Ghostbusters All-Dog Cast

There is something about going through a food lineup with a rectangular designed dinner plate that makes you feel like you did something wrong.

One of my unknown talents is that I can swallow about 6 pills at once. This talent is only useful as a 75 year old man or at an Armin Van Buren show.

I picked up dry cleaning like an adult yesterday. “Yes, yes, I am very important. Give me that suit. Business stuff going on. Did you get that chocolate stain out? I was eating a drumstick at an undesirable temperature.”

Adventure’s Guild in Kitchener is fantastic. Nearly every board game that I have ever heard of is available. Learning how to play a new board game when nobody in the group has ever played it before is always the same. You look around the group hoping somebody that is nodding that they actually understand the rules is just lying, and is secretly just as slow as you are.

Watched Little Shop of Horrors in St. Jacobs this past Thursday. It was incredible. Especially the sets. The dinner that was included was at the Stone Crock in St. Jacobs. Not incredible. It felt like I was eating food after I was awoken from the Matrix. Is there supposed to be flavor? They almost blew our minds when they attempted to serve us coffee at the beginning of the meal. It was all very confusing.

While waiting at red lights I watch Pedestrians as they cross the street to see if any of them stumble a little just to watch their reaction. They either play it cool, and act like nothing happened, or they go back to the part of the road that was the culprit, kick it to the point of satisfaction that nobody else will ever trip on it again. Either way – we in the cars know, and we enjoyed watching it happen.

I believe in some things that hippy-ish. Like, leaving a smaller footprint. Trying to use less resources. Living a simple life. Until, the mention of not even needing doctors. You can heal everything naturally. Yup, you had me until you mentioned Aliens Scientologists.

**Before people become offended and begin to write things on my Facebook defending Mother Nature’s cures for all. Know that this is a comedy blog, and I have discussed Hamburger Helper becoming a person, and using ketchup as a weapon**

Sara and I know for a fact that all plants are killable. “Sun and water? What about just air?”

Did you know lip chap only has that tingly feeling on your lips to make you think that it’s working? It does nothing for you. What’s next, Tang isn’t oranges just made into powder?
In I want to throw my brain off of a bridge because the TV is so bad news. 11 shows from the CW have been renewed.

Don’t know if anybody was keeping track, but I was 3 for 4 on my Oscar picks that were posted. I always feel like after I say anything like this that a child with snot running down his nose is going to put his hand up.

Ghostbusters 2 has an all-female cast. Put up your hands if you don’t care that it’s all-female. Keep your hands up if you know that they are going to remake these movies over and over again with males and females. Again keep your hands up if you could care less if it was an all-dog cast, and their barks were lasers that captured the ghosts into their mouths and they said “nummy” in a comedic way after they finished devouring the ghost.

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John Scott feeling manly in Morocco

I went to see Black Sabbath 17 or 18 years ago when I was in college. I remember thinking then that this is going to be the last time that I see them, and Ozzy is surely going to die within the next 5-10 years. They are still going. They performed brilliantly in Hamilton recently. 8.3/10

Sara and I were in Morocco. If you ever want to see somebody stick out as a tourist, just watch me in my bright blue Jays cap attempt to weave through the streets of Marakeesh trying to go unnoticed. “What me a tourist. Oh I would love some tea in your carpet shop. What a nice guy.”

The Oscars are tomorrow. Leo will finally win his best actor award. And some bloggers will lose exactly 16% of their blogging material.

Why do people clap after the plane lands? The other option is crashing and dying. Denzel can fly one of these things wasted. Can’t be that difficult.

I went searching on the internet for what ISIS actually wants. Don’t bother, it’s just as crazy as you think it is.

Watched an episode of Fuller House. Uncomfortable grown up jokes, and one of the creepiest scenes of the whole gang recreating a scene of singing “Meet the Flinstones” to cheer up a cranky child. If you decide to delve into this madness you will never forget it and it will haunt your subconscious for days to come.

Dave Coulier is awful. Kanye and Dave should have a wrestling match. Winner gets to relocate with the Kardashian’s to the Arctic. Loser has to relocate with Alanis Morrisette to Antarctica. Either way Dave Coulier is screwed.

