On the Way to Kincardine in the El Camino

I only know a few couples that would talk in a British accent for the entire evening for fun.  These couples all have the exact same things in common.  The man generally enjoys (and feels a weird satisfaction) cutting the lawn.  The woman likes to make cakes in her spare time.  They are like the human version of what a Glee Club would be if every part of the ensemble was manufactured into a human body.  It makes me happy and feel sick all at the same time.  It’s a strange sensation.

There are too many salad dressings.  I can’t be walking up and down that aisle for 7 minutes looking at new types.  Just give me the top 5 that’s required.  It always works the same way.  “Hmmm, wonder what sweet onion parmesan would taste like?”  It’s a big risk – I’ll have this bottle for a minimum of two months.  Can’t chance it.

Grocery stores do seem to have better music nowadays.  This could be a combination of a couple of things.  People my age are in charge of the stores or the more likely scenario; I’m just noticing it more now because I’m actually paying attention and not just trying to find the chip aisle at a mad pace.

There were times where I would walk by the magazine section.  Maxim would obviously be sitting there for all to look at.  Growing up in a small town you couldn’t be caught with a Maxim in your hand at age 17.  You would get that look from a neighbor.  You know the look.  “Oh, my goodness.  What’s that Smith boy up to?  He probably smokes as well.  My Bobby would never be doing this.”  Meanwhile Bobby is beer touring with Big Willy on a side road out by Molesworth.

Molesworth is a small town going towards Wingham.  You knew when you hit Molesworth that you might as well shut your brain off for 30 minutes.  All there is to do is smell cow dung and look at farm animals.  That Adam Sandler stand up CD better be entertaining; because if not – I’m stopping at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way to Kincardine.

El Camino’s are half truck and half car.  Whoever invented this was a bold person.  You have to think that if this idea fails I’m getting fu**ing canned.

There are two stuffed animals in our apartment.  I always have them facing me while sitting on the couch.  When I’m eating something that I probably shouldn’t be I look around the room – the stuffed sheep especially has a judgmental face.  This will sometimes stop me from eating the food, but more than likely I will just turn the sheep around to face the wall.

I don’t trust adults that wear backpacks while walking out and about.  I find it odd that you have prepared for wherever you are going so much that you have a full backpack of supplies.

Supply teaching would be a tough gig.  No rapport with the students.  They have no idea who you are.  You are trying to pick up where Mrs. Henderson left off.  Tommy is going to try to figure out how to push your buttons.  Tammy is going to take her cellphone out and Snapchat somebody giving you the finger while you are writing on the chalkboard.  It’s a no-win situation in my mind.

Top 3 things that they will have to speed through during tonight’s Oscars to keep my attention.

1) Lifetime achievement award. Bringing some 90 year old dude that would probably rather be eating soda crackers on the couch with Myrtle. This is not his scene.  Just mail him the award.

2) Best short film. Yup, there will never be a time in my life that I will say to myself. Maybe I should search for these 20 minute films that were short-listed for the Oscars.

3) What they are wearing Oscars commentators. If you showed me a dress that came from Old Navy versus Jean-Francois Beaulivier’s studded dress (this is all made up… I think) with fabric that can only be found in Southern France – I couldn’t tell the difference.

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Modeling for the Lifestyle Section of the KW Record

What the hell was I doing before Spotify Premium?  Going through album reviews on Pitchfork, word of mouth, and full blown research on bands.  If I worked that hard at keeping in shape I could be doing photo shoots for the Lifestyle section of the Kitchener Record.

The idea of the Sunshine Girl and Boy in the Toronto Sun is outrageous.  This alone should be enough to tell you whatever political party the Sun is voting for that you should not.

Trudeau can nearly do anything that he wants and I will never think that it’s that bad because of Trump.  It’s kind of like when you are in a group of friends and one of them is always high on meth, in jail, or constantly plastered – it really doesn’t matter what happens; you will always be the golden boy that the wives will be ok with their husbands hanging out with.

