Eating Lucky Charms with Britney in Vegas

Rule of thumb is to never look at anything on the internet.  My Instagram feed is full of credit card offers, hotel deals in Las Vegas, and Chicago Bears merchandise.  I’m trying to look at memes of kittens saying human things.  Don’t have time for an ad about Britney Spears being an unbelievable show and life-time experience that you won’t want to miss.  Just a couple of side questions though.  Has anybody seen her before?  Is it really a lifetime experience?  How many outfit changes does she do?

While driving to work the other day I noticed a handmade cardboard sign that said “Need Website?” with a phone number right below. You’d think they could try just a wee-bit harder than that.  “Oh, June, I was thinking about making a website.  Let’s give this number a call and see if they can help.”  I don’t know why I used the name June – nobody has been named that in 37 years.

Try not to watch much TV in the summer.  I find that outdoor activities are required to keep the mind in a solid-state to go through the grind of winter.   By the time April rolls around, I’ve just decided to not wear a jacket out of spite.  I’ll still complain that I’m cold, but out of stubbornness, I will not wear that jacket another fu**ing day.

My company has massage chairs at work. Unfortunately, I’ve already claimed that in sales you are not allowed a stress relief at work at any point and have to stick to my guns.  You drink and smoke if you are stressed out.  That’s how Don Draper did it and that’s how I do it (I don’t actually smoke).  Those chairs do look like a delight though.

I received a Bluetooth speaker for my birthday last year.  My vinyl collection has come to a complete halt.  Flipping over the record after three songs is sooo much work.  Is anybody available to be paid in craft beer to flip the record for me?  You will also need to listen to me complain about the weather, work, and the dude that was cutting the grass at 7 am on Thursday.

My beard has come in (fairly) full.  This is the first time that I’ve actually received compliments on it.  This is what it feels like to become a man eh?  It only took 40 years but it was well worth the wait.  Still waiting on those compliments on my physique – I’m sure that will be any day now.

Turning 41 in a few days.  Ageing is interesting.  When you are young you feel like there must a switch that gets flipped and you become a wise older person.  My brain works exactly the same as it did when I was 21.  Every time I go through the cereal aisle I pick up a Lucky Charms box and say to myself “you’ve earned this cereal because you walked the golf course today.”  Then I look down the aisle and see that stupid box of Bran Flakes and make the right decision.  Then I talk shit to my own body for sucking.  “Yeah, stomach – because of you we can’t have delicious things.”

As mentioned I’m hitting Vegas in about a week.  This will be a work conference.  I have to lead the team properly and not get up to any shenanigans.  “Ok, Daryl, is that a good enough pep talk for you?”

Top 3 lies that you tell yourself when you go on vacation.

3 – I’m going to put the phone away for the entire week.  No social media, no work, and no web surfing.  Within 13 minutes of the newest book (of the 3 that you picked up) you are watching a dog run around a horse in circles while the horse gets fired up.

2 – That you will read any of those 3 books mentioned above.

1 – That you made the right decision going with the cheaper resort that had kids there and not the adult-only option.

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Top 5 Albums of 2018

5) Beach House – 7

Beach House has really grown into the sound over the years. Earlier albums seem to lack identity – filtering in and out of dream pop and psychedelia. This album is the perfect mix of both but added in a haunting feel to it. The key to the entire record is the added deep percussion. It’s really just about a band that has hit their groove at an exact time. This is also a masterfully edited album. It isn’t often where you’ll notice the sounds working perfectly together that are not always a standard instrument. The deep heavy keyboards create the haunting sound that perfectly sets the mood of “7”.  Top song of this record is “Black Car”.

 

4) Ryley Walker – Deafman Glance

This dude can pump out music. With a mix of acid jazz, rock, and a Cornell style voice. It’s a weird mix but works extremely well on this record. Walker seems to be some type of musical madman with the types of sounds he makes. Not afraid to test the boundaries of any type of instrument. There is flute, saxophone, tall bass, and recorder on top of the standard drums and guitar. It’s poetry in motion as his voice finds the niche of the sound. When asked to describe his sound I can’t do it. It doesn’t sound like anything I’ve heard. There are points where I feel like I’m in a car chase and then others where I’m having a hot chocolate around a campfire. This is the draw of Ryley Walker. The top song on the album is “Telluride Speed”. (couldn’t find a good live feed of this tune – this concert is solid though)