Have you ever been to a hotel before that is too hip for you? This happened to me in Paris. Everything was controlled by a tablet, and the check in was a self-check in. If the IKEA store turned into a person and created a hotel this is what it would create.

When you are in an airport for an extremely long time you begin to have arch-nemesis’ while there. Two ladies felt the wrath of my imagination after sneaking their way to the front of the line with their extremely excessive back packs.

How do we genetically make rabbits that enjoy cuddling? Is there a pill that we can give them? Maybe it’s a mix of MDMA and Heroin? Who is on this experiment? Sounds like money well spent.

John Scott is a man. He has all of the appearances of a full grown man. If you were to put him side by side beside me there is no way that people would think that I was older. I am 10 years older than this man. If we each got one punch. I am pretty sure that I would break my hand. I would also be concerned that I would be in the hospital for multiple days after receiving his punch.

Sometimes I hate alga-rhythms. After searching for Buffalo hotels to stay in after seeing Kurt Vile, I am then reminded multiple times that I am going to Buffalo.

Camels are not comfortable. Straddling a giant creature that is constantly itchy is slightly terrifying.

Top 3 ways to make people uncomfortable while they are throwing a house party.

3 – Start rummaging through their cupboards. Finding odd things and putting them on the counter. Premium Plus crackers check, Tylenol check, chocolate chip cookie mix check. Then just leave them on the counter and leave the room.

2 – Suggest doing shots at two in the afternoon.

1 – Start doing chores around their house for no reason. People get really upset if they think you think that their house is dirty.

Sasquatches: Alive and well in Buffalo

I really like Spotify. Unfortunately I don’t like anybody else’s taste in music. So I create my own Spotify list because my musical taste is unique. Be like Daryl’s stick figure.

Over the next 5 years or so we are going to see many retailers close their doors. Here are some words of advice to people that are working at those suffering retail shops. Begin networking. It’s an extremely tough job market out there. It’s rare to find a decent job unless you know somebody on the inside.

Attempted to watch Sisters yesterday. Do Tina Fey and Amy Poehler get passes on movies based on who they are? I feel like a secret society is going to come after you if you criticize their work. I could only take about 30 min of that movie. It was awful.

Do you ever think that if people just didn’t believe in an after-life that it would solve many of the world’s issues? I bet you people don’t blow themselves up if there is no paradise in their future.

Kurt Vile is playing in Buffalo in March, but not Toronto. Here is the pros and cons. Pro – Get to see Kurt Vile. Con – Everything else.

I prefer when the Leaf fans expect their team to be decent, but end up disappointing them terribly. Listening to Joe Bowen’s heart break through a television broadcast is oddly satisfying.

Stanford Prison Experiment – 8.0/10

If I had won Lotto Max this past week I would put it all on Leonardo DiCaprio to win best actor at the Oscars.

There are many of my friends that post pictures of delicious food posts on Instagram. I may press like on the picture, but it’s more of a jealous like than anything else. You are the Tom Brady of the social media world. I respect what you have made, but that’s not going to get me any of your delicious breakfast.

One of the things that I like to tell people that have cable still is that you will no longer watch as much TV when you have to constantly think about what to watch. You feel great about not wasting time watching some Harry Potter movie that you have watched parts of on 7 different occasions. Instead, I can scroll through my Facebook feed and see why I should be like Bob. Damn it!

Sara and I ventured to Toronto yesterday to go to the Travel show. Sara tried to convince me throughout the day that we were there for other reasons other than trying to win a trip. We were there just to win a trip.

This year is the 10th anniversary of being diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. You get no anniversary present Mr. Colitis because you are a pain in the a** (pun intended)!

I really enjoy Spotify. Except when I am in the zone with an album, and a commercial comes on with some pop-punk music with people falling off skateboards. It’s only a matter of time before “Ow my balls” becomes a real show.

Top 3 things that happened during my winter camping experience that made me realize that winter camping wasn’t for me.

3 – With 2 miles left before the shelter I laid down on some snowmobile tracks and said that I could go no further.
2 – Mistaking many trees for the heads of bears, and yelling get out of here bear to a piece of wood.
1 – Hearing sasquatch communicating calls during the night. As we all know, sasquatches are deceptively sneaky.