Top 3 ways to make me instantly sad

3. Prevent me from petting a dog at a party. I will generally sneak a few pets in without Sara looking. She is allergic to dogs.  I think I have said that I didn’t want to go to a party if I couldn’t pet the dog.  This was a low point of my life.

2. Ask me to help you move. There isn’t an activity that I hate more than moving. At the start it’s ok, but after 10 minutes I begin to detest the things in the boxes.  “Screw you plates.  Haven’t used any of you in like a year, and you are heavy.”

  1. Anything to do with heights. I walked over a bridge in Collingwood and was nervous.  Then a child that was about 4 was jumping up and down on the bridge (which had me grabbing the side).  Not my finest moment.

Many of you know that I’ve retired from DJ’ing.  I’m actually surprised it took me this long to do it.  Everything about it is against my personality.  Forced to play music that I detest, being stressed out due to being in charge of an important part of someone’s big day, and dealing with drunk women.  Let me explain the last part.  Now, not all women are like this, but a higher percentage than you think.  Here’s the general outline of the evening for this type of female.

6 pm – Third glass of wine goes down smoothly

6:47 pm – Starting to get sick of the dinner music (even though dinner is still happening)

7:32 pm – First gin goes down smooth (dessert is beginning to finish)

8:04 pm – Classic rock dance begins – what is this DJ doing? (Old people are still in attendance)

8:43 pm – I’m requesting songs – generally have a well thought out list at this point.  “Excuse me fine sir, do you take requests?  I believe these fine songs will get the crowd moving and shaking.”  I think to myself what a pleasant woman.

9:36 pm – “He’s only played one of the six that I requested.  What’s he doing up there?  Nobody cares about the Beatles.  Paul McCartney can go fu** himself.”

9:56 pm – Slams a third shot of tequila “woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

10:32 pm – “You know what I want to hear? (Stands there for a second. I can see the hard drive in her brain struggling to spin) Ummmmmm, I forget what it is.  I’ll be back.”

11:28 pm – Voice level has raised.  It’s mostly just yelling random words in my ear.  I can usually make out the song though. “Dog, drunk, these shoes hurt, it’s hot in here, Despacito, Despacito, Despacito,” I’m assuming you want to hear Despacito?

12:24 am – “What’s the fu**ing song that goes huuuuum, muuuuaaah, saaaaaaaa.  You know the one.  It’s always on the radio.  Fu*****************” (there are about 23 people remaining.  Mixture of the family that have to clean up after and a wasted group of friends)

1:03 am – As I’m beginning to wind down the end.  “PLAY BABY’S GOT BACK” (Aunt June looks at me with disapproving eyes.  Sorry June, I have to do what she says.  I’m afraid of her)

1:09 am – I clean up at a mad pace

Top 5 Albums of 2017

This was a tough year to do this.  The emergence of Spotify in my daily life has made it more difficult for the whole album experience.  Only through sheer will and might was it possible to create a top 5 like never before (I base this on nothing).

5.

Arbouretum – Song of the Rose

This is a back to basics rock band that relies heavily on the vocals of their lead singer Dave Heumann.  While listening to this entire album I envision Dave standing on a mountain top with his long wind blowing in the wind bellowing these beautiful medieval lyrics.  This type of music is such a rarity now.  Straight forward guitar chords and drum beats that wrap themselves around the lead singer of the band.  I could see this album coming out in the late 70’s and being the opening band for a Deep Purple concert.  It’s a refreshing take on a style of music that has nearly been long forgotten.  Slow grooves (Dead Meadow’esque) rock the rest of the album after Fall From an Eyrie which is the highlight of the album.  All in all it’s a wonderful rock and roll album that will have you giving a double take at the year that it actually came out.

4.

