this tune – this concert is solid though)

 

3) Kurt Vile – Bottle It In

My boy has done it again. This album took a solid 5 or 6 listens before I really got into it. It’s really a mashup between his previous two albums with a bit of Courtney Barnett mixed in there. At the end of the day, Vile is trying to get you to have the feel of a long hair dude wearing a leather jacket with headphones in, head bobbing in a downtown area. The entire record has a coolness to it. It never really steps on the gas at any point, but you feel accomplished once through it. Of course, Vile’s guitar skills are on center stage as always. His sound comes so naturally out of him that would be impossible for another artist to attempt it. The top song on the record is “Check Baby”.

 

2) Wild Pink – Yolk In The Fur

Opened up Pitchfork on a random day in June and read a review on this album. Seemed to be right up my alley in regards to sound. Slow burn rock with an unassuming lead singer that had a bit of a Built to Spill vibe. One of the best parts of this record is how it flows from one song into another. In the days of Spotify, this is a rarity. This is supposed to be listened to from start to finish. Wild Pink does a phenomenal job of taking you to one part of your senses and then turning on a dime to another part. Soft vocals with a mild guitar straight to a solo. This is a bit of a throwback album to the early 2000s. They have minimal use of keyboards and mixers. This is an album that tells a rock story. Soft Grandaddy to hard Built to Spill. It mixes everything in. “The Séance on St. Augustine St.” is the tune to check out.

1) Khruangbin – Con Todo El Mundo

I’m sure you’ve heard me speak about this band. One of the coolest fu**ing bands that I’ve seen/heard over the past decade. The guitarist is a wonderfully talented musician – one of the best currently. Underrated is the supporting instruments. The drums and bass all revolve around the lead guitar. Creating a nest to support any unique sound that comes out of his mind. From top to bottom this album will make you feel fantastic. It’s meant to be thrown on while sitting on the dock at the water of your cottage. It’s nearly impossible to not be in a good mood or be put at ease when Khruangbin has been thrown onto the stereo. This record has been on my heavy rotation for the entire year. Best album of the year with a bullet. Song to check out is “Maria Tambien”.

Watching Gritty get Inducted into the Level of Excellence

Sitting in Smile Tiger having a muffin and a tea while writing this.  This is not a common occurrence.  This is mainly because I don’t want Sara to come home to a bachelor pad.  I’ve hired a cleaning lady to take care of things.  Some would call that laziness; others would call that smartly outsourcing.

Gritty (the new Flyers mascot) is absolutely my favourite thing right now.  There was an ad that had Jimmy Fallon and Ricky Gervais dancing in a room and Gritty wanders by and decides to get involved in the dance party.  Ricky and Gritty start shoving each other which ends up turning into a fight with Fallon trying to break it up.  Amazing!

Read an article about John Gibbons getting a spot in the level of excellence.  One division title, two playoff appearances, and .501 winning percentage over 11 or 12 years.  Only in Toronto would this be considered “excellence”.  Remember joke blog.  Please for the love of all things that are actually excellent don’t go down the rabbit hole of “I love Gibby” comments.  Stop typing, don’t do it, don’t hit enter… Damn it!

I’ve booked a trip to Arizona with a buddy of mine.  It’s always enjoyable to spend 4-5 days pretending like you are a retired old white man.  The streets are wide (not sure how anybody could possibly get into an accident), everybody is moving at a slow to even slower pace, conversations are only about sports or the weather.  I find this enjoyable for a very small amount of time.

I tried out for a football team when I was in Grade 9.  The thought was that I was very accurate throwing a baseball – football should translate well.  My first practice I took a fairly decent hit.  That was the end of the football dream.

There are at least 6-7 dogs that I know personally that I’m fairly certain I could beat in a 100 metre race.  I’m not talking tiny dogs – full size dogs.  Dogs don’t have the same motivation for success as humans.  I even know a few dogs that would fake an injury.  “oh, my poor paw, I stepped on a rock.” Quoting dogs is weird.

