Being Pet Like a Dog in a Tent at a Music Festival

I’ve felt fairly lazy over the last few days.  This really came to the forefront when the PS4 controller was plugging into charge – I searched the app store to find a way to use the PS4 from my phone.  By the end of this journey on the phone I ended up looking at dogs wearing capes (47 min had passed).

Today is fairly miserable out in regards to weather.  It’s one of those days that you throw a documentary on about the reason fluoride doesn’t seem to be used at dentist offices anymore.

There are some stats out there that say being a dentist has one of the highest rates of depression.  Is there any logic behind this?  My dentist seems to be happy.  He does seem to enjoy sticking needles into my mouth though.  Even though I have those weird shades on, I can still see this massive needle you bastard.  Stop smiling when I’m gripping the sides of the chair.  Don’t scream “woooooo” while yanking out a wisdom tooth.

I once owned a top hat.  That might have been the worst purchase of my career as a human.  Not many people can pull it off.  Especially when you aren’t wearing a full tuxedo.  Going out in an Aaron Rodgers jersey with a top hat is not a good look.  One of two things is going to happen.  People at the pub think that you’ve lost a bet or that you are just an idiot.  No one says “oh that guy is edgy – maybe I should talk to him”.

Bingeman’s just had their annual EDM Festival.  23 kids were sent to hospital with potential drug over doses.  What happened to the days of just sitting in the lawn chair high on weed?  The only chance of an overdose is on Nacho Cheese Doritos.  It did always start the same way at these festivals.

“I’m going to see every band possible.”

“This chair is very comfortable”

“I’m feeling a bit bloated from the 9 hotdogs and 17 Budweiser’s that I’ve had”

‘The attempt to get off of the chair – only to lose your balance and sit right back down (this also includes a somewhat concerned, but also humorous expression on your face)

“This band only has a couple of good songs.  Think I’m good right here.”

“I was just resting my eyes – I’m fine”

“Who has Red Bull?  You can mix that with booze and your fine right?  I went to a doctor once and he mentioned that my heart was strong enough to handle that (this was a lie).”

“This day was amazing.  I can’t wait to do this for three days in a row.”

The tent is so gross at a festival.  You wake up in the morning slightly sweaty and dehydrated.  As you search around for your glasses you notice that your beer has spilled in the corner of the tent.  Somehow there is a dog sleeping at one corner of the tent.  You think to yourself – I don’t own a dog.  There’s a small pile of dirt that looks purposefully put there, and there are at minimum three mosquitos that have had a feast on your boozy body.  You don’t know where your shades are so zip open the tent like a vampire with your eyes open as small as they can go while still being able to see.  Wandering around without any real purpose other than to find some type of liquid substance that isn’t alcohol.  Finally locate a Gatorade – you prop yourself down onto the slightly dangerous picnic table (nails sticking out).  This is the moment every festival goer says to themselves “Why do I do this to myself?”

Gatorade is in kind of a strange situation.  It’s meant to be a sport drink, but 93% of the purchases are by hungover human beings.  They must be thinking to themselves – well this really worked out.

Top 3 weird things that happen on our trip to Asia (this is not a recent trip)

3)  Being pet on the head like a dog while squished on a bus in Beijing.  I wouldn’t say there is anything unique about my appearance, but this man wanted to make sure my hair was real?

2) Only men dance in Vietnam.  Dancing closer than I’m generally comfortable with 3 tiny Vietnamese men to Asian pop music.  Women were all in the back having a conversation.

1)  Playing the noodles or intestines game in Japan.  Many of the restaurants have a vending machine that you grab a ticket from and take it to a person.  The only way that you have any clue of what’s in the bowl is by this tiny picture that looks exactly the same as every other tiny picture.  Then a bowl of something arrives at your table.  I’m fairly certain I was 50/50 on wins and losses.

Fixing the Election With a Slathering of Paint

Yesterday was the first day that it felt like summer.  As per usual nobody prepared for it while sitting on a patio at lunch time.  It’s always the same mentality.  “I’m invincible against the sun because of the lack of sunshine that I’ve received over the past 6 months.  Why am I wearing long sleeves and jeans?  Why am I melting?  Was the sun always this hot?”

Mini pitcher specials on a patio are dangerous.  I need to drink this at least 1.8x faster than a normal beer due to the temperature outside.  It’s also lunchtime – probably shouldn’t consume alcohol that quickly.  On the other hand, it is Friday, and mini-pitcher specials aren’t going to last forever (here they actually do).