The War on Drugs – A Deeper Understanding

It’s difficult for me to even rank this album.  When a band comes out with maybe the album of the decade (Lost in the Dream) how do you follow that up?  Their approach for this record is simple.  It’s basically a spin off of the song “Under the Pressure” from the aforementioned album.  Each song is a wonderful medley of a mumbling Adam Grunduciel that is kind of a mix of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, and Bryan Adams.  The vibe of the band is still phenomenal, and their live show is even better.  This album is the kind of background music that you can throw and every person that experienced Woodstock or wanted to experience Woodstock will be head-bobbing asking who this band is.  There is absolutely no question about it – this is a throw back to blue collar 80’s rock and roll.  One thing is certain they have perfected the chill vibe – putting you at ease like a bed-time story – followed with a 3 minute guitar solo.  Pain is the song to hear – enjoy.

 

3.

Real Estate – In Mind

Why mess with something that works so beautifully?  Real Estate does not go off of the tracks often.  The gorgeous beach vibe chords meshed with a flowing soft voice – that has been their bread and butter since day one.  Their main function to you is to make you feel like life is going to be good to you.  There is not a care in the world when any Real Estate album.  As mentioned in years their sound feels like you cleaning up your house after a wonderful house party the next day.  Sun is shining, birds are chirping, and you are slightly fighting dehydration.  This album has kind of stuck with me since it’s release.  I wasn’t overly impressed at the beginning, but as with nearly every one of their previous records it begins to imprint itself onto your soul.  The modern day Beach Boys wouldn’t be a stretch here.  Darling is the song to focus on here.

 

2.

L.A. Witch – Self Titled

This band came out of nowhere.  Three early twenties women that have a sound that is so bloody cool.  Like a Tarantino movie if it was made into music.  Their lead singer/guitarist Sade Sanchez is an absolute presence in every regard.  Whether it be her garage rock style of guitar playing or her Janis Joplin type of raspy singing.  The band revolves around her completely.  There isn’t an album that I’ve played more this year.  Each week I would wait for another single from the album to come out and be amazed when it was just as good as the previous.  There isn’t any other way to put this – there isn’t a cooler band out there in the world than these three ladies.  Drive Your Car is the single that really gets this thing going.

 

1.

Beach Fossils – Somersault

Well, this was an unexpected surprise.  The boys from Beach Fossils were at one time Real Estate lite.  They  have grown into an absolute powerhouse of a band with the adding melody and multiple instruments.  They have always had a nice vibe to them.  An easy- to-listen to approach.  This album still has those components.  What it adds is more depth to the band.  Giving them a sustainability they may not have had before.  Flowing vocals, beautiful acoustics, and percussion’s that play with a sense of urgency that I had not heard previously.  This could be the start of something great if they are able to keep the momentum of this album going.  Looking forward to what’s next.  Be Nothing and Sugar are the best two songs of the album.

Anticipating 2017

I am not much for New Year Resolutions.  But, here’s a few things that I am going to attempt to curve or change for the upcoming year.

Limit my social media.  You would think that with the amount of things that are posted that you would actually learn something new or at least be able to have a chuckle at some thing.  This is not the case.  One thing is clear.  We find one topic and tear it apart until every single blade of the topic has been picked, and all that’s remaining is a wasteland of memes and wasted time.

Read more books.  There is so much good literature out there that nobody has ever heard of.  There isn’t a much more satisfying moment of setting that completed book down.  Hopefully this will equate to less of the above point.  This will require me to pay off my library fine unfortunately.  I feel that the library should send you a hand written letter when your book is super-overdue.  Also, if you are trying to right a wrong in retail; write a letter with pencil.  You will never see a company jump as quick as when head-office receives something written in pencil.

Look for more music.  There is quality music out there even if you don’t want to believe it.  Using Spotify and Apple Music has allowed me to find bands and solo artists that I never knew existed.  I am currently listening to Solange on Spotify, and it’s absolutely fantastic.  I know it’s extremely easy to get into that routine of only listening to what you know.  There are 75 radio stations that agree with you.  30 day challenge.  Find a solid album every 30 days, and post a review online about it.

