Eating Christmas Cake While Attending Rib Fest

You always think that going to a classic car show is going to be an exciting adventure.  There will be all of these old-school automobiles.  Maybe I could look at the engine of one?  My interest will begin to peak.  This will result in looking into some automobiles on the internet – learning the amount of horsepower that the GM Rocket ’74 with bucket seats that have one single seatbelt that goes throughout the whole vehicle.  None of this happens.  I usually just end up with BBQ sauce spilled on my shirt from some mediocre pulled pork sandwich and a sunburn.  I’m happy that my brain didn’t open up to the idea of fantasizing about machines.

Since I was a minimum of 18 years old I’ve had internal conversations with myself of how much I would pay if I could snap my fingers and be on the couch in certain situations.  Fairly certain that I’ve gone as high as 5 grand. This happened one day driving back from Ottawa the morning after a Flyers 6-1 playoff loss in a car full of goons that all had minimum 22 draft beers each.

I’m really not sure where your brain goes during trips of a certain length.  It’s fairly similar to when Homer’s brain leaves him after he makes a terrible decision and his body just goes on autopilot.  Sitting on a plane for more than 12 hours I begin to go insane.  “No, I don’t want to watch Dr. Strange again.  I’m going to try to sleep with my upper body completely vertical.  Oh, my neck is snapped ahead and I’ve drooled on the floor – ok, good!  Maybe I will listen to a podcast about the reason that dirt is the colour brown.  How much longer until we get there?  9 hours! Where are the sleeping drugs?”

My old man used to play slopitch for a team in Listowel.  After the majority of the games, we would go back to his team-mates place that had a pool and go for a swim.  This house also had a hot tub which was great.  The Smith boys gained a reputation for eating the majority of the chips.  I’ve only witnessed my old man getting frustrated one time.  Somebody splashed water from the hot tub and it went into a bowl of the ketchup chips.  The Smith family piled into the car and went home within the next 17 minutes.

Everyone knew a kid that their eyes would look like a zombie from too much chlorine.  Dean, you need to shut your eyes when you go underwater.  Also, why are you going under water in a hot tub – this is a terrible decision.  They would bash their knee off of the stairs due to being fired up in the hot tub.  This would cause tears and then Daryl would also have to exit the hot tub.

There is an antibiotic that helps with chest congestion that also can cause Achilles tendon ruptures if you run too quickly.  Rarely am I ever in a situation that I am in full out sprint mode, but if I ruptured my Achilles Tendon playing “F” league slo-pitch I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

Rib Fest is currently happening in Kitchener.  This is the prototypical event where you go in red hot.  Grab a full plate of ribs, 4 tiny beers (fu**ing hate their stupid cups), giant turkey leg, and 37 napkins.   You grab a table with 7 strangers and begin to go to work.  After 9 minutes you begin to hear a weird gurgle in your stomach.  Shrugging it off as maybe you are still hungry you move on.  Then the sweats begin to occur.  It doesn’t seem to be that hot.  My sweat also has a somewhat weird odor.  You spent $40.00 on this food and drink – you need to continue on.  Three-quarters of the way through the meal you notice that one of the buttons on your shirt has come undone.  It’s time to stop.  As you get up from the picnic table you slowly wander toward the exit with both hands on your stomach hoping that this will magically heal your angry body.  This is when you think to yourself – what a great Rib Fest, I can’t wait until next year.

Top 3 weird things served with Christmas dinner or around Christmas time.

3) Jello – it runs all over the place when put with hot food. Red mashed potatoes do not look that appetizing.

2) All of those giant nuts – You have to get the nutcracker out only once a year.  Make a giant mess and it’s extremely loud.  Grandpa shoots you that stare as he’s trying to watch the news.  “Kid stop eating walnuts.  I’m trying to watch the highlights of the parade down main street.”

1) Christmas Cake – it’s the absolute worst.  Let’s make the shi*iest cake (let’s add weird dried fruit to it as well to make it even worse) and serve during the best holiday.