Went to the Rock Spa recently.  They have this steam shower thing that’s somewhat cool.  You sit on this stool and steam begins to rise from the floor.  It does feel kind of like you’re in a gas chamber, but once you get over that sensation it’s kind of neat.  They have a radio in there as well.  I assumed that the music would be pre-set to something soothing.  Nope, Bruno Mars was being ripped while steam filled my insides.  I did quickly think to myself “Well, this is how I go out”.

When I pass away I would like the line of funeral cars to go onto the 401 all the way to Toronto during rush hour.  This would entertain me from a distance.

You would think being a 40-year-old man that I could take care of myself properly.  Went camping recently with the family and I forgot my belt, toothbrush, and almost my pillow (twice).  Standing up to go to the bathroom I had to hold my pants up.  Brushed my teeth with my finger.  There is no way another human could be trusted in my care.

How many people in Canada and the US have been named Art or Chet in the past 10 years?  I’m going to go with under 90 people in total.  Chet always seemed to be the name of a dude that had one too many Bud Light’s and was going to pick a fight with a nerd (his words not mine). “Hey, why don’t you grab a book and read it.”  That was always Chet’s top insult.  Really got Art and Morris going.

 

Looking back on the summer I feel that it was one of the best weather wise in the past decade.  I give Mother Nature 9.2/10 for this past summer.  You are up in Radiohead album rating territory Mother Nature.  You should be very proud of yourself.

Eating Cotton Candy with a Couple of Hosers

Was at a bachelor party on Friday in Collingwood.  Went golfing with a buddy during the day celebrating his good news (I’m similar to dog – always looking to celebrate even if it’s not for me).  Unfortunately, I don’t quite have the stamina at 40 to rock an entire day and night of events.  Funneled a Bud Lite, drank a few IPA’s, and was in bed by like 10 pm.

It was actually much easier to funnel a beer than I remembered.  I haven’t done it in at least a decade.  The most entertaining part though is how your system reacts after the funnel.  Generally, it’s the largest and grossest belch.  Like your internal system is just saying “Daryl you are an a**hole for doing that to me.”

If you haven’t been to Cowbell Brewery you should go.  It’s in Blyth (practically the only thing there – unless you are going to see Mamma Mia).  The place is extraordinary.  Piles of beers on tap, beautiful interior, nice patio, and $2.00 hotdogs.  There was a brief second when I thought about ordering 3 hot dogs for lunch.  It’s only $6.00 I thought to myself.  Then common sense kicked in.  You will be sick for the afternoon and the staff there will think of you as the cheapest man alive.

Mamma Mia is the single worst theatre experience of my life.  Abba isn’t bad in a small dose (like a single song).  When you start to string together their music you begin to lose it mentally.  Everybody else is clapping and singing along; I have my head between my legs trying to figure out a way to roofie myself without the presence of the actual drug.

Went to my bro-in-laws new place in London yesterday.  While enjoying the outdoors we noticed that there was an owl in the tree.  It’s very confusing seeing any type of real wildlife in the suburbs of a major city.  It’s also humorous to me envisioning a small human being carried away in an owl’s claws.  Legs and arms flailing, and the faint “what the fu** is happening?” as they get carried further and further away.

Sara has nearly completed the PCT (around 200 miles away I believe).  Looking at pictures of her it looks like her hair has become a bright red with the sunlight exposure.  She looks extremely healthy and I couldn’t be a more proud husband of her accomplishment(s).  If you don’t know much about the PCT watch the movie/read the book Wild.  It’s a long distance hike from Mexico to Canada in the Western states.

I’ve never seen anybody purchase cotton candy at a ball game before.  I see these Hosers walk up and down the aisle with this giant fuzzy candy and never seen an adult put up their hand.  Fiberglass candy can’t be good for your insides.  Plus you look like a moron when you bite into it.  If you get it for your child they would have a stomach ache after two bites.  Now you feel like you have to take it home due to the $11.00 cost – so you are stuck holding this stupid troll doll looking hair candy for 6 innings.

Did you know where the word Hoser originated from?  Most people would guess it was the days of Bob and Doug Mackenzie (as I did as well).  This is not true – a Hoser is somebody that used to spray the ice with water in between periods of hockey games.  It was a crappy job with very little pay.   This was stated to a co-worker by an American prospect that we were calling into.  This useless Canadian fact was brought to you by maple syrup.  “Tap that tree and watch the gold flow.”