See more live things.  Plays, music, stand up.  Need to support these artists.  There is so much talent out there, and they continue to struggle while fu**ing Chewbacca Mom becomes insta-famous.

Then there’s the obvious.  Eat healthier, hit the gym, less take out food.  This should always be a New Year goal for each and every person.

Stop eating those memberberries.  Reminiscing and focusing on when times were a certain way.  Brexit and Trump are both causes of memberberries.  People need to adjust to what the world creates.

Spend more face to face time with people.  Internet friends are cool, but nothing can replace the in person pint discussing what the Jays should do next with their ball club.

Try to only post original thoughts on Twitter and Facebook.  Need to keep this brain moving and shaking.  Can’t fall into the trap of complaining and trying to change every single thing that’s wrong with this world.

Farmers Market vegetables yo.  This is such an easy change.  There is a market that’s a 15 min walk from my place every Saturday morning.

Have a Happy New Year.

 

 

 

 

Challenging all People in Deck Shoes to a Duel.

I don’t DJ all that much now, but when I do I have to ask for help of what’s popular to dance to.  So…. Lady Gaga isn’t popular anymore?  What about Pearl Jam?  You don’t know who Pearl Jam is?  Well, let me show you Alive.  What do you mean this is terrible?

There isn’t a bone in my body that enjoys UFC.  It actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  They should have cute dogs barking at them while the neanderthals scrap.

It’s a well known fact that I am not good with children.  There is nothing to talk about with them.  But I did find out that telling them that they are a moron for thinking that The Secret Life of Pets is the best movie of the year is frowned upon.

Secret Life of Pets – 7.5/10

Rapping is extremely difficult.  Many times people have attempted it at karaoke, but most fail miserably.  Becoming out of breath by just talking seems like a waste of energy.

Tacos have become the new bacon.  I have grown tired of those memes.  Show me something original.  Medium sized white man wearing a pastel green shirt, asking for a box of gobstoppers for dinner.  It doesn’t make sense, but at least it’s original.

White Reebok shoes and a good pair of deck shoes would take you through a good 10 years of your life as a middle-aged man in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Foxy Hamilton is a good name for an Exotic Dancer or a Private Detective from Harlem in the late 70’s.

Purchased NHL 17 today.  There were two options.  The standard game for $49.99 or the game with the figurine of Vladimir Tarasenko for $49.99.  I stated that I would take the game with the action figure for $49.99.  I also stated that the action figure was for my nephew.  Then, I stated that I don’t know why I said that.  This was the end of this transaction.  A simple purchase that became horribly awkward by D Smith.

One thing that is probably a common saying in most people’s households today.  “Let’s have a burger tonight.  I am so fu**ing sick of turkey that I never want to eat it again.  Fu** you turkey.”  That might be a bit aggressive at the end, but at least the first part could be accurate.

Was never a huge fan of Toucan Sam.  Always thought his noise would find other cereals as well as Fruit Loops.  There many cereals that smell like sniffing a bag of sweet tarts.

There is an always an awkward time when people look around the room for the guy that was laughing when somebody got their head chopped of in a horror movie.  Sorry!  I don’t know why I find this humorous.

Top 3 Christmas moments if you received a horse as a gift.

  1. Pulling the horse along the icy sidewalk yesterday morning.  Oh, that would have been a treat.  “Come on Bucky, maybe you should have better shoes on?”
  2. Feeding the horse only Kraft Dinner to see what happens.
  3. Stating to people that you would like to challenge them to a duel while riding your horse triumphantly around Victoria St at 7am on Boxing Day morning.

 

 

 

Thoughts of a Childless, Middle-aged Man

I don’t have children.  I don’t want children.  I have no problem with children, and you may have as many as you like.