 

3) Kurt Vile – Bottle It In

My boy has done it again. This album took a solid 5 or 6 listens before I really got into it. It’s really a mashup between his previous two albums with a bit of Courtney Barnett mixed in there. At the end of the day, Vile is trying to get you to have the feel of a long hair dude wearing a leather jacket with headphones in, head bobbing in a downtown area. The entire record has a coolness to it. It never really steps on the gas at any point, but you feel accomplished once through it. Of course, Vile’s guitar skills are on center stage as always. His sound comes so naturally out of him that would be impossible for another artist to attempt it. The top song on the record is “Check Baby”.

 

2) Wild Pink – Yolk In The Fur

Opened up Pitchfork on a random day in June and read a review on this album. Seemed to be right up my alley in regards to sound. Slow burn rock with an unassuming lead singer that had a bit of a Built to Spill vibe. One of the best parts of this record is how it flows from one song into another. In the days of Spotify, this is a rarity. This is supposed to be listened to from start to finish. Wild Pink does a phenomenal job of taking you to one part of your senses and then turning on a dime to another part. Soft vocals with a mild guitar straight to a solo. This is a bit of a throwback album to the early 2000s. They have minimal use of keyboards and mixers. This is an album that tells a rock story. Soft Grandaddy to hard Built to Spill. It mixes everything in. “The Séance on St. Augustine St.” is the tune to check out.

1) Khruangbin – Con Todo El Mundo

I’m sure you’ve heard me speak about this band. One of the coolest fu**ing bands that I’ve seen/heard over the past decade. The guitarist is a wonderfully talented musician – one of the best currently. Underrated is the supporting instruments. The drums and bass all revolve around the lead guitar. Creating a nest to support any unique sound that comes out of his mind. From top to bottom this album will make you feel fantastic. It’s meant to be thrown on while sitting on the dock at the water of your cottage. It’s nearly impossible to not be in a good mood or be put at ease when Khruangbin has been thrown onto the stereo. This record has been on my heavy rotation for the entire year. Best album of the year with a bullet. Song to check out is “Maria Tambien”.

Watching Gritty get Inducted into the Level of Excellence

Sitting in Smile Tiger having a muffin and a tea while writing this.  This is not a common occurrence.  This is mainly because I don’t want Sara to come home to a bachelor pad.  I’ve hired a cleaning lady to take care of things.  Some would call that laziness; others would call that smartly outsourcing.

Gritty (the new Flyers mascot) is absolutely my favourite thing right now.  There was an ad that had Jimmy Fallon and Ricky Gervais dancing in a room and Gritty wanders by and decides to get involved in the dance party.  Ricky and Gritty start shoving each other which ends up turning into a fight with Fallon trying to break it up.  Amazing!

Read an article about John Gibbons getting a spot in the level of excellence.  One division title, two playoff appearances, and .501 winning percentage over 11 or 12 years.  Only in Toronto would this be considered “excellence”.  Remember joke blog.  Please for the love of all things that are actually excellent don’t go down the rabbit hole of “I love Gibby” comments.  Stop typing, don’t do it, don’t hit enter… Damn it!

I’ve booked a trip to Arizona with a buddy of mine.  It’s always enjoyable to spend 4-5 days pretending like you are a retired old white man.  The streets are wide (not sure how anybody could possibly get into an accident), everybody is moving at a slow to even slower pace, conversations are only about sports or the weather.  I find this enjoyable for a very small amount of time.

I tried out for a football team when I was in Grade 9.  The thought was that I was very accurate throwing a baseball – football should translate well.  My first practice I took a fairly decent hit.  That was the end of the football dream.

There are at least 6-7 dogs that I know personally that I’m fairly certain I could beat in a 100 metre race.  I’m not talking tiny dogs – full size dogs.  Dogs don’t have the same motivation for success as humans.  I even know a few dogs that would fake an injury.  “oh, my poor paw, I stepped on a rock.” Quoting dogs is weird.

Went to the Rock Spa recently.  They have this steam shower thing that’s somewhat cool.  You sit on this stool and steam begins to rise from the floor.  It does feel kind of like you’re in a gas chamber, but once you get over that sensation it’s kind of neat.  They have a radio in there as well.  I assumed that the music would be pre-set to something soothing.  Nope, Bruno Mars was being ripped while steam filled my insides.  I did quickly think to myself “Well, this is how I go out”.

