Anticipating 2017

I am not much for New Year Resolutions.  But, here’s a few things that I am going to attempt to curve or change for the upcoming year.

Limit my social media.  You would think that with the amount of things that are posted that you would actually learn something new or at least be able to have a chuckle at some thing.  This is not the case.  One thing is clear.  We find one topic and tear it apart until every single blade of the topic has been picked, and all that’s remaining is a wasteland of memes and wasted time.

Read more books.  There is so much good literature out there that nobody has ever heard of.  There isn’t a much more satisfying moment of setting that completed book down.  Hopefully this will equate to less of the above point.  This will require me to pay off my library fine unfortunately.  I feel that the library should send you a hand written letter when your book is super-overdue.  Also, if you are trying to right a wrong in retail; write a letter with pencil.  You will never see a company jump as quick as when head-office receives something written in pencil.

Look for more music.  There is quality music out there even if you don’t want to believe it.  Using Spotify and Apple Music has allowed me to find bands and solo artists that I never knew existed.  I am currently listening to Solange on Spotify, and it’s absolutely fantastic.  I know it’s extremely easy to get into that routine of only listening to what you know.  There are 75 radio stations that agree with you.  30 day challenge.  Find a solid album every 30 days, and post a review online about it.

See more live things.  Plays, music, stand up.  Need to support these artists.  There is so much talent out there, and they continue to struggle while fu**ing Chewbacca Mom becomes insta-famous.

Then there’s the obvious.  Eat healthier, hit the gym, less take out food.  This should always be a New Year goal for each and every person.

Stop eating those memberberries.  Reminiscing and focusing on when times were a certain way.  Brexit and Trump are both causes of memberberries.  People need to adjust to what the world creates.

Spend more face to face time with people.  Internet friends are cool, but nothing can replace the in person pint discussing what the Jays should do next with their ball club.

Try to only post original thoughts on Twitter and Facebook.  Need to keep this brain moving and shaking.  Can’t fall into the trap of complaining and trying to change every single thing that’s wrong with this world.

Farmers Market vegetables yo.  This is such an easy change.  There is a market that’s a 15 min walk from my place every Saturday morning.

Have a Happy New Year.

 

 

 

 

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Challenging all People in Deck Shoes to a Duel.

I don’t DJ all that much now, but when I do I have to ask for help of what’s popular to dance to.  So…. Lady Gaga isn’t popular anymore?  What about Pearl Jam?  You don’t know who Pearl Jam is?  Well, let me show you Alive.  What do you mean this is terrible?

There isn’t a bone in my body that enjoys UFC.  It actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  They should have cute dogs barking at them while the neanderthals scrap.

It’s a well known fact that I am not good with children.  There is nothing to talk about with them.  But I did find out that telling them that they are a moron for thinking that The Secret Life of Pets is the best movie of the year is frowned upon.

Secret Life of Pets – 7.5/10

Rapping is extremely difficult.  Many times people have attempted it at karaoke, but most fail miserably.  Becoming out of breath by just talking seems like a waste of energy.

Tacos have become the new bacon.  I have grown tired of those memes.  Show me something original.  Medium sized white man wearing a pastel green shirt, asking for a box of gobstoppers for dinner.  It doesn’t make sense, but at least it’s original.

White Reebok shoes and a good pair of deck shoes would take you through a good 10 years of your life as a middle-aged man in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Foxy Hamilton is a good name for an Exotic Dancer or a Private Detective from Harlem in the late 70’s.

Purchased NHL 17 today.  There were two options.  The standard game for $49.99 or the game with the figurine of Vladimir Tarasenko for $49.99.  I stated that I would take the game with the action figure for $49.99.  I also stated that the action figure was for my nephew.  Then, I stated that I don’t know why I said that.  This was the end of this transaction.  A simple purchase that became horribly awkward by D Smith.

One thing that is probably a common saying in most people’s households today.  “Let’s have a burger tonight.  I am so fu**ing sick of turkey that I never want to eat it again.  Fu** you turkey.”  That might be a bit aggressive at the end, but at least the first part could be accurate.