As a married 38 year old man I have had to answer this question constantly.  “Why don’t you have any children?”  I am sure this question has come up for Sara more often; when you have been married for a number of year’s people assume that there must be something wrong with either yourself or your spouse.  Some people are built to be mothers and fathers.  Enjoy every aspect of it.  And others *insert a picture of Sara and I giving the thumbs up* are not.

I am sure that this was a more difficult conversation decades ago.  Sara and I haven’t had that tough of a time with it.  Most people can see the type of personality that we have as a couple, and know that having a child would probably rip at every fabric that makes us tick.  The pressures seem to come mainly from a couple of different areas from me internally.  Needing somebody that I can live vicariously through, and needing somebody to carry on my name or legacy.

These are two things that can go in the nice to have category, but cannot be used to pull the trigger so to speak.  Sure, it would be great if I had a little boy that was instantly 12 years old and absolutely loved baseball, golf, and hockey.  Was a straight “A” student, extremely popular without being a douche, and went on to be successful in every single aspect of his entire life.  Just came straight out of the womb like that.  Sign me up for that exchange program.  Trading in Donald Trump for that scenario would be ideal.

There are other reasons why bearing children does not interest me.  I have no interest in raising anybody into this world that we have created.  It’s an utter mess.  Violence of course, but more importantly ignorance in both religion and global warming.  If you had a car with a tire that had a 3 inch hole in it and there were no other tires available.  Would you drive the car, and think to yourself “that hole won’t get any bigger.”  Or would you attempt to summon somebody from the sky that possibly doesn’t exist to give you a new tire.”  Or, the third option.  Give up a small amount of your empire to try to seal the hole in the tire?

As I grow older it’s strange.  You expect to have that moment when everything just clicks.  Knowing exactly what needs to be done to allow a 60 year old Daryl everything that he could possibly desire.  This moment hasn’t struck yet.  The set plan that I see on every Freedom 55 commercial is the following.  “Yeah, saving 25% of my $100,000/year job is easy.  Retirement is right around the corner.”  Unfortunately, many people are working multiple jobs to make ends meet for their $500,000 mortgage on that 2 bedroom bungalow that was half of that price 5 years ago.

There is another issue.  The rat-race is real when you get that first grown-man job.    Maybe it’s immaturity or maybe it’s boredom of the everyday.  I just don’t have a set schedule.  To come home every day and follow up on the latest seasons of the 9 different shows that I am currently watching sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.  And now that I have a 9-5 Monday-Friday grown up job I feel myself falling into this pattern.  It’s terrifying.  Is this the beginning of my middle-aged boredom?

What’s next?  Coming up on 40, don’t have kids to keep myself occupied.  Many of you that do have kids would just love a few hours of free-time.  Hearing a DINK (dual income no kids) describe his issues of having too much free time must really grind your gears.  Can you let me get back to my middle-aged whining now?  Geez, so selfish.   It’s the complete opposite side of the spectrum.  Sara and I are fairly active, but my tendency to not be able to relax can drive her crazy at times.  There are instances where I swear that she wishes that I had too much to drink the night before so my need for activities would slow down.

Even though I don’t have any answers whatsoever I still try new things out to fill the hole.   Is this the canyon that people constantly try to fill with children?  Maybe it is.  Some people fill it with alcohol or drugs.  Others fill it with sports and volunteering.  I don’t have a passion.  There are many things that I enjoy doing, and I feel that I am a well-rounded person – is there a pie chart of things that will keep me occupied and content?

Most of this is a ramble.  Confusion of a middle-aged, middle-classed, childless male that would like somebody to access his brain to create a calendar of events for the next 25 years of his life.  If I only had an extremely wonderful event planner that worked in that area of my brain.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.  This is one holiday that I absolutely adore.

Going Back in Time with Will Ferrell

Even as the words came out of my mouth I knew that they didn’t make any sense.  “I thought Sausage Party would be a little bit wittier and smarter.”  It’s called Sausage Party.  Why would I think that?

The golf clubs might be hung up for another year.  They went out with a high, and it’s very unlikely that they will strike the ball that well for the rest of the year.  It’s called the George Castanza. You go out on top, and don’t look back.  The high for me is shooting an 84.