When I pass away I would like the line of funeral cars to go onto the 401 all the way to Toronto during rush hour.  This would entertain me from a distance.

You would think being a 40-year-old man that I could take care of myself properly.  Went camping recently with the family and I forgot my belt, toothbrush, and almost my pillow (twice).  Standing up to go to the bathroom I had to hold my pants up.  Brushed my teeth with my finger.  There is no way another human could be trusted in my care.

How many people in Canada and the US have been named Art or Chet in the past 10 years?  I’m going to go with under 90 people in total.  Chet always seemed to be the name of a dude that had one too many Bud Light’s and was going to pick a fight with a nerd (his words not mine). “Hey, why don’t you grab a book and read it.”  That was always Chet’s top insult.  Really got Art and Morris going.

 

Looking back on the summer I feel that it was one of the best weather wise in the past decade.  I give Mother Nature 9.2/10 for this past summer.  You are up in Radiohead album rating territory Mother Nature.  You should be very proud of yourself.

Eating Cotton Candy with a Couple of Hosers

Was at a bachelor party on Friday in Collingwood.  Went golfing with a buddy during the day celebrating his good news (I’m similar to dog – always looking to celebrate even if it’s not for me).  Unfortunately, I don’t quite have the stamina at 40 to rock an entire day and night of events.  Funneled a Bud Lite, drank a few IPA’s, and was in bed by like 10 pm.

It was actually much easier to funnel a beer than I remembered.  I haven’t done it in at least a decade.  The most entertaining part though is how your system reacts after the funnel.  Generally, it’s the largest and grossest belch.  Like your internal system is just saying “Daryl you are an a**hole for doing that to me.”

If you haven’t been to Cowbell Brewery you should go.  It’s in Blyth (practically the only thing there – unless you are going to see Mamma Mia).  The place is extraordinary.  Piles of beers on tap, beautiful interior, nice patio, and $2.00 hotdogs.  There was a brief second when I thought about ordering 3 hot dogs for lunch.  It’s only $6.00 I thought to myself.  Then common sense kicked in.  You will be sick for the afternoon and the staff there will think of you as the cheapest man alive.

Mamma Mia is the single worst theatre experience of my life.  Abba isn’t bad in a small dose (like a single song).  When you start to string together their music you begin to lose it mentally.  Everybody else is clapping and singing along; I have my head between my legs trying to figure out a way to roofie myself without the presence of the actual drug.

Went to my bro-in-laws new place in London yesterday.  While enjoying the outdoors we noticed that there was an owl in the tree.  It’s very confusing seeing any type of real wildlife in the suburbs of a major city.  It’s also humorous to me envisioning a small human being carried away in an owl’s claws.  Legs and arms flailing, and the faint “what the fu** is happening?” as they get carried further and further away.

Sara has nearly completed the PCT (around 200 miles away I believe).  Looking at pictures of her it looks like her hair has become a bright red with the sunlight exposure.  She looks extremely healthy and I couldn’t be a more proud husband of her accomplishment(s).  If you don’t know much about the PCT watch the movie/read the book Wild.  It’s a long distance hike from Mexico to Canada in the Western states.

I’ve never seen anybody purchase cotton candy at a ball game before.  I see these Hosers walk up and down the aisle with this giant fuzzy candy and never seen an adult put up their hand.  Fiberglass candy can’t be good for your insides.  Plus you look like a moron when you bite into it.  If you get it for your child they would have a stomach ache after two bites.  Now you feel like you have to take it home due to the $11.00 cost – so you are stuck holding this stupid troll doll looking hair candy for 6 innings.

Did you know where the word Hoser originated from?  Most people would guess it was the days of Bob and Doug Mackenzie (as I did as well).  This is not true – a Hoser is somebody that used to spray the ice with water in between periods of hockey games.  It was a crappy job with very little pay.   This was stated to a co-worker by an American prospect that we were calling into.  This useless Canadian fact was brought to you by maple syrup.  “Tap that tree and watch the gold flow.”

When it’s a sunny Sunday as it is today and it’s week 2 of the NFL season you really go through emotional anxiety.  It’s 29 degrees, but there is football on.  There are only a few nice weekends remaining, but the Packers play the Vikings at 1.  You could be golfing – you enjoy golf, shut up brain, I need you for fantasy football today and not for guilt.