Was never a huge fan of Toucan Sam.  Always thought his noise would find other cereals as well as Fruit Loops.  There many cereals that smell like sniffing a bag of sweet tarts.

There is an always an awkward time when people look around the room for the guy that was laughing when somebody got their head chopped of in a horror movie.  Sorry!  I don’t know why I find this humorous.

Top 3 Christmas moments if you received a horse as a gift.

  1. Pulling the horse along the icy sidewalk yesterday morning.  Oh, that would have been a treat.  “Come on Bucky, maybe you should have better shoes on?”
  2. Feeding the horse only Kraft Dinner to see what happens.
  3. Stating to people that you would like to challenge them to a duel while riding your horse triumphantly around Victoria St at 7am on Boxing Day morning.

 

 

 

Top 5 Albums of 2016

Top 5 Albums of 2016

 

  1. Preoccupations – Preoccupations

Preoccupations is a throw-back album to the industrial era of music.  They settle right in between the Jesus and Mary Chain and My Bloody Valentine.  Growling vocals, moody baselines, and matching drums and guitar strokes makes this album memorable and unique.  2016 wasn’t a great year for music in my personal opinion.  But when this album kind of fell into my lap while looking into old Echo and the Bunnymen records.  Preoccupations don’t make any apologies for the type of music that they have released.  They aren’t looking for that one single that will make them relevant.  The best song on the album is a 12 minute marathon of multiple layered dimensions of every style of industrial that has been acknowledged.  There is something about this album that I can’t put my finger on that I love which is why I love it.  Nick Cave meets Echo and the Bunnymen at a Wolf Parade concert.  Memory is the best song on the album.  This record isn’t a juggernaut, but it’s solid all the way through.

  1. David Bowie – Blackstar

It’s obvious that the death of David Bowie will be felt all over the music scene.  But the amazing thing about Bowie is that he didn’t fade away.  He created a masterpiece of music while fighting off cancer.  This album is completely different from multiple Bowie eras.  It doesn’t have a lot of that 80’s feel.  It doesn’t have the early rock feel.  It also doesn’t have that space feel from the early 90’s.  Blackstar is its own entity – sounding nothing like what he has released previously.   Bowie used horns, saxophones, piano, computers, and of course the usual instruments.  Every sound of this record is a well thought out feeling.  There are two stand out singles on this record – Blackstar and Lazarus.  Of all of the fantastic people that passed away in 2016 David Bowie is the one that affected me the most.  If you just go through his catalogue of music you will find something new nearly every time.  Fantastic artist and a beautiful final album.

 

  1. Car Seat Headrest – Teens of Denial

I had zero expectations for this album.  I already had it pegged as a super aggressive no talent millennial that was looking for a hook to get that one single noticed and become famous from there.  I was flat out wrong.  This mid-20’s Asian man named Will Toledo can play the fu**ing guitar.  If you miss Dinosaur Jr. and Stephen Malkmus have a listen to this album.  It’s raw, it’s emotional, and the best thing about it is it doesn’t sell out.  This album vomits all over your Drake sweater and doesn’t apologize for it.  Vincent and Destroyed by Hippie Powers are the two stand out tracks on this album.  Top to bottom though it’s a thrashing good time.  This might be the live show that I look most forward to when he decides to come back to Toronto.  Refreshing as a glass of Hi-C when you were 13 years old.  Music is in good hands if Car Seat Headrest becomes popular.