When it’s a sunny Sunday as it is today and it’s week 2 of the NFL season you really go through emotional anxiety.  It’s 29 degrees, but there is football on.  There are only a few nice weekends remaining, but the Packers play the Vikings at 1.  You could be golfing – you enjoy golf, shut up brain, I need you for fantasy football today and not for guilt.

Eating Christmas Cake While Attending Rib Fest

You always think that going to a classic car show is going to be an exciting adventure.  There will be all of these old-school automobiles.  Maybe I could look at the engine of one?  My interest will begin to peak.  This will result in looking into some automobiles on the internet – learning the amount of horsepower that the GM Rocket ’74 with bucket seats that have one single seatbelt that goes throughout the whole vehicle.  None of this happens.  I usually just end up with BBQ sauce spilled on my shirt from some mediocre pulled pork sandwich and a sunburn.  I’m happy that my brain didn’t open up to the idea of fantasizing about machines.

Since I was a minimum of 18 years old I’ve had internal conversations with myself of how much I would pay if I could snap my fingers and be on the couch in certain situations.  Fairly certain that I’ve gone as high as 5 grand. This happened one day driving back from Ottawa the morning after a Flyers 6-1 playoff loss in a car full of goons that all had minimum 22 draft beers each.

I’m really not sure where your brain goes during trips of a certain length.  It’s fairly similar to when Homer’s brain leaves him after he makes a terrible decision and his body just goes on autopilot.  Sitting on a plane for more than 12 hours I begin to go insane.  “No, I don’t want to watch Dr. Strange again.  I’m going to try to sleep with my upper body completely vertical.  Oh, my neck is snapped ahead and I’ve drooled on the floor – ok, good!  Maybe I will listen to a podcast about the reason that dirt is the colour brown.  How much longer until we get there?  9 hours! Where are the sleeping drugs?”

My old man used to play slopitch for a team in Listowel.  After the majority of the games, we would go back to his team-mates place that had a pool and go for a swim.  This house also had a hot tub which was great.  The Smith boys gained a reputation for eating the majority of the chips.  I’ve only witnessed my old man getting frustrated one time.  Somebody splashed water from the hot tub and it went into a bowl of the ketchup chips.  The Smith family piled into the car and went home within the next 17 minutes.

Everyone knew a kid that their eyes would look like a zombie from too much chlorine.  Dean, you need to shut your eyes when you go underwater.  Also, why are you going under water in a hot tub – this is a terrible decision.  They would bash their knee off of the stairs due to being fired up in the hot tub.  This would cause tears and then Daryl would also have to exit the hot tub.

There is an antibiotic that helps with chest congestion that also can cause Achilles tendon ruptures if you run too quickly.  Rarely am I ever in a situation that I am in full out sprint mode, but if I ruptured my Achilles Tendon playing “F” league slo-pitch I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

Rib Fest is currently happening in Kitchener.  This is the prototypical event where you go in red hot.  Grab a full plate of ribs, 4 tiny beers (fu**ing hate their stupid cups), giant turkey leg, and 37 napkins.   You grab a table with 7 strangers and begin to go to work.  After 9 minutes you begin to hear a weird gurgle in your stomach.  Shrugging it off as maybe you are still hungry you move on.  Then the sweats begin to occur.  It doesn’t seem to be that hot.  My sweat also has a somewhat weird odor.  You spent $40.00 on this food and drink – you need to continue on.  Three-quarters of the way through the meal you notice that one of the buttons on your shirt has come undone.  It’s time to stop.  As you get up from the picnic table you slowly wander toward the exit with both hands on your stomach hoping that this will magically heal your angry body.  This is when you think to yourself – what a great Rib Fest, I can’t wait until next year.

Top 3 weird things served with Christmas dinner or around Christmas time.

3) Jello – it runs all over the place when put with hot food. Red mashed potatoes do not look that appetizing.

2) All of those giant nuts – You have to get the nutcracker out only once a year.  Make a giant mess and it’s extremely loud.  Grandpa shoots you that stare as he’s trying to watch the news.  “Kid stop eating walnuts.  I’m trying to watch the highlights of the parade down main street.”