Eating Dandelions in Paris with Street Performers

I’ve taken a couple days off to rent a little house in Paris.  One thing that is noticeable when grabbing a place in this sleepy little town is that the conversations with the house owner really feels like you’ve been transported back in time.  “Oh, you’ll have to go out and see the deer with their fawn at 3 pm when the children all go out as well.  Then there’s Henry the Heron – you can see him from the patio.  You might get a glimpse of the beaver family as well.  They usually come out at around 5 pm.”  I have not said a word and it’s been a 23 min conversation.  Somehow, I feel more at ease and have just had a slice of homemade apple pie without knowing it.

Watched the first two episodes of Rostered On.  It’s a comedy about an electronic retail big box shop in the UK.  The jokes hit a little too close to home.  There was a scene about a man that had the settings on his toaster at the highest settings and complained that his burnt toast was from a faulty toaster.  The next thing that I remember is rocking in a corner with my Future Shop uniform clutched tight to my chest mumbling something about not being able to return a USB flash drive.

Is the World Cup over yet?  Generally, I don’t detest any single nation.  Every four years or so I find myself cheering only against one team – Portugal.  The reason is out of pure entertainment.  The fans are the most over-the-top whiners that I’ve witnessed.

Can’t imagine having the hoarding disorder.  There was a time that Sara and I did have a messy house, but this was caused by sheer laziness and not wanting to hold onto stuff.  There has never been a time that I thought “Oh, maybe this hairnet from the hotel will come in handy in a few years.  We should keep it around the house.  Especially since I’ve never used one in my life.”

The one thing that I don’t miss about living in a small town is knowing everything about everyone.  I don’t need to know what Mrs. Jackson’s two children’s marks were in Math in Grade 8.  I need space in my brain for old hockey trades and the name of the first album by the Beta Band.

How do you get into the street performer profession?  I’m not talking about the guitar players.  I’m referring to the break dancers, jugglers, etc…  Baking out in the sun and juggling fu**ing knives seems like the absolute last thing that I would ever want to do, let alone practice.  You have to spend countless hours becoming an expert in this craft.    The more re-tracing that I do on this profession the more ridiculous that it seems.  What’s the pinnacle – Vegas?  Nobody is looking up the stats on knife jugglers?  Well, one person – me, but nobody else.

An Ice Cream Truck recently came to my work.  As many co-workers ran out with glee to the ice cream truck they were turned away by the man – he was meant to go across the road to another tech company.  Many were sad, and a few confused on why he wouldn’t serve paying customers anyways.  The rest of the day just couldn’t live up to the moment of seeing that beautiful multi-coloured truck pull in and park for just that minute.  This life in tech moment has been brought to you by TWB Coop Brewery.  Where every day is like a Mumford and Sons concert.

Top 3 things that I knew as a child that other children didn’t seem to know/care about

3) Dandelions are not delicious.  There are thousands of these things everywhere.  They don’t even look tasty.  Had one of those yellow petals and it tasted bitter.  Little Georgie would just power through a minimum of 6 or 7 of these a day.  He’d have yellow stains on his pants.  Georgie didn’t have many friends – except the dandelions.

2) Being timed to get things by your parents is a trick.  “I will get this thing for you, but it will cost you a minimum of three chips old man.”

3) Getting dirty sucks.  “Alright man, you can roll around in that puddle if you want Joe.  Seems like a huge mistake to me.  You are going to look like sh** and your Mom is going to light you up when you get home.  Well, there you go.  Remember this conversation when you get home, yup lap it up like a dog as well – real smart Joe.”

Burying Money in the Amazon on Canada Day

My favorite meme that I’ve seen recently is that we should be careful of setting off fireworks because it might frighten dogs in the neighborhood.  Also, please stop with rainstorms as well.  We need to protect the dogs from all of the loud noises.  Dogs need to toughen up.  As a species, you’ve become soft in your old age.

Do people still bury money?  There are only three reasons that you bury money.  You’ve obtained it illegally, you don’t know how banks work, or you’ve started to crack mentally.  How many movies that I’ve seen where there is some weird treasure buried in some really remote area that has one fu**ing map to get there? You need a minimum of two maps I’m thinking.  How long did it take you to make all of these booby traps in the middle of the Amazon?  How did you get there in the first place?  Bury it under old man Baker’s flower garden in Tavistock.  Nobody is looking there.