The NDP is coming across like a desperate girlfriend calling me right now.  “Hey… remember that one time when we had a really great time together.  We could have that again.  Give me a call back.  Or, you could just text me your credit card details.  Send cash in a crow’s mouth, drop off empties at our downtown Kitchener office – whatever works for you.   Actually I’m not sure how this relates to a desperate girlfriend, and I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite this.

People always get up in arms about the election.  Here’s the simple way who to vote for.

PC:  Don’t take my money.  I’ve worked hard to gain this money and would prefer keeping the majority of it – if others can’t make this kind of money it’s not my problem.  Would rather not think about people that need help with any issues (not always).

NDP:  Require Government help with the same things the PC people (not always) don’t want to believe exist.  Don’t make a lot of money.  Are you in your 20s-30s? Money (or things money can buy) isn’t the first thing that comes up when thinking of the pursuit of happiness (they may turn into a PC person when acquiring more money).

Liberal:  In between the above two parties

*Remember folks – this is a comedy blog*

I’ve been on a soft 80’s kick recently.  Is Phil Collins the Godfather of soft 80’s rock?  That’s not quite as tough sounding as Black Sabbath the Godfather’s of Metal.  Maybe this is why he hasn’t gone by this.

Top 3 things that I would rather do then go to Boots and Hearts (country music festival)

3) Be trampled by a pack of llamas that were all wearing headphones that had Rage Against the Machine cranked

2) Live with a man that only enjoyed Nascar and Indian Cricket for one full weekend.  Any time that you tried to change the channel he yelled at you, while shaking a box of Kraft Dinner (not sure if he’s threatening me to have to eat it or use it as a weapon)

3) Have to wear “cheesy saying” t-shirts purchased from Walmart for one full year.

I tried chewing tobacco while in high-school.  This was a huge mistake.  Why do they call it chewing tobacco if you don’t chew it?  I did chew it – then I barfed.  This was before the internet told me how to do things.

People that could climb trees quickly always fascinated me as a child.  They would scale a tree in less than 2 minutes.  They would then sit proudly on one of the thinner branches (looking confident, but also a bit scared) near the top of a 25 foot tree.  Then there would be the nervous, and less confident scaling down which included a jump that was probably a bit dangerous. Maybe I should clarify here – I never actually wanted to do this myself, and was fascinated why anybody would want to.

Knitting always confused me.  Why would anybody want to sit there and make a blanket for hours on end?  I think as you soon as you hit the age of 36 you begin to understand that your brain’s RPM needs to be slowed down every once in a while.  I still don’t knit, but I get it.

My shower was fixed recently in my apartment building.  By fixed I mean they repaired the wall with a slathering of paint and fu**ed up my water pressure.

Walking Down the Bean Aisle on a First Date

May two-four weekend is nearing its end.  I’d like to think that I had fond memories of this weekend in particular in the past, but this is not the truth.  Generally, every May two-four started the same.  Weather looks decent during the day, but nobody seemed to care (or looked) that it was going down to 7 degrees at night.  We then would rock a total summer tent with a sleeping bag that was manufactured in Vietnam for 30 degree evenings.  Gordo would state the following line that we would believe at the time “Drink more whiskey – that will keep you warm”.  Slater would throw a picnic table on top of the fire, Vicky would be barfing outside of her tent, and Ox would be talking about grocery shopping in his sleep. Then the next day it would all start again.

One May two-four many moons ago I had an unfortunate incident.  My parents had just purchased me a beautiful Green Bay Packers jacket for Christmas.

Packers jacket

This jacket could fit 12 cans of Budweiser in the pocket out front.  Confidently I strutted around the camp site opening a beer whenever I damn well pleased.  As the evening progressed somebody threw a can of beans in the fire.  Knowing that this was supposed to blow up I took shelter with everybody else behind trees. The can did make a popping noise but no beans came screaming out.  I wasn’t going to be fooled by this again.  The same joker threw another can of beans in the fire.  All the fools were taking shelter – I was spending no extra energy getting behind a tree three feet away. I’ve outsmarted everybody I thought to myself. This was a mistake.  You could hear the can beginning to steam (this was my first doubt that I’d made the right decision).  This was followed by an explosion.  Beans had covered not only the beautiful green and gold, but my entire face.  On top of this part of the can had burned through the arm of the jacket.  There was a valuable lesson learned in all of this.  Don’t go camping on May two-four weekend.

Beans used to be a common household item for most families I believe.  The nature of the way that your body reacts to this underrated nourishment has severely derailed the sales.  I’ve seen many old men in the bean aisle loading up.  Beans aren’t bad I always think to myself, but you are being a bit aggressive here.

