PS4

Being Pet Like a Dog in a Tent at a Music Festival

Posted on by Hosehead

I’ve felt fairly lazy over the last few days.  This really came to the forefront when the PS4 controller was plugging into charge – I searched the app store to find a way to use the PS4 from my phone.  By the end of this journey on the phone I ended up looking at dogs wearing capes (47 min had passed).

Today is fairly miserable out in regards to weather.  It’s one of those days that you throw a documentary on about the reason fluoride doesn’t seem to be used at dentist offices anymore.

There are some stats out there that say being a dentist has one of the highest rates of depression.  Is there any logic behind this?  My dentist seems to be happy.  He does seem to enjoy sticking needles into my mouth though.  Even though I have those weird shades on, I can still see this massive needle you bastard.  Stop smiling when I’m gripping the sides of the chair.  Don’t scream “woooooo” while yanking out a wisdom tooth.

I once owned a top hat.  That might have been the worst purchase of my career as a human.  Not many people can pull it off.  Especially when you aren’t wearing a full tuxedo.  Going out in an Aaron Rodgers jersey with a top hat is not a good look.  One of two things is going to happen.  People at the pub think that you’ve lost a bet or that you are just an idiot.  No one says “oh that guy is edgy – maybe I should talk to him”.

Bingeman’s just had their annual EDM Festival.  23 kids were sent to hospital with potential drug over doses.  What happened to the days of just sitting in the lawn chair high on weed?  The only chance of an overdose is on Nacho Cheese Doritos.  It did always start the same way at these festivals.

“I’m going to see every band possible.”

“This chair is very comfortable”

“I’m feeling a bit bloated from the 9 hotdogs and 17 Budweiser’s that I’ve had”

‘The attempt to get off of the chair – only to lose your balance and sit right back down (this also includes a somewhat concerned, but also humorous expression on your face)

“This band only has a couple of good songs.  Think I’m good right here.”

“I was just resting my eyes – I’m fine”

“Who has Red Bull?  You can mix that with booze and your fine right?  I went to a doctor once and he mentioned that my heart was strong enough to handle that (this was a lie).”

“This day was amazing.  I can’t wait to do this for three days in a row.”

The tent is so gross at a festival.  You wake up in the morning slightly sweaty and dehydrated.  As you search around for your glasses you notice that your beer has spilled in the corner of the tent.  Somehow there is a dog sleeping at one corner of the tent.  You think to yourself – I don’t own a dog.  There’s a small pile of dirt that looks purposefully put there, and there are at minimum three mosquitos that have had a feast on your boozy body.  You don’t know where your shades are so zip open the tent like a vampire with your eyes open as small as they can go while still being able to see.  Wandering around without any real purpose other than to find some type of liquid substance that isn’t alcohol.  Finally locate a Gatorade – you prop yourself down onto the slightly dangerous picnic table (nails sticking out).  This is the moment every festival goer says to themselves “Why do I do this to myself?”

Gatorade is in kind of a strange situation.  It’s meant to be a sport drink, but 93% of the purchases are by hungover human beings.  They must be thinking to themselves – well this really worked out.

Top 3 weird things that happen on our trip to Asia (this is not a recent trip)

3)  Being pet on the head like a dog while squished on a bus in Beijing.  I wouldn’t say there is anything unique about my appearance, but this man wanted to make sure my hair was real?

2) Only men dance in Vietnam.  Dancing closer than I’m generally comfortable with 3 tiny Vietnamese men to Asian pop music.  Women were all in the back having a conversation.

1)  Playing the noodles or intestines game in Japan.  Many of the restaurants have a vending machine that you grab a ticket from and take it to a person.  The only way that you have any clue of what’s in the bowl is by this tiny picture that looks exactly the same as every other tiny picture.  Then a bowl of something arrives at your table.  I’m fairly certain I was 50/50 on wins and losses.

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Challenging all People in Deck Shoes to a Duel.

Posted on by Hosehead

I don’t DJ all that much now, but when I do I have to ask for help of what’s popular to dance to.  So…. Lady Gaga isn’t popular anymore?  What about Pearl Jam?  You don’t know who Pearl Jam is?  Well, let me show you Alive.  What do you mean this is terrible?

There isn’t a bone in my body that enjoys UFC.  It actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  They should have cute dogs barking at them while the neanderthals scrap.