It’s hilarious how much stuff the millennial generation gets blamed for.  Sometimes I just like to pile on.  Millennials broke the damn earth.  All of us older generations are trying to put it back together with good old-fashioned prayers and denial like normal people of the past.  Also, music nowadays sucks, and quit whining about the lack of money that you make – so annoying.

Played golf yesterday.  Had to throw out my undershirt after.  Sometimes I miss my wife being around so that I can walk through that door covered in sweat and just annoy here with affection for a minimum of 7 minutes.  It then becomes uncomfortable because she is actually starting to get upset.  I then go in for one last hug and receive a slightly more aggressive push.  This is when I know to stop.

First Reformed – 9.3/10

Warning:  Do not go see this movie if you are feeling slightly sad or depressed.  It’s a beautiful movie about a Pastor that starts to see the truth in the way the environment is being treated as his faith gets tested.

I’ve searched becoming a hand model twice since the internet was created.  Both times were within a week of re-watching the Seinfeld episode, and feeling unsatisfied with Future Shop.  My hands are not beautiful enough to do this even though I’ve done under 9 hours of hard labor in my life.

I worked at the shop for 13 years.  The thing that I remember most is that I had a customer that came to see me all of the time named Hung Lo.  Really enjoyed that.

Was having dinner at TWH Social, since Sara isn’t home this is sometimes done on my own.  They had a dude up there playing the acoustic guitar just for me.  There wasn’t another person in the bar.  This is an extremely uncomfortable situation for both parties.  Do I clap after each song?  Do I pretend that he doesn’t exist?  Do I tell him to stop?  I just want to watch the ball game in peace.  After a few songs, I heard the dreaded.  “Hey, buddy, any particular song that you want to hear?”  Ah fu**, I’ve been called out.  I respond with the totally awkward.  “No man, you are doing great.”  This was said with a thumbs up.

Who wakes up at 6:14 am on Canada Day morning?  Debated going for a walk before it got hot out.  Then grabbed a coffee and began writing.  Have to grab a garbage can later on today, but that’s about my only set in stone plans.  Might take a walk through Victoria Park with the family.  Real wild day – might need an afternoon nap.

Top 3 themes for your Canada Day party:

3) Cut off jean short party for men only.  Combine this with a sports shirt and you have a winning party.  Women can’t resist this beautiful look.

sleepaway-camp

2) Child games as adults.  Get involved a drunk-ass game of Duck Duck, Goose or tag.  This usually ends in violence due to Mark forgetting the rules of children’s game getting ripped on for the evening.

3) Mushrooms or weed?  There are dozens of cookies and brownies.  You must continue to eat them until you guess three in a row correctly.

Being Pet Like a Dog in a Tent at a Music Festival

I’ve felt fairly lazy over the last few days.  This really came to the forefront when the PS4 controller was plugging into charge – I searched the app store to find a way to use the PS4 from my phone.  By the end of this journey on the phone I ended up looking at dogs wearing capes (47 min had passed).

Today is fairly miserable out in regards to weather.  It’s one of those days that you throw a documentary on about the reason fluoride doesn’t seem to be used at dentist offices anymore.

There are some stats out there that say being a dentist has one of the highest rates of depression.  Is there any logic behind this?  My dentist seems to be happy.  He does seem to enjoy sticking needles into my mouth though.  Even though I have those weird shades on, I can still see this massive needle you bastard.  Stop smiling when I’m gripping the sides of the chair.  Don’t scream “woooooo” while yanking out a wisdom tooth.

I once owned a top hat.  That might have been the worst purchase of my career as a human.  Not many people can pull it off.  Especially when you aren’t wearing a full tuxedo.  Going out in an Aaron Rodgers jersey with a top hat is not a good look.  One of two things is going to happen.  People at the pub think that you’ve lost a bet or that you are just an idiot.  No one says “oh that guy is edgy – maybe I should talk to him”.

Bingeman’s just had their annual EDM Festival.  23 kids were sent to hospital with potential drug over doses.  What happened to the days of just sitting in the lawn chair high on weed?  The only chance of an overdose is on Nacho Cheese Doritos.  It did always start the same way at these festivals.