Tim Horton’s chili is actually passable.  This is a once every two week meal for myself.  The last 3 times that I’ve been to Tim Horton’s there have been multiple people to not only greet me, but it also feels like they were waiting for me.  It’s a strange sensation.  Usually, when traveling through the drive thru you can hear their tones of “holy fu**, another fu**ing car – when does it end?????”

Eating salad at a Subway seems like it’s wrong for some reason.  “You are going to use the same vegetables that you would put on a sandwich.  Who do you think I am… a peasant?”

Had a pleasant brisk walk to Smile Tiger Coffee today.  When I arrived they had War on Drugs cranked on the stereo.  Did the only logical thing – wandered around giving props to each person that worked there as they stared at me with a puzzled look on their face.

Ready Player One – 7.5/10

Isle of Dogs – 8.2/10

It’s extremely odd to react in any way when getting Id’d.  Just hand them your Government issued card.  Don’t get offended and don’t react like they just made your day.  They already feel uncomfortable asking for this.  Drawing attention to it will make it even worse.  Keep the line going and move on with your 6 Palm Bay’s and bottle of Rose.

Top 3 things that I didn’t know I had a knack for but I do:

3) Jumping into a conversation after figuring out that they thought I had said something different than I actually said. Sometimes I have a tendency to speak not only in a deep voice, but can also mumble.  This has given me the skill of this.   Here’s an example.

  • Would you like a bag?
  • No, I think I’m good
  • Yes, it has been busy here today. It comes in waves.
  • Well, at least that makes for a quick work day
  • Yes it does sir, have a great day

2) Knowing what food is in the household and the chances of it being close to expired.  ‘I bought that spinach on May 15th at 4:07 pm.  The expiry said that it would be fresh until May 22nd at 8:23 pm.’ Sara shoots me an odd glare and replies “What’s wrong with you?”

1) Picking out first dates at any location.  It could be a combination of their body language or how they are drinking or eating.  I’m sure it’s even more awkward to have a dude staring at them intently while he sips on his craft beer.

On the Way to Kincardine in the El Camino

I only know a few couples that would talk in a British accent for the entire evening for fun.  These couples all have the exact same things in common.  The man generally enjoys (and feels a weird satisfaction) cutting the lawn.  The woman likes to make cakes in her spare time.  They are like the human version of what a Glee Club would be if every part of the ensemble was manufactured into a human body.  It makes me happy and feel sick all at the same time.  It’s a strange sensation.

There are too many salad dressings.  I can’t be walking up and down that aisle for 7 minutes looking at new types.  Just give me the top 5 that’s required.  It always works the same way.  “Hmmm, wonder what sweet onion parmesan would taste like?”  It’s a big risk – I’ll have this bottle for a minimum of two months.  Can’t chance it.

Grocery stores do seem to have better music nowadays.  This could be a combination of a couple of things.  People my age are in charge of the stores or the more likely scenario; I’m just noticing it more now because I’m actually paying attention and not just trying to find the chip aisle at a mad pace.

There were times where I would walk by the magazine section.  Maxim would obviously be sitting there for all to look at.  Growing up in a small town you couldn’t be caught with a Maxim in your hand at age 17.  You would get that look from a neighbor.  You know the look.  “Oh, my goodness.  What’s that Smith boy up to?  He probably smokes as well.  My Bobby would never be doing this.”  Meanwhile Bobby is beer touring with Big Willy on a side road out by Molesworth.

Molesworth is a small town going towards Wingham.  You knew when you hit Molesworth that you might as well shut your brain off for 30 minutes.  All there is to do is smell cow dung and look at farm animals.  That Adam Sandler stand up CD better be entertaining; because if not – I’m stopping at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way to Kincardine.

El Camino’s are half truck and half car.  Whoever invented this was a bold person.  You have to think that if this idea fails I’m getting fu**ing canned.

There are two stuffed animals in our apartment.  I always have them facing me while sitting on the couch.  When I’m eating something that I probably shouldn’t be I look around the room – the stuffed sheep especially has a judgmental face.  This will sometimes stop me from eating the food, but more than likely I will just turn the sheep around to face the wall.

I don’t trust adults that wear backpacks while walking out and about.  I find it odd that you have prepared for wherever you are going so much that you have a full backpack of supplies.

Supply teaching would be a tough gig.  No rapport with the students.  They have no idea who you are.  You are trying to pick up where Mrs. Henderson left off.  Tommy is going to try to figure out how to push your buttons.  Tammy is going to take her cellphone out and Snapchat somebody giving you the finger while you are writing on the chalkboard.  It’s a no-win situation in my mind.