If you uttered or thought the comment “was that on 9”; you have no shot in the stand-up comedy scene.  Any laugh that you receive on that joke is called a pity laugh, and most people hope that you go away after saying it.

I was notified today by Sara that there are people drilling holes in new iPhone 7 thinking that there headphones would work after this was done.  These people should be put down.

Trump and Hillary have a debate coming up this weekend.  The person on the news believes that Trump is more likely to say something that will hurt his chances than Hillary.  On the contrary.  He could state that blowing up the moon with laser cats is a good idea, and he wouldn’t lose one supporter.

Sausage Party – 5.6/10

Where has the smart humor gone?  There hasn’t been a solid comedy that has come out in a few years.  They actually usually coincide with the good of Will Ferrell and every time Wes Anderson releases a flick.

There is new music to talk about as well.  Have you been missing the sounds of Echo and the Bunnymen?  No, or never heard of them?  Well, move on.  If your answer was yes.  Then have a listen to the self-titled album by the Preoccupations.  It’s one of the first solid albums of 2016.

Our Lady Peace and I Mother Earth are playing Halloween night at Centre in the Square.  Rumors are that when the clock strikes 10pm on Halloween night with these two bands and their original line up together that every fan will be transported to a half-price flannel sale in 1995.

Sunday morning is excellent for banana pancakes and the largest coffee that you can possibly find.  You will have a weird sugar and caffeine high clutching your pro-line tickets watching the clock with anticipation until 1pm when football starts. You will then hit a wall at 1pm after you come down from the high, and probably have a nap at 1:47pm watching a scoreless Bills/Cardinals game.

I am debating buying goaltending equipment to begin to play hockey again.  Then I remember how much damn equipment that you need to be a goalie.  I also remember how much getting hit in the groin by a puck hurts.  You always have that guy that’s on your team in warmups that wants to show how hard his slap-shot is from the hash marks.  He never knows where it’s going, and his laugh is similar to a stoned Seth Rogen.  Even after saying all of this I have opened 3 Kijiji ads for hockey equipment.

As we watch the Blue Jays march towards that Wild Card Playoff game remember that getting to the playoffs is a fu**ing difficult thing to do as a mid-market team in the AL East.  Enjoy every moment of it.

Professor X Searching for Fashion on Victoria St in Kitchener

It’s been a while since I have attempted to access the part of my brain that requires thoughts and wisdom.  I feel like Professor Xavier going into Cerebro looking for his mutants.  Only this time I am looking for my mutants that enjoy this type of writing.  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

If Billy Joel asked me to go for a coffee at a Tim Horton’s that was 3 blocks away I don’t think I would go.  The only thing that I might mention while sipping on my coffee that I wish was a bit cooler so I could leave quicker would be “So, Piano Man is an ok song.  Probably in my top 1000 songs of all-time.”

Has anybody ever asked for a dog that doesn’t poop?  That is the biggest downfall with owning a pet.  Why can’t they just have their waste go through their skin like a shark?  I have tasted fermented shark in Iceland.  It tastes exactly like what you would assume pee would taste like.  It also got stuck in between two of my teeth so the supposed taste of pee was in stuck in between my teeth for two hours.  Now that’s insanity.

Sara cut her hike on the Sunshine Coast Trail short due to stepping on hornets nest.  She described the event as apocalyptic in nature, and just like if the apocalypse were to happen today; she continued to look for her phone that she dropped while hornets stung her.

Going to see Rodriguez tonight at Centre in the Square.  The show is sold out, if you still haven’t watched the documentary “Searching for Sugar Man” – watch it this weekend.

Sometimes I drive by certain retail stores in strip malls and wonder if they have even seen a customer for the past week?  New York Fashion on Victoria is right beside an emissions test place and a body shop for cars place.  Just want to open up the door and yell “why did you think this was a good idea?”

