Figure Four Leg Locks During the Holidays

The company had their work holiday party on Friday at Bingeman’s.  Later that evening we ended up at the Chainer (Chainsaw).  If you are not familiar with this bar it’s a place where you get every flavour of the human being in one place singing karaoke. There could be at any given time a 60-year-old man singing Britney Spears, to a 23-year-old playing pool against a 74-year-old war veteran, to a 45-year-old woman in a tracksuit that looked like she may have just gotten out of bed.  It’s always a good and weird time.

I’ve finally resolved the cheque and car issue. Here’s the final and maybe most painful exchange.  I think to myself that there’s no way this can end badly – finally having the documentation and cheque in hand.  The letter I received told me to go to a local Bank of Nova Scotia (I do this).

“Sir, did you purchase this car in British Columbia?”

(Trying not to laugh) “No, I purchased this car in Kitchener, Ontario”

“We can’t process this here to pay the loan off due to it being a BC loan”

“Ok (trying to stay calm), what needs to happen next?”

“We can send the paperwork off with the cheque and that will take care of the loan.”

“Great, do that… “I’m assuming that I’ll receive money back in the mail for the remaining amount I’m owed since this my loan is less than the value here?”

“I’m not sure if that’s how it works in this case. Maybe you should call the number on paper here”

“You mean the number for the Bank of Nova Scotia (the bank I’m currently in) to talk to an employee in British Columbia when I purchased and live in Ontario?”

“Yes”

“Ok…”

 

The whole Don Cherry thing makes me laugh.  This dude is going to do a podcast and be able to speak his mind on whatever topic he sees fit.  Think of it like this… When you watch shows on cable TV they have to walk every single line possible to not offend anyone (whether or not you agree with this it doesn’t matter – it’s the way it is).  This is one of the many reasons why cable TV sucks.  When a show moves to HBO or Netflix they can (practically) do whatever they want.  If you agree or don’t agree with his points of view he will not be (as) filtered with whatever he decides to do next.  I also bet that he won’t be nearly as entertaining because of this.  Half of his shtick was that he was able to get away with saying things that nobody else would dare to say.  This made watching him entertaining in a cable TV environment.

If you want to feel like an idiot attempt an Adventure Room with the level set to difficult.  I’d still be in there from 3 months ago if it wasn’t a game.  Who the fu** knows to breathe on the mirrors?  Screw you Adventure Room.

Figure four leg locks hurt.  As a child, my brother put me into one at the age of 6.  This went on for at least 3 minutes longer than it should of.  I still don’t know what could have possibly got me into this situation.  Just reading a Dr Seuss book – turning to page 5 then being ripped off of the couch and thrown into a wrestling move was an average Wednesday afternoon in Listowel, Ontario.

When banks see weird activity on your account they will put a hold on your card.  This happened recently to me.  When calling in their second question was what I purchased last Thursday afternoon worth $23.56.  What kind of question is this?  I felt like asking if I should take a stab at it (sounds like a lunch type purchase).  I’d have a better shot at Flyers trivia.  Give me a question like what was the worst Flyers signing in the history of their franchise (Ilya Bryzgalov)?

Top 3 most memorable holiday retail moments:

3) After a busy day at work one of the managers comes out and tells me to check the guy’s washroom (with a huge grin on his face).  This is not a good way to start a conversation.  I walk in and everything seems normal – until I check the urinal.  Somebody decided to go number 2 in the urinal… Really felt bad for the cleaning people that evening.

2) (Told by the GM of the store) older gentleman walks up to our GM of the store and asks where these arrows are taking him?  GM is extremely confused by this question and asks what arrows? The dude was pointing to the fast forward symbols (Future Shop’s logo) asking him where they led.  He was just walking in circles in the store…

1) A girl walks into the store with 4 huge bags of clothes (this is already on the radar for theft – who doesn’t leave giant bags of clothes in their car when purchasing a computer).  She asks for a Mac – asking zero questions.  I decide to have some fun with this.  “Are you sure you don’t want this $3k one instead?” Agreeing to take the higher end one I begin to fake put the purchase through.  “Oh shoot, I have to call for authorization – I’m going to take your card to the back.”  As I sit there and pretend that I’m doing this we have a camera and we can see this girl beginning to freak out as she’s pacing in front of the counter.  I then ask her for ID trying not to grin (we called the police already).  “Why do you need my ID,” she asks angrily.  “Because you have a stolen credit card and are attempting to purchase a $3k MacBook without asking a single question you dipshit.” (I didn’t say any of that).  She took off right after that and I won an award basically for not being an idiot.