 

  1. Radiohead – A Moon Shaped Pool

Radiohead is the best band on the planet currently.  They continue to show this each and every time that they release an album.  A Moon Shaped Pool is no different.  There is just something about this band.  They know exactly the feel of the album that is required to stay relevant and fantastic.  Try to describe this band to anybody that listens to another not quite as respected genre of music – oh let’s just say country for the heck of it.  They will not understand what the big deal is with Radiohead.  You will be left shaking your head to yourself at the end of the conversation.  The vibe, the feel, the sounds, the instruments – everything is mathematically calculated similar to a casino sound for your brain to enjoy and to accept that this band is a unique group that may never be duplicated. Burn the Witch is the best song on the album, but there are quite a few 5 star singles.  Does this record get to the areas of greatness such as the Bends and In Rainbows – I don’t think so, but it was still the best record of the year up until the last month when…

 

  1. A Tribe Called Quest – We Got It From Here

It must have been a few months ago when I heard that this album was going to be released.  I decided to go back and listen to their catalogue.  Why can’t rap sound like this again?  There are actual instruments in this record.  There is fluid vocal stream from each member of the band. Samples that are relevant to the feel of the song.  There is absolutely no question that this is the best rap album for 2016.  But, then there’s the fact of being the best album of the year.  This masterpiece has everything.  Top to bottom listening capability.  Head bobbing and extremely intelligent lyrics.  Fluid motion that is required for a top notch rap album.  I miss this sound being played on my iPod.  There are multiple fantastic singles on We Got It From Here.  I am not sure that I can even attempt to pick one out.  Number 1 without even a question.  If you can beat a Radiohead album out on Hosehead’s Top 5 albums you have done something right.  You should be proud of yourselves gentlemen.

ALCS Preview

ALCS Preview

If you are wondering exactly who the Cleveland Indians are I will explain.  They are a well-managed scrappy bunch of hitters that have a fantastic bullpen, and suspect starting pitching.  Sounds oddly familiar to the team that the Jays lost to last year.  What seems to be different about this Jays team is that they are able to answer when the opposition puts up some runs.  Even though I was secretly rooting to play the Indians instead of the Red Sox; this will be no cake-walk to the World Series.

Let’s start with where the Jays have the biggest advantage – starting pitching.  The Jays have 4 starters that they could throw out there for game 1 without any question.  Estrada, Happ, Sanchez, and Stroman.  If I were in Gibby’s shoes I would throw out the exact same rotation to the Indians that they threw at the Rangers.  The Indians have Cory Kluber.  He’s a former Cy Young winner that has had a very good season, but the Jays have some decent numbers against him.  They have two very good pitchers that are both injured currently in Salazar and Carrasco.  The Jays are definitely dodging a bullet with this.  Josh Tomlin and Trevor Bauer are the other two starters that the Jays will most certainly see.  This is a heavy edge for the Jays and they will need to jump out to leads early in games to capitalize on this.  Salazar has a chance to be back for this series, but this is still a big question mark for the Indians.

Bullpen – The difference in the bullpen will be Andrew Miller.  He’s an absolute nightmare for lefties and righties.  The lumbering lefty came to the Indians in a deadline deal with the Yanks, and has been lights out since his arrival.  Cody Allen is a solid closer and Bryan Shaw is a very good 7th inning arm.  The Jays will need to play ahead to stay away from the back end of the Indians bullpen.  Roberto Osuna is the key for the Jays.  He has been dynamite.  Gibby has relied quite heavily on his 21 year old closer, and will probably continue to do so at least until Benoit is back from injury.  The one area that the Jays are really hurting is situational lefty spots.  Cecil has been inconsistent, Liriano is a starter by nature and might still not be ready to go, and Loup – well is Loup.  This is the one area that the Indians can expose the Jays.

Lineup – This will be more evenly matched then people assume.  The Indians are excellent at getting on base.  They walk a pile, and don’t strike out nearly as much as the Jays do.  Where the Jays can excel is once again by hitting with power.  Other than Napoli the Indians don’t have a true power hitter.  They will walk, single, and double you to death.  This lineup is good from top to bottom.  Not an easy out in there. On the other side we have seen murderer’s row heat up (minus Bautista’s game 3).  If we continue to see Donaldson, Encarnacion, Bautista, and Tulo hitting the way that they currently are the Indians will have a tough time dealing with this Jays lineup.  This is the Jays that I was expecting from opening day.  A quick strike offence that could erase 2 and 3 run leads with one swing of a bat.  The Indians current set of starters other than Kluber are not strike out heavy pitchers.  They are finesse pitchers that will try to pick corners constantly, and make you get yourselves out.