NFL season has started up.  Other-wise known as a gambling man’s wet dream.  I feel as though the sales of salsa and French onion dip sky-rocket at this time of year.   There is nothing better than drowsing off with your hand slightly in a bag of Ruffles regular chips and your team up by 14 points with 3 minutes to go in a game.

There was a very strange/short time of people deciding to smoke tobacco vapes indoors, and people allowing it.   Non-smokers went through emotions of we know this is wrong, should we say something, is it even illegal, and what the hell is going on?

When you travel are you looking for different looking rocks on the beach and bringing them home?  What are you doing with these rocks?  People will show me these rocks, and my first instinct is to chuck it into the ocean, and call them an idiot.  Sorry, I know it’s a bit harsh, but you are being an idiot.

After I pass away it seems like a cool idea of having my ashes planted with a tree.  The trees best traits would be to grow extremely slowly, and have multiple comfortable places to sit.  It would also have an unusually cold hole that you could store refreshments.

Sing Street – 8.8/10

Captain America:  Civil War – 6.4/10

Jungle Book – 9.1/10

Marvel has this down to a science.  Just roll out that mathematical equation of different characters and vomit of ridiculous action that people can stuff their face full of popcorn muttering to themselves “this is so cool.”

Our neighbor is a middle-aged white man that is constantly standing on the side walk with no shirt on constantly smoking a cigarette.  Sometimes he is talking to somebody or himself.  I am not sure there is a possible situation that you could be less productive than this man.

Suburban Housewife Finds Pokemon While Clearing out the Rocks in the Garden

In the 20’s and 30’s people had children so they would have workers on their farm.  In the 70’s and 80’s I think people had children so they didn’t have to get up to change the channel.  There are many people that were born just to grab beers and change channels.

Reason number 64 on why I don’t have children:  I giggled for 17 minutes while our friend’s child ran after the dog spraying him with water out of a spray bottle.

Descendants brewery is beginning to step up their game.  The last few beers that they have come out with have been pretty solid.  They also offer pretzels and panini’s for reasonable prices.  Next weekend they have a corn throwing competition as well.  These are all things that craft beer connoisseurs enjoy.  Bravo, bravo, where are my tight jeans and records.

Lawn darts was an excellent game.  And many times we as a society are a bit too sensitive to the injuries that may occur during certain events.  In this case though, it’s good that lawn darts are banned.

It’s rare that I will take a shopping cart off of the property of a retail establishment.  When you see somebody pushing one of those right up the sidewalk, you know one thing.  They don’t give a fu** about anything.

When I am around kids at a ball game I turn into a 47 year old suburban Mother with my made up swear words.  R.A. Dickey is pitching like sh…. Sugar, he’s pitching like sugar.

Star Trek:  Beyond – 9.1/10

Pop Star (the Andy Samberg flick) – 7.6/10

X-Men: Apocalypse – 5.1/10

Pokemon Go has really caught on.  There are two schools of thought.  This is so stupid.  Or this is so much fun.  There is nothing in between.  I did enjoy one scene yesterday though.  Kid was playing Pokemon in a drive-way where a car was trying to get into.  I can only assume the mental conversation between those two people went like this.

  • Get the fu** out of the way.”
  • But there’s a Drowzee here and I need him to power up my Hypno”
  • You are an idiot. Stop wasting your time.  When I was your age…
  • Let me have fun my own way you grumpy old man

Osheaga is this weekend.  I would absolutely love to go.  Especially this year, Radiohead is the headliner.  But, when I ask myself how I would handle 3 days of hot sun and live music?  The answer is always the same.  You don’t want to know.  Just relax middle aged Daryl, and wait till they come to a more comfortable and accessible venue.

There are a few areas that it’s extremely upsetting when somebody passes gas.  Waiting in a lineup for an autograph or a picture at a sci-fi convention may be in the top 3.   It generally already has a funky smell to it, and you can’t go anywhere to avoid it.