Eating Christmas Cake While Attending Rib Fest

You always think that going to a classic car show is going to be an exciting adventure.  There will be all of these old-school automobiles.  Maybe I could look at the engine of one?  My interest will begin to peak.  This will result in looking into some automobiles on the internet – learning the amount of horsepower that the GM Rocket ’74 with bucket seats that have one single seatbelt that goes throughout the whole vehicle.  None of this happens.  I usually just end up with BBQ sauce spilled on my shirt from some mediocre pulled pork sandwich and a sunburn.  I’m happy that my brain didn’t open up to the idea of fantasizing about machines.

Since I was a minimum of 18 years old I’ve had internal conversations with myself of how much I would pay if I could snap my fingers and be on the couch in certain situations.  Fairly certain that I’ve gone as high as 5 grand. This happened one day driving back from Ottawa the morning after a Flyers 6-1 playoff loss in a car full of goons that all had minimum 22 draft beers each.

I’m really not sure where your brain goes during trips of a certain length.  It’s fairly similar to when Homer’s brain leaves him after he makes a terrible decision and his body just goes on autopilot.  Sitting on a plane for more than 12 hours I begin to go insane.  “No, I don’t want to watch Dr. Strange again.  I’m going to try to sleep with my upper body completely vertical.  Oh, my neck is snapped ahead and I’ve drooled on the floor – ok, good!  Maybe I will listen to a podcast about the reason that dirt is the colour brown.  How much longer until we get there?  9 hours! Where are the sleeping drugs?”

My old man used to play slopitch for a team in Listowel.  After the majority of the games, we would go back to his team-mates place that had a pool and go for a swim.  This house also had a hot tub which was great.  The Smith boys gained a reputation for eating the majority of the chips.  I’ve only witnessed my old man getting frustrated one time.  Somebody splashed water from the hot tub and it went into a bowl of the ketchup chips.  The Smith family piled into the car and went home within the next 17 minutes.

Everyone knew a kid that their eyes would look like a zombie from too much chlorine.  Dean, you need to shut your eyes when you go underwater.  Also, why are you going under water in a hot tub – this is a terrible decision.  They would bash their knee off of the stairs due to being fired up in the hot tub.  This would cause tears and then Daryl would also have to exit the hot tub.

There is an antibiotic that helps with chest congestion that also can cause Achilles tendon ruptures if you run too quickly.  Rarely am I ever in a situation that I am in full out sprint mode, but if I ruptured my Achilles Tendon playing “F” league slo-pitch I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

Rib Fest is currently happening in Kitchener.  This is the prototypical event where you go in red hot.  Grab a full plate of ribs, 4 tiny beers (fu**ing hate their stupid cups), giant turkey leg, and 37 napkins.   You grab a table with 7 strangers and begin to go to work.  After 9 minutes you begin to hear a weird gurgle in your stomach.  Shrugging it off as maybe you are still hungry you move on.  Then the sweats begin to occur.  It doesn’t seem to be that hot.  My sweat also has a somewhat weird odor.  You spent $40.00 on this food and drink – you need to continue on.  Three-quarters of the way through the meal you notice that one of the buttons on your shirt has come undone.  It’s time to stop.  As you get up from the picnic table you slowly wander toward the exit with both hands on your stomach hoping that this will magically heal your angry body.  This is when you think to yourself – what a great Rib Fest, I can’t wait until next year.

Top 3 weird things served with Christmas dinner or around Christmas time.

3) Jello – it runs all over the place when put with hot food. Red mashed potatoes do not look that appetizing.

2) All of those giant nuts – You have to get the nutcracker out only once a year.  Make a giant mess and it’s extremely loud.  Grandpa shoots you that stare as he’s trying to watch the news.  “Kid stop eating walnuts.  I’m trying to watch the highlights of the parade down main street.”

1) Christmas Cake – it’s the absolute worst.  Let’s make the shi*iest cake (let’s add weird dried fruit to it as well to make it even worse) and serve during the best holiday.

Professor X Searching for Fashion on Victoria St in Kitchener

It’s been a while since I have attempted to access the part of my brain that requires thoughts and wisdom.  I feel like Professor Xavier going into Cerebro looking for his mutants.  Only this time I am looking for my mutants that enjoy this type of writing.  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

If Billy Joel asked me to go for a coffee at a Tim Horton’s that was 3 blocks away I don’t think I would go.  The only thing that I might mention while sipping on my coffee that I wish was a bit cooler so I could leave quicker would be “So, Piano Man is an ok song.  Probably in my top 1000 songs of all-time.”