It’s a well known fact that I am not good with children.  There is nothing to talk about with them.  But I did find out that telling them that they are a moron for thinking that The Secret Life of Pets is the best movie of the year is frowned upon.

Secret Life of Pets – 7.5/10

Rapping is extremely difficult.  Many times people have attempted it at karaoke, but most fail miserably.  Becoming out of breath by just talking seems like a waste of energy.

Tacos have become the new bacon.  I have grown tired of those memes.  Show me something original.  Medium sized white man wearing a pastel green shirt, asking for a box of gobstoppers for dinner.  It doesn’t make sense, but at least it’s original.

White Reebok shoes and a good pair of deck shoes would take you through a good 10 years of your life as a middle-aged man in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Foxy Hamilton is a good name for an Exotic Dancer or a Private Detective from Harlem in the late 70’s.

Purchased NHL 17 today.  There were two options.  The standard game for $49.99 or the game with the figurine of Vladimir Tarasenko for $49.99.  I stated that I would take the game with the action figure for $49.99.  I also stated that the action figure was for my nephew.  Then, I stated that I don’t know why I said that.  This was the end of this transaction.  A simple purchase that became horribly awkward by D Smith.

One thing that is probably a common saying in most people’s households today.  “Let’s have a burger tonight.  I am so fu**ing sick of turkey that I never want to eat it again.  Fu** you turkey.”  That might be a bit aggressive at the end, but at least the first part could be accurate.

Was never a huge fan of Toucan Sam.  Always thought his noise would find other cereals as well as Fruit Loops.  There many cereals that smell like sniffing a bag of sweet tarts.

There is an always an awkward time when people look around the room for the guy that was laughing when somebody got their head chopped of in a horror movie.  Sorry!  I don’t know why I find this humorous.

Top 3 Christmas moments if you received a horse as a gift.

  1. Pulling the horse along the icy sidewalk yesterday morning.  Oh, that would have been a treat.  “Come on Bucky, maybe you should have better shoes on?”
  2. Feeding the horse only Kraft Dinner to see what happens.
  3. Stating to people that you would like to challenge them to a duel while riding your horse triumphantly around Victoria St at 7am on Boxing Day morning.

 

 

 

Harrison Ford slipping into a hot tub on this New Years Eve

Posted on by Hosehead

Started to watch Star Wars Return of the Jedi. Puppet dance party with Princess Leia in a bikini and Harrison Ford frozen in carbonite? This is Fear and Loathing in Space.

I hope your Christmas was excellent. I think people are aging backwards. Many of my friends were ecstatic about receiving action figures while many of my friends bought their kids iPads and cell phones.

You never realize how hard your parents work putting dinner together until you actually watch them in action. There are many steps to making the perfect meal. I would be in bed by 8pm if I had to put together the dinner on my own.

I have purchased a PS4. I am extremely excited to be able to be able to shut my brain off for a minimum of 1 hour each day. You age 20 years at once if you are just able to watch the news and work out.

You never really think having a certain soap for washing bedding will make a difference until you wash your sheets with Gain. It feels like I am diving into a bed of dandelions after sipping on the nectar of the Gods while listening to Jose Gonzalez sing nursery rhymes to me when I go to sleep now.

Farm Boy is a new supermarket that opened recently. Two things really standout about it. It has the best soups in the city, and they have a swinging mechanical monkey above the bananas. Both things make me extremely happy.

Howler monkeys in Costa Rica do throw poop. This is not a myth. Sara got a few of them riled up by making monkey noises at them. They were reaching for their backside when we decided to go back into our little shed. We thought we were in the clear, but then they began to throw things onto the roof. Sara thought this was humorous. Daryl did not.

Hateful Eight – 9.1/10
Shaun the Sheep – 7.6/10
Spotlight – 9.8/10

Spotlight is the best movie of the year. It’s about the Catholic Church cover up of all the child abuse that has been happening over the years, and the newspaper that uncovered it. I think it’s an extremely important movie. People always think certain jobs can keep them above the law, and allow them to do despicable acts.

I have hit the midway of my off-time from work. I haven’t shaven, and I have barely moved. I think the majority of my day I just stare at my phone waiting for something to happen. My productivity over this time can be given a 2.3/10.

ZZ Top is coming to town. Usually you can predict the type of crowd you will see at a concert. ZZ Top is one of those bands that I am not sure about. It feels like people should be going to a biker bar with strippers and chicken wings before the show, but I could also see people going to the Martini’s. ZZ Top hits everybody’s appeal and nobody’s appeal all at once.