In the end I don’t think the Indians have the depth at starting pitching to make it out of this series.  With a healthy Salazar and Corrasco I think they would have the edge against the Jays.  The Jays will continue to hit the ball well, and the Indians will have a tough time keeping up against the best staff in the AL.

Jays in 6

Thoughts of a Childless, Middle-aged Man

I don’t have children.  I don’t want children.  I have no problem with children, and you may have as many as you like.

As a married 38 year old man I have had to answer this question constantly.  “Why don’t you have any children?”  I am sure this question has come up for Sara more often; when you have been married for a number of year’s people assume that there must be something wrong with either yourself or your spouse.  Some people are built to be mothers and fathers.  Enjoy every aspect of it.  And others *insert a picture of Sara and I giving the thumbs up* are not.

I am sure that this was a more difficult conversation decades ago.  Sara and I haven’t had that tough of a time with it.  Most people can see the type of personality that we have as a couple, and know that having a child would probably rip at every fabric that makes us tick.  The pressures seem to come mainly from a couple of different areas from me internally.  Needing somebody that I can live vicariously through, and needing somebody to carry on my name or legacy.

These are two things that can go in the nice to have category, but cannot be used to pull the trigger so to speak.  Sure, it would be great if I had a little boy that was instantly 12 years old and absolutely loved baseball, golf, and hockey.  Was a straight “A” student, extremely popular without being a douche, and went on to be successful in every single aspect of his entire life.  Just came straight out of the womb like that.  Sign me up for that exchange program.  Trading in Donald Trump for that scenario would be ideal.

There are other reasons why bearing children does not interest me.  I have no interest in raising anybody into this world that we have created.  It’s an utter mess.  Violence of course, but more importantly ignorance in both religion and global warming.  If you had a car with a tire that had a 3 inch hole in it and there were no other tires available.  Would you drive the car, and think to yourself “that hole won’t get any bigger.”  Or would you attempt to summon somebody from the sky that possibly doesn’t exist to give you a new tire.”  Or, the third option.  Give up a small amount of your empire to try to seal the hole in the tire?

As I grow older it’s strange.  You expect to have that moment when everything just clicks.  Knowing exactly what needs to be done to allow a 60 year old Daryl everything that he could possibly desire.  This moment hasn’t struck yet.  The set plan that I see on every Freedom 55 commercial is the following.  “Yeah, saving 25% of my $100,000/year job is easy.  Retirement is right around the corner.”  Unfortunately, many people are working multiple jobs to make ends meet for their $500,000 mortgage on that 2 bedroom bungalow that was half of that price 5 years ago.

There is another issue.  The rat-race is real when you get that first grown-man job.    Maybe it’s immaturity or maybe it’s boredom of the everyday.  I just don’t have a set schedule.  To come home every day and follow up on the latest seasons of the 9 different shows that I am currently watching sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.  And now that I have a 9-5 Monday-Friday grown up job I feel myself falling into this pattern.  It’s terrifying.  Is this the beginning of my middle-aged boredom?

What’s next?  Coming up on 40, don’t have kids to keep myself occupied.  Many of you that do have kids would just love a few hours of free-time.  Hearing a DINK (dual income no kids) describe his issues of having too much free time must really grind your gears.  Can you let me get back to my middle-aged whining now?  Geez, so selfish.   It’s the complete opposite side of the spectrum.  Sara and I are fairly active, but my tendency to not be able to relax can drive her crazy at times.  There are instances where I swear that she wishes that I had too much to drink the night before so my need for activities would slow down.

Even though I don’t have any answers whatsoever I still try new things out to fill the hole.   Is this the canyon that people constantly try to fill with children?  Maybe it is.  Some people fill it with alcohol or drugs.  Others fill it with sports and volunteering.  I don’t have a passion.  There are many things that I enjoy doing, and I feel that I am a well-rounded person – is there a pie chart of things that will keep me occupied and content?