Advertisements

Eating Dandelions in Paris with Street Performers

I’ve taken a couple days off to rent a little house in Paris.  One thing that is noticeable when grabbing a place in this sleepy little town is that the conversations with the house owner really feels like you’ve been transported back in time.  “Oh, you’ll have to go out and see the deer with their fawn at 3 pm when the children all go out as well.  Then there’s Henry the Heron – you can see him from the patio.  You might get a glimpse of the beaver family as well.  They usually come out at around 5 pm.”  I have not said a word and it’s been a 23 min conversation.  Somehow, I feel more at ease and have just had a slice of homemade apple pie without knowing it.

Watched the first two episodes of Rostered On.  It’s a comedy about an electronic retail big box shop in the UK.  The jokes hit a little too close to home.  There was a scene about a man that had the settings on his toaster at the highest settings and complained that his burnt toast was from a faulty toaster.  The next thing that I remember is rocking in a corner with my Future Shop uniform clutched tight to my chest mumbling something about not being able to return a USB flash drive.

Is the World Cup over yet?  Generally, I don’t detest any single nation.  Every four years or so I find myself cheering only against one team – Portugal.  The reason is out of pure entertainment.  The fans are the most over-the-top whiners that I’ve witnessed.

Can’t imagine having the hoarding disorder.  There was a time that Sara and I did have a messy house, but this was caused by sheer laziness and not wanting to hold onto stuff.  There has never been a time that I thought “Oh, maybe this hairnet from the hotel will come in handy in a few years.  We should keep it around the house.  Especially since I’ve never used one in my life.”

The one thing that I don’t miss about living in a small town is knowing everything about everyone.  I don’t need to know what Mrs. Jackson’s two children’s marks were in Math in Grade 8.  I need space in my brain for old hockey trades and the name of the first album by the Beta Band.

How do you get into the street performer profession?  I’m not talking about the guitar players.  I’m referring to the break dancers, jugglers, etc…  Baking out in the sun and juggling fu**ing knives seems like the absolute last thing that I would ever want to do, let alone practice.  You have to spend countless hours becoming an expert in this craft.    The more re-tracing that I do on this profession the more ridiculous that it seems.  What’s the pinnacle – Vegas?  Nobody is looking up the stats on knife jugglers?  Well, one person – me, but nobody else.

An Ice Cream Truck recently came to my work.  As many co-workers ran out with glee to the ice cream truck they were turned away by the man – he was meant to go across the road to another tech company.  Many were sad, and a few confused on why he wouldn’t serve paying customers anyways.  The rest of the day just couldn’t live up to the moment of seeing that beautiful multi-coloured truck pull in and park for just that minute.  This life in tech moment has been brought to you by TWB Coop Brewery.  Where every day is like a Mumford and Sons concert.

Top 3 things that I knew as a child that other children didn’t seem to know/care about

3) Dandelions are not delicious.  There are thousands of these things everywhere.  They don’t even look tasty.  Had one of those yellow petals and it tasted bitter.  Little Georgie would just power through a minimum of 6 or 7 of these a day.  He’d have yellow stains on his pants.  Georgie didn’t have many friends – except the dandelions.

2) Being timed to get things by your parents is a trick.  “I will get this thing for you, but it will cost you a minimum of three chips old man.”

3) Getting dirty sucks.  “Alright man, you can roll around in that puddle if you want Joe.  Seems like a huge mistake to me.  You are going to look like sh** and your Mom is going to light you up when you get home.  Well, there you go.  Remember this conversation when you get home, yup lap it up like a dog as well – real smart Joe.”

Being Pet Like a Dog in a Tent at a Music Festival

I’ve felt fairly lazy over the last few days.  This really came to the forefront when the PS4 controller was plugging into charge – I searched the app store to find a way to use the PS4 from my phone.  By the end of this journey on the phone I ended up looking at dogs wearing capes (47 min had passed).

Today is fairly miserable out in regards to weather.  It’s one of those days that you throw a documentary on about the reason fluoride doesn’t seem to be used at dentist offices anymore.

There are some stats out there that say being a dentist has one of the highest rates of depression.  Is there any logic behind this?  My dentist seems to be happy.  He does seem to enjoy sticking needles into my mouth though.  Even though I have those weird shades on, I can still see this massive needle you bastard.  Stop smiling when I’m gripping the sides of the chair.  Don’t scream “woooooo” while yanking out a wisdom tooth.