“I’m going to see every band possible.”

“This chair is very comfortable”

“I’m feeling a bit bloated from the 9 hotdogs and 17 Budweiser’s that I’ve had”

‘The attempt to get off of the chair – only to lose your balance and sit right back down (this also includes a somewhat concerned, but also humorous expression on your face)

“This band only has a couple of good songs.  Think I’m good right here.”

“I was just resting my eyes – I’m fine”

“Who has Red Bull?  You can mix that with booze and your fine right?  I went to a doctor once and he mentioned that my heart was strong enough to handle that (this was a lie).”

“This day was amazing.  I can’t wait to do this for three days in a row.”

The tent is so gross at a festival.  You wake up in the morning slightly sweaty and dehydrated.  As you search around for your glasses you notice that your beer has spilled in the corner of the tent.  Somehow there is a dog sleeping at one corner of the tent.  You think to yourself – I don’t own a dog.  There’s a small pile of dirt that looks purposefully put there, and there are at minimum three mosquitos that have had a feast on your boozy body.  You don’t know where your shades are so zip open the tent like a vampire with your eyes open as small as they can go while still being able to see.  Wandering around without any real purpose other than to find some type of liquid substance that isn’t alcohol.  Finally locate a Gatorade – you prop yourself down onto the slightly dangerous picnic table (nails sticking out).  This is the moment every festival goer says to themselves “Why do I do this to myself?”

Gatorade is in kind of a strange situation.  It’s meant to be a sport drink, but 93% of the purchases are by hungover human beings.  They must be thinking to themselves – well this really worked out.

Top 3 weird things that happen on our trip to Asia (this is not a recent trip)

3)  Being pet on the head like a dog while squished on a bus in Beijing.  I wouldn’t say there is anything unique about my appearance, but this man wanted to make sure my hair was real?

2) Only men dance in Vietnam.  Dancing closer than I’m generally comfortable with 3 tiny Vietnamese men to Asian pop music.  Women were all in the back having a conversation.

1)  Playing the noodles or intestines game in Japan.  Many of the restaurants have a vending machine that you grab a ticket from and take it to a person.  The only way that you have any clue of what’s in the bowl is by this tiny picture that looks exactly the same as every other tiny picture.  Then a bowl of something arrives at your table.  I’m fairly certain I was 50/50 on wins and losses.

Fixing the Election With a Slathering of Paint

Yesterday was the first day that it felt like summer.  As per usual nobody prepared for it while sitting on a patio at lunch time.  It’s always the same mentality.  “I’m invincible against the sun because of the lack of sunshine that I’ve received over the past 6 months.  Why am I wearing long sleeves and jeans?  Why am I melting?  Was the sun always this hot?”

Mini pitcher specials on a patio are dangerous.  I need to drink this at least 1.8x faster than a normal beer due to the temperature outside.  It’s also lunchtime – probably shouldn’t consume alcohol that quickly.  On the other hand, it is Friday, and mini-pitcher specials aren’t going to last forever (here they actually do).

The NDP is coming across like a desperate girlfriend calling me right now.  “Hey… remember that one time when we had a really great time together.  We could have that again.  Give me a call back.  Or, you could just text me your credit card details.  Send cash in a crow’s mouth, drop off empties at our downtown Kitchener office – whatever works for you.   Actually I’m not sure how this relates to a desperate girlfriend, and I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite this.

People always get up in arms about the election.  Here’s the simple way who to vote for.

PC:  Don’t take my money.  I’ve worked hard to gain this money and would prefer keeping the majority of it – if others can’t make this kind of money it’s not my problem.  Would rather not think about people that need help with any issues (not always).

NDP:  Require Government help with the same things the PC people (not always) don’t want to believe exist.  Don’t make a lot of money.  Are you in your 20s-30s? Money (or things money can buy) isn’t the first thing that comes up when thinking of the pursuit of happiness (they may turn into a PC person when acquiring more money).

Liberal:  In between the above two parties

*Remember folks – this is a comedy blog*

I’ve been on a soft 80’s kick recently.  Is Phil Collins the Godfather of soft 80’s rock?  That’s not quite as tough sounding as Black Sabbath the Godfather’s of Metal.  Maybe this is why he hasn’t gone by this.