Most of this is a ramble.  Confusion of a middle-aged, middle-classed, childless male that would like somebody to access his brain to create a calendar of events for the next 25 years of his life.  If I only had an extremely wonderful event planner that worked in that area of my brain.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.  This is one holiday that I absolutely adore.

John Gibbons: The Encino Man

I am not really sure when I got off of the South Park train, but I am sure glad that I am back on.  Weekly story lines that portray to the exact things that are going on in the world at that exact time. Using characters from the show to portray the stupidity of the human race.  It doesn’t get any more genius than that.

Are the Hydro one people still calling people to give them job interviews without knowing anything about the person – then not telling the person what they are applying for or if they applied at all?

“We would like to bring you in for an interview.”

“Who is this?”

“Doesn’t matter.  We would like to hire you.”

Businesses that use sign twirlers must have zero respect for the dignity of a human being.  We would like you to stand at this corner with a sign and twirl.”  You are one step above a hydro pole and one step below the flailing arms man.

There is an exception to the rule though.  I did see a dance off once between the Little Caesars man and a dude in a pita suit.  That made my day.  I sat across the road on a patio with wings sauce all over my face laughing hysterically for 37 minutes.  Polishing off pitcher after pitcher of Bud Lite and elbowing guys next to me to ask if they are seeing this.  It was a great day.

While at Playdium last week I pondered why I didn’t enjoy myself quite as much as in the past while shooting baskets into a net that was 3 feet away.  It wasn’t the fact that my arm could almost touch the rim, and it seemed to a bit too easy.  It was the fact that they don’t give out paper tickets anymore, and put the tickets on the card instead.  There was nothing better than seeing that machine spit out 50 tickets.  You would stomp up to that desk, and demand the pencil with Snoopy on it like a mutha-fu**in’ boss.  Then go back and waste another $20.00 trying to get the Charlie Brown pencil sharpener; because by golly you haven’t owned a pencil sharpener in 16 years.

To work at a record shop you need to have an attitude.  That’s one of the requirements.  If somebody comes in asking for a particular record that you don’t carry; they must feel shame for even liking that band.

I wouldn’t even hire John Gibbons to run my slo-pitch team.  I would rather have a blind dog that barks only because he can’t see what’s going on making the decisions.  I would hold up signs and ask the dog to bark at which lineup card that he would prefer to go with.  Sorry Johnny boy, unless you make it past the first round this year you will no longer be there to eat your hay and have naps in the dugout.

The Hunt for the Wilder People – 9.6/10

Oktoberfest – the only part that is good is that you are celebrating drinking.  Food’s terrible, polka’s terrible, and they are serving the extremely authentic German classics Budweiser and Coors Lite.

The lowest form of human interaction is the ‘share if you remember this pictures’ that are circulating Facebook.  Yes, I remember 8 track players.  Why do you want me to share this?  You want me to share this for no other reason than they existed at some point and I listened to music on them?   This goes to the same part of the brain that secretly enjoyed Encino Man.

For those that don’t remember Encino Man.  It was a film that starred Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser.  They were put to the test of their acting ability in this absolute gem.  Finger waving jocks and car driving Neanderthals.  It doesn’t get any better.

Suburban Housewife Finds Pokemon While Clearing out the Rocks in the Garden

In the 20’s and 30’s people had children so they would have workers on their farm.  In the 70’s and 80’s I think people had children so they didn’t have to get up to change the channel.  There are many people that were born just to grab beers and change channels.

Reason number 64 on why I don’t have children:  I giggled for 17 minutes while our friend’s child ran after the dog spraying him with water out of a spray bottle.

Descendants brewery is beginning to step up their game.  The last few beers that they have come out with have been pretty solid.  They also offer pretzels and panini’s for reasonable prices.  Next weekend they have a corn throwing competition as well.  These are all things that craft beer connoisseurs enjoy.  Bravo, bravo, where are my tight jeans and records.