I once owned a top hat.  That might have been the worst purchase of my career as a human.  Not many people can pull it off.  Especially when you aren’t wearing a full tuxedo.  Going out in an Aaron Rodgers jersey with a top hat is not a good look.  One of two things is going to happen.  People at the pub think that you’ve lost a bet or that you are just an idiot.  No one says “oh that guy is edgy – maybe I should talk to him”.

Bingeman’s just had their annual EDM Festival.  23 kids were sent to hospital with potential drug over doses.  What happened to the days of just sitting in the lawn chair high on weed?  The only chance of an overdose is on Nacho Cheese Doritos.  It did always start the same way at these festivals.

“I’m going to see every band possible.”

“This chair is very comfortable”

“I’m feeling a bit bloated from the 9 hotdogs and 17 Budweiser’s that I’ve had”

‘The attempt to get off of the chair – only to lose your balance and sit right back down (this also includes a somewhat concerned, but also humorous expression on your face)

“This band only has a couple of good songs.  Think I’m good right here.”

“I was just resting my eyes – I’m fine”

“Who has Red Bull?  You can mix that with booze and your fine right?  I went to a doctor once and he mentioned that my heart was strong enough to handle that (this was a lie).”

“This day was amazing.  I can’t wait to do this for three days in a row.”

The tent is so gross at a festival.  You wake up in the morning slightly sweaty and dehydrated.  As you search around for your glasses you notice that your beer has spilled in the corner of the tent.  Somehow there is a dog sleeping at one corner of the tent.  You think to yourself – I don’t own a dog.  There’s a small pile of dirt that looks purposefully put there, and there are at minimum three mosquitos that have had a feast on your boozy body.  You don’t know where your shades are so zip open the tent like a vampire with your eyes open as small as they can go while still being able to see.  Wandering around without any real purpose other than to find some type of liquid substance that isn’t alcohol.  Finally locate a Gatorade – you prop yourself down onto the slightly dangerous picnic table (nails sticking out).  This is the moment every festival goer says to themselves “Why do I do this to myself?”

Gatorade is in kind of a strange situation.  It’s meant to be a sport drink, but 93% of the purchases are by hungover human beings.  They must be thinking to themselves – well this really worked out.

Top 3 weird things that happen on our trip to Asia (this is not a recent trip)

3)  Being pet on the head like a dog while squished on a bus in Beijing.  I wouldn’t say there is anything unique about my appearance, but this man wanted to make sure my hair was real?

2) Only men dance in Vietnam.  Dancing closer than I’m generally comfortable with 3 tiny Vietnamese men to Asian pop music.  Women were all in the back having a conversation.

1)  Playing the noodles or intestines game in Japan.  Many of the restaurants have a vending machine that you grab a ticket from and take it to a person.  The only way that you have any clue of what’s in the bowl is by this tiny picture that looks exactly the same as every other tiny picture.  Then a bowl of something arrives at your table.  I’m fairly certain I was 50/50 on wins and losses.

On the Way to Kincardine in the El Camino

I only know a few couples that would talk in a British accent for the entire evening for fun.  These couples all have the exact same things in common.  The man generally enjoys (and feels a weird satisfaction) cutting the lawn.  The woman likes to make cakes in her spare time.  They are like the human version of what a Glee Club would be if every part of the ensemble was manufactured into a human body.  It makes me happy and feel sick all at the same time.  It’s a strange sensation.

There are too many salad dressings.  I can’t be walking up and down that aisle for 7 minutes looking at new types.  Just give me the top 5 that’s required.  It always works the same way.  “Hmmm, wonder what sweet onion parmesan would taste like?”  It’s a big risk – I’ll have this bottle for a minimum of two months.  Can’t chance it.

Grocery stores do seem to have better music nowadays.  This could be a combination of a couple of things.  People my age are in charge of the stores or the more likely scenario; I’m just noticing it more now because I’m actually paying attention and not just trying to find the chip aisle at a mad pace.