1) Christmas Cake – it’s the absolute worst.  Let’s make the shi*iest cake (let’s add weird dried fruit to it as well to make it even worse) and serve during the best holiday.

Moaning and Groaning with Don Flamenco

Why do people put their heads in tight areas?  I’ve never understood anybody getting their head stuck in between two posts in the stairwell.  It’s pretty easy.  If you don’t need to put your head in an area that it may not make it out – don’t do it.

My favourite old interview comment is from the Beatles back in the day.

Reporter: Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?

John Lennon:  Ringo isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles.

Currently I’m playing coed slo-pitch with coworkers.  Nobody takes things all that seriously.  Except for the 62-year-old man that we played against this past week.  He questioned the rules of the height of the pitch.  Then the ump went back at him saying that it’s always been that way.  The 62-year-old man was not satisfied with this answer.  He then began to throw the ball extremely low to prove some weird point.  We play in an “F” league coed slo-pitch league and the score was 11-3.   I would get more fired up if I had $5.00 on two raccoons racing against each other in the parking lot.

I turn 40 next month.  I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel different.  The only things that have really changed are that I actually care less about things, and it really affects me when I don’t eat healthily.  Oh, and when I first get out of bed it takes a minimum of 3 minutes to walk normally.  Generally, it’s a hard Frankenstein walk with a bunch of bones cracking, and a couple of fu**s thrown in there as well for good measure.

There is always one person in a group of friends that just says the wrong thing at the wrong time constantly.  Asking a woman if she’s pregnant when the answer could be 50/50 is maybe the most dangerous conversation that you could ever have.  I would rather go to a Luke Bryan concert at an outdoor stadium in Detroit in – 23-degree weather than load that question up.

Once again Descendants Brewery is doing something cool.  They are having an Arrested Development trivia night.  Stop doing cool things.  I dislike your beer.  Now, I still have to go to your stupid brewery because I can’t pass that up.  Oh, you also have delicious pretzels – fu** you.

Does anybody sit down with a bag of pretzels anymore?  They aren’t a bad snack, but really lack the flavor of others out there.  I just can’t envision myself walking up to the cashier with a bag of pretzels in the shopping basket.  Walking by the all dressed chips or Doritos section would be difficult.  I can eat these plain brown weirdly shaped things that make my mouth extremely dry… or I can rip into a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and not feel my tongue and make a mess of everything.  Doritos all day.

Nothing will make somebody more upset than you getting the controller greasy from chips while playing video games.  Chips were blamed for losing to Piston Honda in Tyson’s Punch-Out so many times back in the day.

I’m fairly certain anybody that created those characters back in the day was extremely stoned.  There is a dude that’s from Paris that has a special dance across the ring with a rose in his mouth before he fights Little Mac.  He was so fancy that I wanted to beat the crap out of him as soon as I had my chance.  No idea why he upset me so much.  Felt like he was taunting me with that rose.  Like I was easy prey.  The anger is all coming back now.

Flowers are extremely stupid.  Sorry for those that enjoy receiving them (Sara does not for those that were thinking in their head “oh, well his wife might not think that”).  Flowers don’t do anything.  They don’t entertain.  They smell ok I guess.  They sit there and then they die.  If I could eat the flower for some crazy nutrition I may be happier with them.  Put gummy worms out and look at them. They are pretty and are delicious after.

Top 3 ways to have people do things for you in a family setting

3) Mention the long hours that you’ve been working.  “I’ve been shoveling all day, every day for the past 2 days – my back is just about going to give out.”  When they ask what you’ve been digging – just moan at a bit louder tone than usual.

2) Mention that you haven’t had time for just yourself in an awfully long time.  “I’m always thinking about everyone else.  You know it’s tough.” Generally, people will not question you on this one, but if they do… Just say in a bit louder tone “It’s tough”.  Doesn’t mean anything, but may get you off of the hook.

1) Make sure you have a mighty moan and a groan when you first sit down on the couch.  Everyone needs to hear this. You will receive at minimum one, possibly two drinks brought to you.