Lawn darts was an excellent game.  And many times we as a society are a bit too sensitive to the injuries that may occur during certain events.  In this case though, it’s good that lawn darts are banned.

It’s rare that I will take a shopping cart off of the property of a retail establishment.  When you see somebody pushing one of those right up the sidewalk, you know one thing.  They don’t give a fu** about anything.

When I am around kids at a ball game I turn into a 47 year old suburban Mother with my made up swear words.  R.A. Dickey is pitching like sh…. Sugar, he’s pitching like sugar.

Star Trek:  Beyond – 9.1/10

Pop Star (the Andy Samberg flick) – 7.6/10

X-Men: Apocalypse – 5.1/10

Pokemon Go has really caught on.  There are two schools of thought.  This is so stupid.  Or this is so much fun.  There is nothing in between.  I did enjoy one scene yesterday though.  Kid was playing Pokemon in a drive-way where a car was trying to get into.  I can only assume the mental conversation between those two people went like this.

  • Get the fu** out of the way.”
  • But there’s a Drowzee here and I need him to power up my Hypno”
  • You are an idiot. Stop wasting your time.  When I was your age…
  • Let me have fun my own way you grumpy old man

Osheaga is this weekend.  I would absolutely love to go.  Especially this year, Radiohead is the headliner.  But, when I ask myself how I would handle 3 days of hot sun and live music?  The answer is always the same.  You don’t want to know.  Just relax middle aged Daryl, and wait till they come to a more comfortable and accessible venue.

There are a few areas that it’s extremely upsetting when somebody passes gas.  Waiting in a lineup for an autograph or a picture at a sci-fi convention may be in the top 3.   It generally already has a funky smell to it, and you can’t go anywhere to avoid it.

Just the idea of “fixing up the house” on a Saturday gives me shivers.  They should make a horror movie about this.  Single dude wakes up one morning to 3 kids, a basement to fix up, and gardening to do.  This would have to star Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anna Kendrick.  It would be called “Rocks in the Garden.”

It’s shocking to me that in some countries that they still stone people.  Could you imagine if the Trudeau government implemented this?  Trudeau would do 6 pushups and take 3 selfies just to prepare to throw the first rock.

Yesterday was the first time in quite a while where I just sat like an idiot not knowing what to do while people sang happy birthday to me.  It’s not nearly as bad as back in the day though.  One time at the Moose they put antlers on me before I was at the age to be able to drink.  I just sat there with my face going bright red due to embarrassment trying to figure how I was going to get back at my Father for doing this to me.

Spirit of the West Bobbleheads Available Out-West

Went to something extremely unique last night.  The National, Hayden, Kevin Drew (Broken Social Scene), and members from the Arkells played in a local church in Hamilton.  All proceeds went to helping Syrian refugees.  Not only was it one of the most intimate shows, but extremely emotional.  Hayden playing an acoustic version of Ahead by a Century almost brought the house down.  Seeing a big band in a small venue is the reason that you see live music.

Radiohead – Moon Shaped Pool – 8.9/10

Any music lover knows that Radiohead is adored by the masses in the indie rock world.  But, I put it similarly to Wes Anderson.  When you knock every single God damn thing that you do out of the park you should be worshipped by everybody that’s cool.

There is only one job that I am capable of handling while wearing a construction outfit – sign twirler.  Unless you count that summer that I want on tour with a YMCA tribute band.  That was rough times.  Playing retirement homes for Swedish mints, and candy that is all stuck together.

Blue Jays are playing some great baseball right now.  Anybody want to still sign Price instead of Happ and Estrada for 5 million dollars more a season, and for 4 more years?  Bueller, Bueller, White, Antholopous.