There were times where I would walk by the magazine section.  Maxim would obviously be sitting there for all to look at.  Growing up in a small town you couldn’t be caught with a Maxim in your hand at age 17.  You would get that look from a neighbor.  You know the look.  “Oh, my goodness.  What’s that Smith boy up to?  He probably smokes as well.  My Bobby would never be doing this.”  Meanwhile Bobby is beer touring with Big Willy on a side road out by Molesworth.

Molesworth is a small town going towards Wingham.  You knew when you hit Molesworth that you might as well shut your brain off for 30 minutes.  All there is to do is smell cow dung and look at farm animals.  That Adam Sandler stand up CD better be entertaining; because if not – I’m stopping at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way to Kincardine.

El Camino’s are half truck and half car.  Whoever invented this was a bold person.  You have to think that if this idea fails I’m getting fu**ing canned.

There are two stuffed animals in our apartment.  I always have them facing me while sitting on the couch.  When I’m eating something that I probably shouldn’t be I look around the room – the stuffed sheep especially has a judgmental face.  This will sometimes stop me from eating the food, but more than likely I will just turn the sheep around to face the wall.

I don’t trust adults that wear backpacks while walking out and about.  I find it odd that you have prepared for wherever you are going so much that you have a full backpack of supplies.

Supply teaching would be a tough gig.  No rapport with the students.  They have no idea who you are.  You are trying to pick up where Mrs. Henderson left off.  Tommy is going to try to figure out how to push your buttons.  Tammy is going to take her cellphone out and Snapchat somebody giving you the finger while you are writing on the chalkboard.  It’s a no-win situation in my mind.

Top 3 things that they will have to speed through during tonight’s Oscars to keep my attention.

1) Lifetime achievement award. Bringing some 90 year old dude that would probably rather be eating soda crackers on the couch with Myrtle. This is not his scene.  Just mail him the award.

2) Best short film. Yup, there will never be a time in my life that I will say to myself. Maybe I should search for these 20 minute films that were short-listed for the Oscars.

3) What they are wearing Oscars commentators. If you showed me a dress that came from Old Navy versus Jean-Francois Beaulivier’s studded dress (this is all made up… I think) with fabric that can only be found in Southern France – I couldn’t tell the difference.

Modeling for the Lifestyle Section of the KW Record

What the hell was I doing before Spotify Premium?  Going through album reviews on Pitchfork, word of mouth, and full blown research on bands.  If I worked that hard at keeping in shape I could be doing photo shoots for the Lifestyle section of the Kitchener Record.

The idea of the Sunshine Girl and Boy in the Toronto Sun is outrageous.  This alone should be enough to tell you whatever political party the Sun is voting for that you should not.

Trudeau can nearly do anything that he wants and I will never think that it’s that bad because of Trump.  It’s kind of like when you are in a group of friends and one of them is always high on meth, in jail, or constantly plastered – it really doesn’t matter what happens; you will always be the golden boy that the wives will be ok with their husbands hanging out with.

Top 3 ways to make me instantly sad

3. Prevent me from petting a dog at a party. I will generally sneak a few pets in without Sara looking. She is allergic to dogs.  I think I have said that I didn’t want to go to a party if I couldn’t pet the dog.  This was a low point of my life.

2. Ask me to help you move. There isn’t an activity that I hate more than moving. At the start it’s ok, but after 10 minutes I begin to detest the things in the boxes.  “Screw you plates.  Haven’t used any of you in like a year, and you are heavy.”

  1. Anything to do with heights. I walked over a bridge in Collingwood and was nervous.  Then a child that was about 4 was jumping up and down on the bridge (which had me grabbing the side).  Not my finest moment.

Many of you know that I’ve retired from DJ’ing.  I’m actually surprised it took me this long to do it.  Everything about it is against my personality.  Forced to play music that I detest, being stressed out due to being in charge of an important part of someone’s big day, and dealing with drunk women.  Let me explain the last part.  Now, not all women are like this, but a higher percentage than you think.  Here’s the general outline of the evening for this type of female.

6 pm – Third glass of wine goes down smoothly

6:47 pm – Starting to get sick of the dinner music (even though dinner is still happening)

7:32 pm – First gin goes down smooth (dessert is beginning to finish)

8:04 pm – Classic rock dance begins – what is this DJ doing? (Old people are still in attendance)

8:43 pm – I’m requesting songs – generally have a well thought out list at this point.  “Excuse me fine sir, do you take requests?  I believe these fine songs will get the crowd moving and shaking.”  I think to myself what a pleasant woman.