Has anybody ever asked for a dog that doesn’t poop?  That is the biggest downfall with owning a pet.  Why can’t they just have their waste go through their skin like a shark?  I have tasted fermented shark in Iceland.  It tastes exactly like what you would assume pee would taste like.  It also got stuck in between two of my teeth so the supposed taste of pee was in stuck in between my teeth for two hours.  Now that’s insanity.

Sara cut her hike on the Sunshine Coast Trail short due to stepping on hornets nest.  She described the event as apocalyptic in nature, and just like if the apocalypse were to happen today; she continued to look for her phone that she dropped while hornets stung her.

Going to see Rodriguez tonight at Centre in the Square.  The show is sold out, if you still haven’t watched the documentary “Searching for Sugar Man” – watch it this weekend.

Sometimes I drive by certain retail stores in strip malls and wonder if they have even seen a customer for the past week?  New York Fashion on Victoria is right beside an emissions test place and a body shop for cars place.  Just want to open up the door and yell “why did you think this was a good idea?”

NFL season has started up.  Other-wise known as a gambling man’s wet dream.  I feel as though the sales of salsa and French onion dip sky-rocket at this time of year.   There is nothing better than drowsing off with your hand slightly in a bag of Ruffles regular chips and your team up by 14 points with 3 minutes to go in a game.

There was a very strange/short time of people deciding to smoke tobacco vapes indoors, and people allowing it.   Non-smokers went through emotions of we know this is wrong, should we say something, is it even illegal, and what the hell is going on?

When you travel are you looking for different looking rocks on the beach and bringing them home?  What are you doing with these rocks?  People will show me these rocks, and my first instinct is to chuck it into the ocean, and call them an idiot.  Sorry, I know it’s a bit harsh, but you are being an idiot.

After I pass away it seems like a cool idea of having my ashes planted with a tree.  The trees best traits would be to grow extremely slowly, and have multiple comfortable places to sit.  It would also have an unusually cold hole that you could store refreshments.

Sing Street – 8.8/10

Captain America:  Civil War – 6.4/10

Jungle Book – 9.1/10

Marvel has this down to a science.  Just roll out that mathematical equation of different characters and vomit of ridiculous action that people can stuff their face full of popcorn muttering to themselves “this is so cool.”

Our neighbor is a middle-aged white man that is constantly standing on the side walk with no shirt on constantly smoking a cigarette.  Sometimes he is talking to somebody or himself.  I am not sure there is a possible situation that you could be less productive than this man.

Spirit of the West Bobbleheads Available Out-West

Went to something extremely unique last night.  The National, Hayden, Kevin Drew (Broken Social Scene), and members from the Arkells played in a local church in Hamilton.  All proceeds went to helping Syrian refugees.  Not only was it one of the most intimate shows, but extremely emotional.  Hayden playing an acoustic version of Ahead by a Century almost brought the house down.  Seeing a big band in a small venue is the reason that you see live music.

Radiohead – Moon Shaped Pool – 8.9/10

Any music lover knows that Radiohead is adored by the masses in the indie rock world.  But, I put it similarly to Wes Anderson.  When you knock every single God damn thing that you do out of the park you should be worshipped by everybody that’s cool.

There is only one job that I am capable of handling while wearing a construction outfit – sign twirler.  Unless you count that summer that I want on tour with a YMCA tribute band.  That was rough times.  Playing retirement homes for Swedish mints, and candy that is all stuck together.

Blue Jays are playing some great baseball right now.  Anybody want to still sign Price instead of Happ and Estrada for 5 million dollars more a season, and for 4 more years?  Bueller, Bueller, White, Antholopous.

Bobblehead day at the Jays game was nearly disastrous.  Showed up at around the 10am time frame.  Waited in line for about an hour to receive the bobblehead.  Take it out of the packaging to take a picture with it (just want to make sure that everybody knows all of the awesome things that I am doing 24/7.  Even sleeping soundly I set up my phone to take a picture when I am in my deepest of sleep.  Look how awesome I am sleeping is the hashtag) Bautista and company fall to the floor and smash in 4 separate pieces.  I react very slowly.  Then Sara comes up with a brilliant plan.  It came out of the packaging like that.  As I tell the staff person my story, she gives me the “I know what you did” look and hands me another bobblehead.

Pet peeve #29.  Going through the drive-thru with somebody to grab breakfast, and they don’t know what they want to drink by the time the microphone person speaks up.  Drive-thru isn’t the himming and hawing area.  Go stand with Gord and Rose to talk about the shrubs inside of the restaurant if you are going to pull this nonsense.

The Path is a decent show.  It stars Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad and is about a cult.  Starts great, then lulls, but then hits hard near the end again.