Bobblehead day at the Jays game was nearly disastrous.  Showed up at around the 10am time frame.  Waited in line for about an hour to receive the bobblehead.  Take it out of the packaging to take a picture with it (just want to make sure that everybody knows all of the awesome things that I am doing 24/7.  Even sleeping soundly I set up my phone to take a picture when I am in my deepest of sleep.  Look how awesome I am sleeping is the hashtag) Bautista and company fall to the floor and smash in 4 separate pieces.  I react very slowly.  Then Sara comes up with a brilliant plan.  It came out of the packaging like that.  As I tell the staff person my story, she gives me the “I know what you did” look and hands me another bobblehead.

Pet peeve #29.  Going through the drive-thru with somebody to grab breakfast, and they don’t know what they want to drink by the time the microphone person speaks up.  Drive-thru isn’t the himming and hawing area.  Go stand with Gord and Rose to talk about the shrubs inside of the restaurant if you are going to pull this nonsense.

The Path is a decent show.  It stars Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad and is about a cult.  Starts great, then lulls, but then hits hard near the end again.

I know that British Columbia is a beautiful place, but I find it funny that Canadians are so in love with the idea of “out-west”.  It’s the California of Canada.  Everything is just going to come together out-west.  Sitting on the edge of those Rockies – I will understand the meaning of life, but only out-west.  What should really be said? Everything is going to come together up-north.  You realize who you are when it’s been dark outside for 20 consecutive hours.

Top 3 things that happen at buck and doe’s (also known as stag and doe’s to people in the city) that people don’t know about

3 – Spirit of the West is only appreciated at exactly 12:59am.  If you play any-time before this you will be mocked.

2 – Flirting with the DJ while attempting to get your song played will not work.  You have “woooooood” 3 times, accidentally spit while you were talking twice, and nearly tripped on cables once.  Also, you requested a song that you don’t know the name to, and only know that the person’s name starts with “T”.

1 – Bringing the DJ drinks works every single fu**ing time

Speaking Dothraki with a Dyson Vacuum

Cleaning the bathroom is exactly what you want to do on a 30 degree beautiful Saturday morning.  Maybe my afternoon will be just as exciting.  Start off by doing my taxes, and end it with learning to speak Dothraki.

“You always win if you have dragons.”  These were Hitler’s last words.

Some of my favourite people in the world are the ones that can’t wait to get to the end of the joke, and just spit out the punch line mid-joke.  Women find these men much less desirable.

Complete and utter respect for the Raptors and their fan base.  Most of us are Raptor fans, but the people that are chanting “Let’s go Raptors” at the end of the decisive game 6 get huge props.  Hearing the chant in the background while LeBron’s giving his interview gave me chills.  This is one of the most underrated things about the love for sports.

My victory lap in high-school is one for the ages.  First semester:  Children’s Literature at 10am, and that was all.  Second semester:  Gym at 10am, and that was all.  All priorities went out the window.  It’s known in some circles as the year of the Budweiser.

One of the best teachers that I have ever had is retiring.  Mr. K was my drama teacher for a couple of semesters.  He is the one that got me out of my shell, big thanks to him.  And if you would like somebody to blame for my lack of filter when I speak you can blame him.

You always think that keeping score at a ball game will be a relaxing activity.  You see old men getting such joy out of writing down F-7 in the box score.  I guarantee that you don’t last 2 innings keeping score if you attempt this.  It takes a certain person to have this much attention to detail, and enjoy it.

Went deep into the internet matrix recently.  Found myself looking at cats sleeping in bowls for about 7 minutes.  My brain clicked in, and asked politely, but firmly.  “what the fu** are you doing?”

Heading to a new brewery in Cambridge today.  Barncat has opened up, and it’s about to get a fistful of dollars and a friendly (depending on the beer) hello from Kitchenerites.

Top 3 things that made me realize that I had to go to bed.

3  – Drinking out of the beer bottle that had cigarette butts in it.  Everybody from Letterkenny has done this so don’t say gross to me.

2 – Singing into a Heineken bottle instead of a microphone during a song on Rock Band.  The crowd began to boo, and I was just thinking.  “I sound so beautiful though, how am I losing?”

1 – Having my pants thrown off of a roof at a house party.  No explanation needed.