9:36 pm – “He’s only played one of the six that I requested.  What’s he doing up there?  Nobody cares about the Beatles.  Paul McCartney can go fu** himself.”

9:56 pm – Slams a third shot of tequila “woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

10:32 pm – “You know what I want to hear? (Stands there for a second. I can see the hard drive in her brain struggling to spin) Ummmmmm, I forget what it is.  I’ll be back.”

11:28 pm – Voice level has raised.  It’s mostly just yelling random words in my ear.  I can usually make out the song though. “Dog, drunk, these shoes hurt, it’s hot in here, Despacito, Despacito, Despacito,” I’m assuming you want to hear Despacito?

12:24 am – “What’s the fu**ing song that goes huuuuum, muuuuaaah, saaaaaaaa.  You know the one.  It’s always on the radio.  Fu*****************” (there are about 23 people remaining.  Mixture of the family that have to clean up after and a wasted group of friends)

1:03 am – As I’m beginning to wind down the end.  “PLAY BABY’S GOT BACK” (Aunt June looks at me with disapproving eyes.  Sorry June, I have to do what she says.  I’m afraid of her)

1:09 am – I clean up at a mad pace

Top 5 Albums of 2017

This was a tough year to do this.  The emergence of Spotify in my daily life has made it more difficult for the whole album experience.  Only through sheer will and might was it possible to create a top 5 like never before (I base this on nothing).

5.

Arbouretum – Song of the Rose

This is a back to basics rock band that relies heavily on the vocals of their lead singer Dave Heumann.  While listening to this entire album I envision Dave standing on a mountain top with his long wind blowing in the wind bellowing these beautiful medieval lyrics.  This type of music is such a rarity now.  Straight forward guitar chords and drum beats that wrap themselves around the lead singer of the band.  I could see this album coming out in the late 70’s and being the opening band for a Deep Purple concert.  It’s a refreshing take on a style of music that has nearly been long forgotten.  Slow grooves (Dead Meadow’esque) rock the rest of the album after Fall From an Eyrie which is the highlight of the album.  All in all it’s a wonderful rock and roll album that will have you giving a double take at the year that it actually came out.

4.

The War on Drugs – A Deeper Understanding

It’s difficult for me to even rank this album.  When a band comes out with maybe the album of the decade (Lost in the Dream) how do you follow that up?  Their approach for this record is simple.  It’s basically a spin off of the song “Under the Pressure” from the aforementioned album.  Each song is a wonderful medley of a mumbling Adam Grunduciel that is kind of a mix of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, and Bryan Adams.  The vibe of the band is still phenomenal, and their live show is even better.  This album is the kind of background music that you can throw and every person that experienced Woodstock or wanted to experience Woodstock will be head-bobbing asking who this band is.  There is absolutely no question about it – this is a throw back to blue collar 80’s rock and roll.  One thing is certain they have perfected the chill vibe – putting you at ease like a bed-time story – followed with a 3 minute guitar solo.  Pain is the song to hear – enjoy.

 

3.

Real Estate – In Mind

Why mess with something that works so beautifully?  Real Estate does not go off of the tracks often.  The gorgeous beach vibe chords meshed with a flowing soft voice – that has been their bread and butter since day one.  Their main function to you is to make you feel like life is going to be good to you.  There is not a care in the world when any Real Estate album.  As mentioned in years their sound feels like you cleaning up your house after a wonderful house party the next day.  Sun is shining, birds are chirping, and you are slightly fighting dehydration.  This album has kind of stuck with me since it’s release.  I wasn’t overly impressed at the beginning, but as with nearly every one of their previous records it begins to imprint itself onto your soul.  The modern day Beach Boys wouldn’t be a stretch here.  Darling is the song to focus on here.

 

2.