Just the idea of “fixing up the house” on a Saturday gives me shivers.  They should make a horror movie about this.  Single dude wakes up one morning to 3 kids, a basement to fix up, and gardening to do.  This would have to star Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anna Kendrick.  It would be called “Rocks in the Garden.”

It’s shocking to me that in some countries that they still stone people.  Could you imagine if the Trudeau government implemented this?  Trudeau would do 6 pushups and take 3 selfies just to prepare to throw the first rock.

Yesterday was the first time in quite a while where I just sat like an idiot not knowing what to do while people sang happy birthday to me.  It’s not nearly as bad as back in the day though.  One time at the Moose they put antlers on me before I was at the age to be able to drink.  I just sat there with my face going bright red due to embarrassment trying to figure how I was going to get back at my Father for doing this to me.

Spirit of the West Bobbleheads Available Out-West

Went to something extremely unique last night.  The National, Hayden, Kevin Drew (Broken Social Scene), and members from the Arkells played in a local church in Hamilton.  All proceeds went to helping Syrian refugees.  Not only was it one of the most intimate shows, but extremely emotional.  Hayden playing an acoustic version of Ahead by a Century almost brought the house down.  Seeing a big band in a small venue is the reason that you see live music.

Radiohead – Moon Shaped Pool – 8.9/10

Any music lover knows that Radiohead is adored by the masses in the indie rock world.  But, I put it similarly to Wes Anderson.  When you knock every single God damn thing that you do out of the park you should be worshipped by everybody that’s cool.

There is only one job that I am capable of handling while wearing a construction outfit – sign twirler.  Unless you count that summer that I want on tour with a YMCA tribute band.  That was rough times.  Playing retirement homes for Swedish mints, and candy that is all stuck together.

Blue Jays are playing some great baseball right now.  Anybody want to still sign Price instead of Happ and Estrada for 5 million dollars more a season, and for 4 more years?  Bueller, Bueller, White, Antholopous.

Bobblehead day at the Jays game was nearly disastrous.  Showed up at around the 10am time frame.  Waited in line for about an hour to receive the bobblehead.  Take it out of the packaging to take a picture with it (just want to make sure that everybody knows all of the awesome things that I am doing 24/7.  Even sleeping soundly I set up my phone to take a picture when I am in my deepest of sleep.  Look how awesome I am sleeping is the hashtag) Bautista and company fall to the floor and smash in 4 separate pieces.  I react very slowly.  Then Sara comes up with a brilliant plan.  It came out of the packaging like that.  As I tell the staff person my story, she gives me the “I know what you did” look and hands me another bobblehead.

Pet peeve #29.  Going through the drive-thru with somebody to grab breakfast, and they don’t know what they want to drink by the time the microphone person speaks up.  Drive-thru isn’t the himming and hawing area.  Go stand with Gord and Rose to talk about the shrubs inside of the restaurant if you are going to pull this nonsense.

The Path is a decent show.  It stars Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad and is about a cult.  Starts great, then lulls, but then hits hard near the end again.

I know that British Columbia is a beautiful place, but I find it funny that Canadians are so in love with the idea of “out-west”.  It’s the California of Canada.  Everything is just going to come together out-west.  Sitting on the edge of those Rockies – I will understand the meaning of life, but only out-west.  What should really be said? Everything is going to come together up-north.  You realize who you are when it’s been dark outside for 20 consecutive hours.

Top 3 things that happen at buck and doe’s (also known as stag and doe’s to people in the city) that people don’t know about

3 – Spirit of the West is only appreciated at exactly 12:59am.  If you play any-time before this you will be mocked.

2 – Flirting with the DJ while attempting to get your song played will not work.  You have “woooooood” 3 times, accidentally spit while you were talking twice, and nearly tripped on cables once.  Also, you requested a song that you don’t know the name to, and only know that the person’s name starts with “T”.

1 – Bringing the DJ drinks works every single fu**ing time