The man that invented Dyson that sounds so insightful on the commercials could sell me nearly anything.  You’re right I do need a holder for plastic bags.  They are just all over the place right now.  $30.00 – sure.  Where do I sign up?

The No Hitter

Looking out the window after a long hard day of his one and only class of Children’s Literature.  Smith thought to himself there is no way that they are going to be playing ball tonight.  Looks like rain, and that’s a mighty drive to Kincardine.  Just thinking about that beautiful cold case of Budweiser in the Admiral fridge from 1955 that was in the basement was almost enough for him to say forget it.

Then a small break in the clouds became a bit larger.  Hopping in the Eighty-Eight Oldsmobile. *before we move on here I would like to state that this is a stupid name for a car.  Especially if it’s not made in 1988.  It is very confusing.* Smith didn’t know what was about to be bestowed upon him.   On the way to the game you could feel something magical in the air, and it wasn’t passing by the KFC in Wingham.

Arriving at the game you saw the usual suspects hanging around their cars having beers and smokes.  None of them were fans, these were players.  After exchanging our usual high-fives and jokes about other team-mates mothers, we decided to get to work.  Even during the warm up I could feel the lucid delivery of a sharp lefthander.  Like a young David Wells getting to work.  Our catcher came up to me after the warm up and stated the following.  “Fuck Hencey, your breaking ball is fucking sharp.”  *Hencey was a former nickname of mine.  It basically means slow because of alcohol or drug use*

During the first couple of innings of this game, everything was moving fairly normal.  Smith was chuckin’ at a smooth 58mph.  Curve ball was looping, legs were flailing, and everything was working.  The third inning came around, and Smith was losing his control a little bit.  That’s when he noticed something.  The umpire was drunk.  He was calling strikes that were 3 to 4 inches inside or outside.  That’s when a lean lefty capitalized.  Two-two was locked in.  He pounded that zone for two straight innings.  Kincardine hitters had nothing to hit, and could do absolutely zero about it.

Fifth inning rolls around.  The umpire sadly has sobered up.  Hencey had to start pitching again.  Locking back in, he started to feel a bit of an uneasiness.  The curveball wasn’t quite as sharp, and he was going deeper into counts.  This is when the perfect game was lost.  Walking a batter with two out, and then having a screamer caught by the short-stop was the way that this inning ended.  Needing to relax, Smith goes up into the stands.  He pulls out an Export “A” ultra-lite to relieve the stress.  The Legionnaires put up a four spot that inning.  They developed a big lead.  All that needed to be done was to pitch another two innings.  At this point Kincardine realized that they were being no-hit.  It was time to bear down.

Sixth inning is where the magic started.  One out walk, and then a 3-2 count against their cleanup hitter.  He steps into a full-count offering.  Drills one right at the shins, Smith contorts his body in a way that has never been seen before and manages to catch the line drive between his legs on the back hand.  Falling down he noticed that the runner is well off the bag at first base.  Attempting to pick him off while doing an army roll….. The ball goes into the first base foul area about 10 feet away from the first baseman.  But what an effort.  Smith gets out of the inning unscathed.

7th inning.  The fog had rolled in from the lake.  Smith strikes out the first two batters on greasy curveballs.  Kincardine is down to their final out.  You can barely see in the sky anymore, the fog is unbearable.  This last batter needs to be k’d or it could be trouble.  54mph fastball is popped up on the infield.  Nobody can see it.  There’s chaos, then all of a sudden the first-baseman is screaming “GOT IT, GOT IT!” The ball lands safely in his glove.  Pandemonium breaks loose on the field.  After the hand-shakes at the conclusion of the game, venturing back to the parking lot, and lighting a few smokes; everybody knew that this day was going to go down in history as the greatest day in Legionnaire history.

The catcher walks up to Smith and asks. “Hencey what the fuck are we doing now?” Smith smirks and says “Let’s have 3 cheeseburgers from mickey d’s, and fuck off back to MoDean’s.”