Top 3 things that I would rather do then go to Boots and Hearts (country music festival)

3) Be trampled by a pack of llamas that were all wearing headphones that had Rage Against the Machine cranked

2) Live with a man that only enjoyed Nascar and Indian Cricket for one full weekend.  Any time that you tried to change the channel he yelled at you, while shaking a box of Kraft Dinner (not sure if he’s threatening me to have to eat it or use it as a weapon)

3) Have to wear “cheesy saying” t-shirts purchased from Walmart for one full year.

I tried chewing tobacco while in high-school.  This was a huge mistake.  Why do they call it chewing tobacco if you don’t chew it?  I did chew it – then I barfed.  This was before the internet told me how to do things.

People that could climb trees quickly always fascinated me as a child.  They would scale a tree in less than 2 minutes.  They would then sit proudly on one of the thinner branches (looking confident, but also a bit scared) near the top of a 25 foot tree.  Then there would be the nervous, and less confident scaling down which included a jump that was probably a bit dangerous. Maybe I should clarify here – I never actually wanted to do this myself, and was fascinated why anybody would want to.

Knitting always confused me.  Why would anybody want to sit there and make a blanket for hours on end?  I think as you soon as you hit the age of 36 you begin to understand that your brain’s RPM needs to be slowed down every once in a while.  I still don’t knit, but I get it.

My shower was fixed recently in my apartment building.  By fixed I mean they repaired the wall with a slathering of paint and fu**ed up my water pressure.

Walking Down the Bean Aisle on a First Date

May two-four weekend is nearing its end.  I’d like to think that I had fond memories of this weekend in particular in the past, but this is not the truth.  Generally, every May two-four started the same.  Weather looks decent during the day, but nobody seemed to care (or looked) that it was going down to 7 degrees at night.  We then would rock a total summer tent with a sleeping bag that was manufactured in Vietnam for 30 degree evenings.  Gordo would state the following line that we would believe at the time “Drink more whiskey – that will keep you warm”.  Slater would throw a picnic table on top of the fire, Vicky would be barfing outside of her tent, and Ox would be talking about grocery shopping in his sleep. Then the next day it would all start again.

One May two-four many moons ago I had an unfortunate incident.  My parents had just purchased me a beautiful Green Bay Packers jacket for Christmas.

Packers jacket

This jacket could fit 12 cans of Budweiser in the pocket out front.  Confidently I strutted around the camp site opening a beer whenever I damn well pleased.  As the evening progressed somebody threw a can of beans in the fire.  Knowing that this was supposed to blow up I took shelter with everybody else behind trees. The can did make a popping noise but no beans came screaming out.  I wasn’t going to be fooled by this again.  The same joker threw another can of beans in the fire.  All the fools were taking shelter – I was spending no extra energy getting behind a tree three feet away. I’ve outsmarted everybody I thought to myself. This was a mistake.  You could hear the can beginning to steam (this was my first doubt that I’d made the right decision).  This was followed by an explosion.  Beans had covered not only the beautiful green and gold, but my entire face.  On top of this part of the can had burned through the arm of the jacket.  There was a valuable lesson learned in all of this.  Don’t go camping on May two-four weekend.

Beans used to be a common household item for most families I believe.  The nature of the way that your body reacts to this underrated nourishment has severely derailed the sales.  I’ve seen many old men in the bean aisle loading up.  Beans aren’t bad I always think to myself, but you are being a bit aggressive here.

Tim Horton’s chili is actually passable.  This is a once every two week meal for myself.  The last 3 times that I’ve been to Tim Horton’s there have been multiple people to not only greet me, but it also feels like they were waiting for me.  It’s a strange sensation.  Usually, when traveling through the drive thru you can hear their tones of “holy fu**, another fu**ing car – when does it end?????”

Eating salad at a Subway seems like it’s wrong for some reason.  “You are going to use the same vegetables that you would put on a sandwich.  Who do you think I am… a peasant?”

Had a pleasant brisk walk to Smile Tiger Coffee today.  When I arrived they had War on Drugs cranked on the stereo.  Did the only logical thing – wandered around giving props to each person that worked there as they stared at me with a puzzled look on their face.

Ready Player One – 7.5/10

Isle of Dogs – 8.2/10

It’s extremely odd to react in any way when getting Id’d.  Just hand them your Government issued card.  Don’t get offended and don’t react like they just made your day.  They already feel uncomfortable asking for this.  Drawing attention to it will make it even worse.  Keep the line going and move on with your 6 Palm Bay’s and bottle of Rose.