L.A. Witch – Self Titled

This band came out of nowhere.  Three early twenties women that have a sound that is so bloody cool.  Like a Tarantino movie if it was made into music.  Their lead singer/guitarist Sade Sanchez is an absolute presence in every regard.  Whether it be her garage rock style of guitar playing or her Janis Joplin type of raspy singing.  The band revolves around her completely.  There isn’t an album that I’ve played more this year.  Each week I would wait for another single from the album to come out and be amazed when it was just as good as the previous.  There isn’t any other way to put this – there isn’t a cooler band out there in the world than these three ladies.  Drive Your Car is the single that really gets this thing going.

 

1.

Beach Fossils – Somersault

Well, this was an unexpected surprise.  The boys from Beach Fossils were at one time Real Estate lite.  They  have grown into an absolute powerhouse of a band with the adding melody and multiple instruments.  They have always had a nice vibe to them.  An easy- to-listen to approach.  This album still has those components.  What it adds is more depth to the band.  Giving them a sustainability they may not have had before.  Flowing vocals, beautiful acoustics, and percussion’s that play with a sense of urgency that I had not heard previously.  This could be the start of something great if they are able to keep the momentum of this album going.  Looking forward to what’s next.  Be Nothing and Sugar are the best two songs of the album.

Anticipating 2017

I am not much for New Year Resolutions.  But, here’s a few things that I am going to attempt to curve or change for the upcoming year.

Limit my social media.  You would think that with the amount of things that are posted that you would actually learn something new or at least be able to have a chuckle at some thing.  This is not the case.  One thing is clear.  We find one topic and tear it apart until every single blade of the topic has been picked, and all that’s remaining is a wasteland of memes and wasted time.

Read more books.  There is so much good literature out there that nobody has ever heard of.  There isn’t a much more satisfying moment of setting that completed book down.  Hopefully this will equate to less of the above point.  This will require me to pay off my library fine unfortunately.  I feel that the library should send you a hand written letter when your book is super-overdue.  Also, if you are trying to right a wrong in retail; write a letter with pencil.  You will never see a company jump as quick as when head-office receives something written in pencil.

Look for more music.  There is quality music out there even if you don’t want to believe it.  Using Spotify and Apple Music has allowed me to find bands and solo artists that I never knew existed.  I am currently listening to Solange on Spotify, and it’s absolutely fantastic.  I know it’s extremely easy to get into that routine of only listening to what you know.  There are 75 radio stations that agree with you.  30 day challenge.  Find a solid album every 30 days, and post a review online about it.

See more live things.  Plays, music, stand up.  Need to support these artists.  There is so much talent out there, and they continue to struggle while fu**ing Chewbacca Mom becomes insta-famous.

Then there’s the obvious.  Eat healthier, hit the gym, less take out food.  This should always be a New Year goal for each and every person.

Stop eating those memberberries.  Reminiscing and focusing on when times were a certain way.  Brexit and Trump are both causes of memberberries.  People need to adjust to what the world creates.

Spend more face to face time with people.  Internet friends are cool, but nothing can replace the in person pint discussing what the Jays should do next with their ball club.

Try to only post original thoughts on Twitter and Facebook.  Need to keep this brain moving and shaking.  Can’t fall into the trap of complaining and trying to change every single thing that’s wrong with this world.

Farmers Market vegetables yo.  This is such an easy change.  There is a market that’s a 15 min walk from my place every Saturday morning.

Have a Happy New Year.

 

 

 

 

Challenging all People in Deck Shoes to a Duel.

I don’t DJ all that much now, but when I do I have to ask for help of what’s popular to dance to.  So…. Lady Gaga isn’t popular anymore?  What about Pearl Jam?  You don’t know who Pearl Jam is?  Well, let me show you Alive.  What do you mean this is terrible?

There isn’t a bone in my body that enjoys UFC.  It actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  They should have cute dogs barking at them while the neanderthals scrap.

It’s a well known fact that I am not good with children.  There is nothing to talk about with them.  But I did find out that telling them that they are a moron for thinking that The Secret Life of Pets is the best movie of the year is frowned upon.

Secret Life of Pets – 7.5/10

Rapping is extremely difficult.  Many times people have attempted it at karaoke, but most fail miserably.  Becoming out of breath by just talking seems like a waste of energy.