I know that British Columbia is a beautiful place, but I find it funny that Canadians are so in love with the idea of “out-west”.  It’s the California of Canada.  Everything is just going to come together out-west.  Sitting on the edge of those Rockies – I will understand the meaning of life, but only out-west.  What should really be said? Everything is going to come together up-north.  You realize who you are when it’s been dark outside for 20 consecutive hours.

Top 3 things that happen at buck and doe’s (also known as stag and doe’s to people in the city) that people don’t know about

3 – Spirit of the West is only appreciated at exactly 12:59am.  If you play any-time before this you will be mocked.

2 – Flirting with the DJ while attempting to get your song played will not work.  You have “woooooood” 3 times, accidentally spit while you were talking twice, and nearly tripped on cables once.  Also, you requested a song that you don’t know the name to, and only know that the person’s name starts with “T”.

1 – Bringing the DJ drinks works every single fu**ing time

The No Hitter

Looking out the window after a long hard day of his one and only class of Children’s Literature.  Smith thought to himself there is no way that they are going to be playing ball tonight.  Looks like rain, and that’s a mighty drive to Kincardine.  Just thinking about that beautiful cold case of Budweiser in the Admiral fridge from 1955 that was in the basement was almost enough for him to say forget it.

Then a small break in the clouds became a bit larger.  Hopping in the Eighty-Eight Oldsmobile. *before we move on here I would like to state that this is a stupid name for a car.  Especially if it’s not made in 1988.  It is very confusing.* Smith didn’t know what was about to be bestowed upon him.   On the way to the game you could feel something magical in the air, and it wasn’t passing by the KFC in Wingham.

Arriving at the game you saw the usual suspects hanging around their cars having beers and smokes.  None of them were fans, these were players.  After exchanging our usual high-fives and jokes about other team-mates mothers, we decided to get to work.  Even during the warm up I could feel the lucid delivery of a sharp lefthander.  Like a young David Wells getting to work.  Our catcher came up to me after the warm up and stated the following.  “Fuck Hencey, your breaking ball is fucking sharp.”  *Hencey was a former nickname of mine.  It basically means slow because of alcohol or drug use*

During the first couple of innings of this game, everything was moving fairly normal.  Smith was chuckin’ at a smooth 58mph.  Curve ball was looping, legs were flailing, and everything was working.  The third inning came around, and Smith was losing his control a little bit.  That’s when he noticed something.  The umpire was drunk.  He was calling strikes that were 3 to 4 inches inside or outside.  That’s when a lean lefty capitalized.  Two-two was locked in.  He pounded that zone for two straight innings.  Kincardine hitters had nothing to hit, and could do absolutely zero about it.

Fifth inning rolls around.  The umpire sadly has sobered up.  Hencey had to start pitching again.  Locking back in, he started to feel a bit of an uneasiness.  The curveball wasn’t quite as sharp, and he was going deeper into counts.  This is when the perfect game was lost.  Walking a batter with two out, and then having a screamer caught by the short-stop was the way that this inning ended.  Needing to relax, Smith goes up into the stands.  He pulls out an Export “A” ultra-lite to relieve the stress.  The Legionnaires put up a four spot that inning.  They developed a big lead.  All that needed to be done was to pitch another two innings.  At this point Kincardine realized that they were being no-hit.  It was time to bear down.

Sixth inning is where the magic started.  One out walk, and then a 3-2 count against their cleanup hitter.  He steps into a full-count offering.  Drills one right at the shins, Smith contorts his body in a way that has never been seen before and manages to catch the line drive between his legs on the back hand.  Falling down he noticed that the runner is well off the bag at first base.  Attempting to pick him off while doing an army roll….. The ball goes into the first base foul area about 10 feet away from the first baseman.  But what an effort.  Smith gets out of the inning unscathed.

7th inning.  The fog had rolled in from the lake.  Smith strikes out the first two batters on greasy curveballs.  Kincardine is down to their final out.  You can barely see in the sky anymore, the fog is unbearable.  This last batter needs to be k’d or it could be trouble.  54mph fastball is popped up on the infield.  Nobody can see it.  There’s chaos, then all of a sudden the first-baseman is screaming “GOT IT, GOT IT!” The ball lands safely in his glove.  Pandemonium breaks loose on the field.  After the hand-shakes at the conclusion of the game, venturing back to the parking lot, and lighting a few smokes; everybody knew that this day was going to go down in history as the greatest day in Legionnaire history.

The catcher walks up to Smith and asks. “Hencey what the fuck are we doing now?” Smith smirks and says “Let’s have 3 cheeseburgers from mickey d’s, and fuck off back to MoDean’s.”