Top 3 things that I didn’t know I had a knack for but I do:

3) Jumping into a conversation after figuring out that they thought I had said something different than I actually said. Sometimes I have a tendency to speak not only in a deep voice, but can also mumble.  This has given me the skill of this.   Here’s an example.

  • Would you like a bag?
  • No, I think I’m good
  • Yes, it has been busy here today. It comes in waves.
  • Well, at least that makes for a quick work day
  • Yes it does sir, have a great day

2) Knowing what food is in the household and the chances of it being close to expired.  ‘I bought that spinach on May 15th at 4:07 pm.  The expiry said that it would be fresh until May 22nd at 8:23 pm.’ Sara shoots me an odd glare and replies “What’s wrong with you?”

1) Picking out first dates at any location.  It could be a combination of their body language or how they are drinking or eating.  I’m sure it’s even more awkward to have a dude staring at them intently while he sips on his craft beer.

On the Way to Kincardine in the El Camino

I only know a few couples that would talk in a British accent for the entire evening for fun.  These couples all have the exact same things in common.  The man generally enjoys (and feels a weird satisfaction) cutting the lawn.  The woman likes to make cakes in her spare time.  They are like the human version of what a Glee Club would be if every part of the ensemble was manufactured into a human body.  It makes me happy and feel sick all at the same time.  It’s a strange sensation.

There are too many salad dressings.  I can’t be walking up and down that aisle for 7 minutes looking at new types.  Just give me the top 5 that’s required.  It always works the same way.  “Hmmm, wonder what sweet onion parmesan would taste like?”  It’s a big risk – I’ll have this bottle for a minimum of two months.  Can’t chance it.

Grocery stores do seem to have better music nowadays.  This could be a combination of a couple of things.  People my age are in charge of the stores or the more likely scenario; I’m just noticing it more now because I’m actually paying attention and not just trying to find the chip aisle at a mad pace.

There were times where I would walk by the magazine section.  Maxim would obviously be sitting there for all to look at.  Growing up in a small town you couldn’t be caught with a Maxim in your hand at age 17.  You would get that look from a neighbor.  You know the look.  “Oh, my goodness.  What’s that Smith boy up to?  He probably smokes as well.  My Bobby would never be doing this.”  Meanwhile Bobby is beer touring with Big Willy on a side road out by Molesworth.

Molesworth is a small town going towards Wingham.  You knew when you hit Molesworth that you might as well shut your brain off for 30 minutes.  All there is to do is smell cow dung and look at farm animals.  That Adam Sandler stand up CD better be entertaining; because if not – I’m stopping at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way to Kincardine.

El Camino’s are half truck and half car.  Whoever invented this was a bold person.  You have to think that if this idea fails I’m getting fu**ing canned.

There are two stuffed animals in our apartment.  I always have them facing me while sitting on the couch.  When I’m eating something that I probably shouldn’t be I look around the room – the stuffed sheep especially has a judgmental face.  This will sometimes stop me from eating the food, but more than likely I will just turn the sheep around to face the wall.

I don’t trust adults that wear backpacks while walking out and about.  I find it odd that you have prepared for wherever you are going so much that you have a full backpack of supplies.

Supply teaching would be a tough gig.  No rapport with the students.  They have no idea who you are.  You are trying to pick up where Mrs. Henderson left off.  Tommy is going to try to figure out how to push your buttons.  Tammy is going to take her cellphone out and Snapchat somebody giving you the finger while you are writing on the chalkboard.  It’s a no-win situation in my mind.

Top 3 things that they will have to speed through during tonight’s Oscars to keep my attention.

1) Lifetime achievement award. Bringing some 90 year old dude that would probably rather be eating soda crackers on the couch with Myrtle. This is not his scene.  Just mail him the award.

2) Best short film. Yup, there will never be a time in my life that I will say to myself. Maybe I should search for these 20 minute films that were short-listed for the Oscars.

3) What they are wearing Oscars commentators. If you showed me a dress that came from Old Navy versus Jean-Francois Beaulivier’s studded dress (this is all made up… I think) with fabric that can only be found in Southern France – I couldn’t tell the difference.