Top 3 things that they will have to speed through during tonight’s Oscars to keep my attention.

1) Lifetime achievement award. Bringing some 90 year old dude that would probably rather be eating soda crackers on the couch with Myrtle. This is not his scene.  Just mail him the award.

2) Best short film. Yup, there will never be a time in my life that I will say to myself. Maybe I should search for these 20 minute films that were short-listed for the Oscars.

3) What they are wearing Oscars commentators. If you showed me a dress that came from Old Navy versus Jean-Francois Beaulivier’s studded dress (this is all made up… I think) with fabric that can only be found in Southern France – I couldn’t tell the difference.

Modeling for the Lifestyle Section of the KW Record

What the hell was I doing before Spotify Premium?  Going through album reviews on Pitchfork, word of mouth, and full blown research on bands.  If I worked that hard at keeping in shape I could be doing photo shoots for the Lifestyle section of the Kitchener Record.

The idea of the Sunshine Girl and Boy in the Toronto Sun is outrageous.  This alone should be enough to tell you whatever political party the Sun is voting for that you should not.

Trudeau can nearly do anything that he wants and I will never think that it’s that bad because of Trump.  It’s kind of like when you are in a group of friends and one of them is always high on meth, in jail, or constantly plastered – it really doesn’t matter what happens; you will always be the golden boy that the wives will be ok with their husbands hanging out with.

Top 3 ways to make me instantly sad

3. Prevent me from petting a dog at a party. I will generally sneak a few pets in without Sara looking. She is allergic to dogs.  I think I have said that I didn’t want to go to a party if I couldn’t pet the dog.  This was a low point of my life.

2. Ask me to help you move. There isn’t an activity that I hate more than moving. At the start it’s ok, but after 10 minutes I begin to detest the things in the boxes.  “Screw you plates.  Haven’t used any of you in like a year, and you are heavy.”

  1. Anything to do with heights. I walked over a bridge in Collingwood and was nervous.  Then a child that was about 4 was jumping up and down on the bridge (which had me grabbing the side).  Not my finest moment.

Many of you know that I’ve retired from DJ’ing.  I’m actually surprised it took me this long to do it.  Everything about it is against my personality.  Forced to play music that I detest, being stressed out due to being in charge of an important part of someone’s big day, and dealing with drunk women.  Let me explain the last part.  Now, not all women are like this, but a higher percentage than you think.  Here’s the general outline of the evening for this type of female.

6 pm – Third glass of wine goes down smoothly

6:47 pm – Starting to get sick of the dinner music (even though dinner is still happening)

7:32 pm – First gin goes down smooth (dessert is beginning to finish)

8:04 pm – Classic rock dance begins – what is this DJ doing? (Old people are still in attendance)

8:43 pm – I’m requesting songs – generally have a well thought out list at this point.  “Excuse me fine sir, do you take requests?  I believe these fine songs will get the crowd moving and shaking.”  I think to myself what a pleasant woman.

9:36 pm – “He’s only played one of the six that I requested.  What’s he doing up there?  Nobody cares about the Beatles.  Paul McCartney can go fu** himself.”

9:56 pm – Slams a third shot of tequila “woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

10:32 pm – “You know what I want to hear? (Stands there for a second. I can see the hard drive in her brain struggling to spin) Ummmmmm, I forget what it is.  I’ll be back.”

11:28 pm – Voice level has raised.  It’s mostly just yelling random words in my ear.  I can usually make out the song though. “Dog, drunk, these shoes hurt, it’s hot in here, Despacito, Despacito, Despacito,” I’m assuming you want to hear Despacito?

12:24 am – “What’s the fu**ing song that goes huuuuum, muuuuaaah, saaaaaaaa.  You know the one.  It’s always on the radio.  Fu*****************” (there are about 23 people remaining.  Mixture of the family that have to clean up after and a wasted group of friends)

1:03 am – As I’m beginning to wind down the end.  “PLAY BABY’S GOT BACK” (Aunt June looks at me with disapproving eyes.  Sorry June, I have to do what she says.  I’m afraid of her)

1:09 am – I clean up at a mad pace

Anticipating 2017

I am not much for New Year Resolutions.  But, here’s a few things that I am going to attempt to curve or change for the upcoming year.

Limit my social media.  You would think that with the amount of things that are posted that you would actually learn something new or at least be able to have a chuckle at some thing.  This is not the case.  One thing is clear.  We find one topic and tear it apart until every single blade of the topic has been picked, and all that’s remaining is a wasteland of memes and wasted time.