Tacos have become the new bacon.  I have grown tired of those memes.  Show me something original.  Medium sized white man wearing a pastel green shirt, asking for a box of gobstoppers for dinner.  It doesn’t make sense, but at least it’s original.

White Reebok shoes and a good pair of deck shoes would take you through a good 10 years of your life as a middle-aged man in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Foxy Hamilton is a good name for an Exotic Dancer or a Private Detective from Harlem in the late 70’s.

Purchased NHL 17 today.  There were two options.  The standard game for $49.99 or the game with the figurine of Vladimir Tarasenko for $49.99.  I stated that I would take the game with the action figure for $49.99.  I also stated that the action figure was for my nephew.  Then, I stated that I don’t know why I said that.  This was the end of this transaction.  A simple purchase that became horribly awkward by D Smith.

One thing that is probably a common saying in most people’s households today.  “Let’s have a burger tonight.  I am so fu**ing sick of turkey that I never want to eat it again.  Fu** you turkey.”  That might be a bit aggressive at the end, but at least the first part could be accurate.

Was never a huge fan of Toucan Sam.  Always thought his noise would find other cereals as well as Fruit Loops.  There many cereals that smell like sniffing a bag of sweet tarts.

There is an always an awkward time when people look around the room for the guy that was laughing when somebody got their head chopped of in a horror movie.  Sorry!  I don’t know why I find this humorous.

Top 3 Christmas moments if you received a horse as a gift.

  1. Pulling the horse along the icy sidewalk yesterday morning.  Oh, that would have been a treat.  “Come on Bucky, maybe you should have better shoes on?”
  2. Feeding the horse only Kraft Dinner to see what happens.
  3. Stating to people that you would like to challenge them to a duel while riding your horse triumphantly around Victoria St at 7am on Boxing Day morning.

 

 

 

Thoughts of a Childless, Middle-aged Man

I don’t have children.  I don’t want children.  I have no problem with children, and you may have as many as you like.

As a married 38 year old man I have had to answer this question constantly.  “Why don’t you have any children?”  I am sure this question has come up for Sara more often; when you have been married for a number of year’s people assume that there must be something wrong with either yourself or your spouse.  Some people are built to be mothers and fathers.  Enjoy every aspect of it.  And others *insert a picture of Sara and I giving the thumbs up* are not.

I am sure that this was a more difficult conversation decades ago.  Sara and I haven’t had that tough of a time with it.  Most people can see the type of personality that we have as a couple, and know that having a child would probably rip at every fabric that makes us tick.  The pressures seem to come mainly from a couple of different areas from me internally.  Needing somebody that I can live vicariously through, and needing somebody to carry on my name or legacy.

These are two things that can go in the nice to have category, but cannot be used to pull the trigger so to speak.  Sure, it would be great if I had a little boy that was instantly 12 years old and absolutely loved baseball, golf, and hockey.  Was a straight “A” student, extremely popular without being a douche, and went on to be successful in every single aspect of his entire life.  Just came straight out of the womb like that.  Sign me up for that exchange program.  Trading in Donald Trump for that scenario would be ideal.

There are other reasons why bearing children does not interest me.  I have no interest in raising anybody into this world that we have created.  It’s an utter mess.  Violence of course, but more importantly ignorance in both religion and global warming.  If you had a car with a tire that had a 3 inch hole in it and there were no other tires available.  Would you drive the car, and think to yourself “that hole won’t get any bigger.”  Or would you attempt to summon somebody from the sky that possibly doesn’t exist to give you a new tire.”  Or, the third option.  Give up a small amount of your empire to try to seal the hole in the tire?

As I grow older it’s strange.  You expect to have that moment when everything just clicks.  Knowing exactly what needs to be done to allow a 60 year old Daryl everything that he could possibly desire.  This moment hasn’t struck yet.  The set plan that I see on every Freedom 55 commercial is the following.  “Yeah, saving 25% of my $100,000/year job is easy.  Retirement is right around the corner.”  Unfortunately, many people are working multiple jobs to make ends meet for their $500,000 mortgage on that 2 bedroom bungalow that was half of that price 5 years ago.