Sushi is another one of those foods that I pretend to like much more than I actually do. Most people either love it or hate it. It’s a chicken fingers and fries dish to this guy. Mediocre as a Sunday drive through the suburbs to look at Christmas Lights with your significant other.

Top 3 things that happen at most gyms.

3. Grunting – People love to get noticed by how many weights they are lifting. It also usually ends with the prototypical slamming of the weights down, and then glancing around to see if anybody noticed the significant amount of weight that they just pulverized.

2. The over-reactive sigh of relief when slipping into the hot-tub. It sounds like you just finished a 2 year war in the middle-east with how loud this sigh is.

1. (mostly for men, but men are just ogres and stare, Woman have also been caught) the constant search for the perfect bum.

New Year’s Eve is in a couple of days. Words of wisdom. The night will never be perfect. Keep it small, and spend time with people that are awesome. Quality over quantity on a night that is always built up too much.

Remember that soup is a delicious lunch.  Delicious, nutritious, and underrated.  Soup!

Happy New Year from Hosehead!

Snowfall, starts and ends with Rick Moranis

Posted on by Hosehead

Fruit Roll-Ups were nearly the best thing to ever get in your lunch while growing up. Everybody knew that it was terrible to have something that was made of sugar stuck to your teeth for 3 hours after eating it, but they were so delicious.

Fell down the stairs today at 6am getting ready to go to the gym. It’s always humorous to me after falling down the stairs. You give yourself about 10 seconds to make sure that you are not seriously injured by making the Peter Griffin noises when he gets hit with something in the knee.

First snowfall is always pretty to look at. Until you hear that familiar sound of the scraper against the window. They should make a Canadian horror movie with that as part of the soundtrack. The man that couldn’t get his windshield clean, starring Rick Moranis.

I am buying a PS4 at some point in the near future. I really do miss video games. I miss creating my own character in baseball, and having the most beautiful mustache in the major leagues.

There is always that kid in gym class that had the ugliest of running styles, but was super quick. He was also the same kid that was just a bit too intense at floor hockey time. “Dude, just relax, don’t take slap-shots from 4 feet away.”

Danny Collins – 7.7/10
Hunger Games: Mockingjay – 7.9/10

Does anybody actually enjoy card tricks? It doesn’t happen very often to me, but when somebody approaches looking to do a card trick there is no way out. It’s not just the trick that usually sucks. It’s the small-talk that you have to make after. Where do you go with the conversation after? You can’t ask them how they did it. And you know nothing about them. “So… Do you like stuff?”

Last night was our holiday party. Great time, wonderful food, amazing people. They provided the over the limit service as well. My car was driven home for me. Not sure there is a better service than this. There is nothing worse than leaving your car at Modean’s Roadhouse for the night, and having to take that walk of shame the next morning to get it. Walking down the sidewalk of sorrow as you approach the house that Pick built.

Are there people that drink champagne on a regular basis? Seems like the cap exploding off of the bottle would be a weird sound to hear while watching Pawn Stars.

If there is ever a time that you need to look important. Walk very quickly with the cell phone up to your ear looking for signal. Ha, Ha, Ha, Business!

Crocs are still the worst. It’s a mix of a shoe, a rubber boot, and your dignity.

As a younger lad there was never a challenge that I took to heart more than being asked to make a mixed disc for somebody. It was very similar to filling out a lineup for a baseball team. Numbers 3 and 4 were always the heavy hitters, and the leadoff was always to get the blood going. If you have never felt these things while making a mixed disc – you probably like shitty music.

Books sometimes have it tough. There is just too much competition in the average household. Internet, TV, and video games make it a goliath type triumph if a book gets to be finished. But there is something about being submersed into a fantastic book. I am going to the library right now…. And I have $32.00 in late fees…. This is the vicious cycle of picking your entertainment.

I am starting to see friends on Facebook that you can tell are beginning to develop into crusty old people. There is always something to complain about. It’s almost like they like bad things happening; because they need something to complain about. What a tiring life that must be.

Damn landlord didn’t ice down the stairs this morning at 5am. I could have broken my damn neck. It’s their responsibility to get things like that taken care of. I should dock $50.00 from my rent for the hassle that I had to go through. This is very exhausting.

Happy Sunday! Packers play the Vikings today in an epic Smith versus Dhooma rivalry. There is usually no victor when these matchups happen. The Packers win, and Sara tells me to do the laundry.