It would be terrible being a doctor in 1800’s. I feel like you were just taking a guess nearly every time you saw something that you hadn’t seen before. I guess if you hadn’t seen it before you could also just blame the devil.

Stepping on kid’s toys in the night is in the top 20 reasons why I do not wish to have children. Number one reason is that I always thought it would be good to adopt an 18 year old kid so I would have somebody to drink and play golf with when I got older. This seemed like a bad reason to have a child.

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Playing Trivial Pursuit with Leo DiCaprio at the Oscars.

DiCaprio is finally going to win his Oscar. Most people have to just act really well to win their Oscar. DiCaprio has to go through pain and torture to win his. The dude ate a real bison liver in the Revenant. If this doesn’t get the award for him, he will be considered the Pete Rose of the entertainment world. Except he did nothing wrong and makes fantastic films. Just like Pete Rose?

It’s going to be very strange when Keith Richards actually passes away. How will the internet react?

The Big Short – 9.3/10
The Revenant – 8.6/10
Star Wars – The Force Awakens – 9.1/10
Brooklyn – 8.5/10

I went into the new Star Wars with zero expectations. Expecting to have the same feeling after eating a slightly burnt piece of toast with an Our Compliments strawberry jam spread over it. But, and to my chagrin, it is excellent. Only complaint – they didn’t stray far enough away from the original storyline.

Another thing, what is the courteous amount of time that you can post spoilers online without being crucified? I think you can give it two weeks. That’s similar to getting angry at somebody for finishing the chips and dip after two weeks. “I didn’t even get any of that dip man. I had Making a Murderer all queued up. And you ate all of the dip. Sure, there are two scrapings left, but my chip broke off and now I can’t access it unless I use my finger. You ruined the night Rick. You inconsiderate bastard.”

Canadian Dollar problems? Well, maybe we shouldn’t have put the whole country’s future in the stock of oil. We should have started growing more cauliflower.

It’s not the fact that so many celebrities are passing away. It’s the amount of cool ones that are dying which is concerning.

Justin Bieber’s new album isn’t that (while sighing very loudly) bad.

This is one of the few years that I have actually watched every single best picture nominee. Each one of the films deserves to be on the shortlist. Here are my predictions.

Best Picture – Spotlight
Best Actor – Leo DiCaprio – The Revenant
Best Actress – Brie Larson – Room
Best Supporting Actor – Sylvester Stallone – Creed
Best Supporting Actress – Jennifer Jason Leigh – Hateful Eight
Best Director – Alejandro González Iñárritu – The Revanant

I felt so guilty about watching Doctor Who without Sara that I had to tell her right away. I also felt the need to buy her dinner. I then told her that she could watch Law and Order SVU anytime without me. She told me that wasn’t the same. And she was right.

My head is still spinning from watching the Green Bay/Arizona game last night. Throwing a football 65 yards off of your back foot and across your body with that type of accuracy is something that you can only appreciate if you have every played… Well anything! Do you know how fu**ing hard that is to do?

The power went out at the Aud while at the Rangers game this past Friday. People screamed right off the bat, and then the cell phones all lit up. You could have probably played the rest of the game with the light off each person’s phone. So much easier to hold up then a lit lighter as well. “How much longer is this song? My thumb has been burnt 3 times.”

Just to reiterate the point again. Listen to the new David Bowie album. Creating an album of this magnitude while battling a life threatening disease isn’t something that happens every day.

We all wish that Caesar Salad was healthier than it actually is. We mutter to ourselves that we are making the better choice. But we all know the truth. It’s the diet coke of salads.

The way that you get out of being asked to play pick-up basketball is to tell them that you don’t know how to dribble, don’t play any defence, and only shoot 3’s. If you still get asked, then you just continue to say “Game… Blouses!” after every basket regardless of who scored.

Top 3 things that are said while playing Trivial Pursuit with anybody

3 – You only know that answer because you are old.
2 – You always get the easy questions. This is bullsh**.
1 – Let’s play Monopoly and see what happens.