There is another issue.  The rat-race is real when you get that first grown-man job.    Maybe it’s immaturity or maybe it’s boredom of the everyday.  I just don’t have a set schedule.  To come home every day and follow up on the latest seasons of the 9 different shows that I am currently watching sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.  And now that I have a 9-5 Monday-Friday grown up job I feel myself falling into this pattern.  It’s terrifying.  Is this the beginning of my middle-aged boredom?

What’s next?  Coming up on 40, don’t have kids to keep myself occupied.  Many of you that do have kids would just love a few hours of free-time.  Hearing a DINK (dual income no kids) describe his issues of having too much free time must really grind your gears.  Can you let me get back to my middle-aged whining now?  Geez, so selfish.   It’s the complete opposite side of the spectrum.  Sara and I are fairly active, but my tendency to not be able to relax can drive her crazy at times.  There are instances where I swear that she wishes that I had too much to drink the night before so my need for activities would slow down.

Even though I don’t have any answers whatsoever I still try new things out to fill the hole.   Is this the canyon that people constantly try to fill with children?  Maybe it is.  Some people fill it with alcohol or drugs.  Others fill it with sports and volunteering.  I don’t have a passion.  There are many things that I enjoy doing, and I feel that I am a well-rounded person – is there a pie chart of things that will keep me occupied and content?

Most of this is a ramble.  Confusion of a middle-aged, middle-classed, childless male that would like somebody to access his brain to create a calendar of events for the next 25 years of his life.  If I only had an extremely wonderful event planner that worked in that area of my brain.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.  This is one holiday that I absolutely adore.

Going Back in Time with Will Ferrell

Even as the words came out of my mouth I knew that they didn’t make any sense.  “I thought Sausage Party would be a little bit wittier and smarter.”  It’s called Sausage Party.  Why would I think that?

The golf clubs might be hung up for another year.  They went out with a high, and it’s very unlikely that they will strike the ball that well for the rest of the year.  It’s called the George Castanza. You go out on top, and don’t look back.  The high for me is shooting an 84.

If you uttered or thought the comment “was that on 9”; you have no shot in the stand-up comedy scene.  Any laugh that you receive on that joke is called a pity laugh, and most people hope that you go away after saying it.

I was notified today by Sara that there are people drilling holes in new iPhone 7 thinking that there headphones would work after this was done.  These people should be put down.

Trump and Hillary have a debate coming up this weekend.  The person on the news believes that Trump is more likely to say something that will hurt his chances than Hillary.  On the contrary.  He could state that blowing up the moon with laser cats is a good idea, and he wouldn’t lose one supporter.

Sausage Party – 5.6/10

Where has the smart humor gone?  There hasn’t been a solid comedy that has come out in a few years.  They actually usually coincide with the good of Will Ferrell and every time Wes Anderson releases a flick.

There is new music to talk about as well.  Have you been missing the sounds of Echo and the Bunnymen?  No, or never heard of them?  Well, move on.  If your answer was yes.  Then have a listen to the self-titled album by the Preoccupations.  It’s one of the first solid albums of 2016.

Our Lady Peace and I Mother Earth are playing Halloween night at Centre in the Square.  Rumors are that when the clock strikes 10pm on Halloween night with these two bands and their original line up together that every fan will be transported to a half-price flannel sale in 1995.

Sunday morning is excellent for banana pancakes and the largest coffee that you can possibly find.  You will have a weird sugar and caffeine high clutching your pro-line tickets watching the clock with anticipation until 1pm when football starts. You will then hit a wall at 1pm after you come down from the high, and probably have a nap at 1:47pm watching a scoreless Bills/Cardinals game.

I am debating buying goaltending equipment to begin to play hockey again.  Then I remember how much damn equipment that you need to be a goalie.  I also remember how much getting hit in the groin by a puck hurts.  You always have that guy that’s on your team in warmups that wants to show how hard his slap-shot is from the hash marks.  He never knows where it’s going, and his laugh is similar to a stoned Seth Rogen.  Even after saying all of this I have opened 3 Kijiji ads for hockey equipment.

As we watch the Blue Jays march towards that Wild Card Playoff game remember that getting to the playoffs is a fu**ing difficult thing to do as a mid-market team in the AL East.  Enjoy every moment of it.