Read more books.  There is so much good literature out there that nobody has ever heard of.  There isn’t a much more satisfying moment of setting that completed book down.  Hopefully this will equate to less of the above point.  This will require me to pay off my library fine unfortunately.  I feel that the library should send you a hand written letter when your book is super-overdue.  Also, if you are trying to right a wrong in retail; write a letter with pencil.  You will never see a company jump as quick as when head-office receives something written in pencil.

Look for more music.  There is quality music out there even if you don’t want to believe it.  Using Spotify and Apple Music has allowed me to find bands and solo artists that I never knew existed.  I am currently listening to Solange on Spotify, and it’s absolutely fantastic.  I know it’s extremely easy to get into that routine of only listening to what you know.  There are 75 radio stations that agree with you.  30 day challenge.  Find a solid album every 30 days, and post a review online about it.

See more live things.  Plays, music, stand up.  Need to support these artists.  There is so much talent out there, and they continue to struggle while fu**ing Chewbacca Mom becomes insta-famous.

Then there’s the obvious.  Eat healthier, hit the gym, less take out food.  This should always be a New Year goal for each and every person.

Stop eating those memberberries.  Reminiscing and focusing on when times were a certain way.  Brexit and Trump are both causes of memberberries.  People need to adjust to what the world creates.

Spend more face to face time with people.  Internet friends are cool, but nothing can replace the in person pint discussing what the Jays should do next with their ball club.

Try to only post original thoughts on Twitter and Facebook.  Need to keep this brain moving and shaking.  Can’t fall into the trap of complaining and trying to change every single thing that’s wrong with this world.

Farmers Market vegetables yo.  This is such an easy change.  There is a market that’s a 15 min walk from my place every Saturday morning.

Have a Happy New Year.

 

 

 

 

Challenging all People in Deck Shoes to a Duel.

I don’t DJ all that much now, but when I do I have to ask for help of what’s popular to dance to.  So…. Lady Gaga isn’t popular anymore?  What about Pearl Jam?  You don’t know who Pearl Jam is?  Well, let me show you Alive.  What do you mean this is terrible?

There isn’t a bone in my body that enjoys UFC.  It actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  They should have cute dogs barking at them while the neanderthals scrap.

It’s a well known fact that I am not good with children.  There is nothing to talk about with them.  But I did find out that telling them that they are a moron for thinking that The Secret Life of Pets is the best movie of the year is frowned upon.

Secret Life of Pets – 7.5/10

Rapping is extremely difficult.  Many times people have attempted it at karaoke, but most fail miserably.  Becoming out of breath by just talking seems like a waste of energy.

Tacos have become the new bacon.  I have grown tired of those memes.  Show me something original.  Medium sized white man wearing a pastel green shirt, asking for a box of gobstoppers for dinner.  It doesn’t make sense, but at least it’s original.

White Reebok shoes and a good pair of deck shoes would take you through a good 10 years of your life as a middle-aged man in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Foxy Hamilton is a good name for an Exotic Dancer or a Private Detective from Harlem in the late 70’s.

Purchased NHL 17 today.  There were two options.  The standard game for $49.99 or the game with the figurine of Vladimir Tarasenko for $49.99.  I stated that I would take the game with the action figure for $49.99.  I also stated that the action figure was for my nephew.  Then, I stated that I don’t know why I said that.  This was the end of this transaction.  A simple purchase that became horribly awkward by D Smith.

One thing that is probably a common saying in most people’s households today.  “Let’s have a burger tonight.  I am so fu**ing sick of turkey that I never want to eat it again.  Fu** you turkey.”  That might be a bit aggressive at the end, but at least the first part could be accurate.

Was never a huge fan of Toucan Sam.  Always thought his noise would find other cereals as well as Fruit Loops.  There many cereals that smell like sniffing a bag of sweet tarts.

There is an always an awkward time when people look around the room for the guy that was laughing when somebody got their head chopped of in a horror movie.  Sorry!  I don’t know why I find this humorous.

Top 3 Christmas moments if you received a horse as a gift.

  1. Pulling the horse along the icy sidewalk yesterday morning.  Oh, that would have been a treat.  “Come on Bucky, maybe you should have better shoes on?”
  2. Feeding the horse only Kraft Dinner to see what happens.
  3. Stating to people that you would like to challenge them to a duel while riding your horse triumphantly around Victoria St at 7am on Boxing Day morning.

 

 

 

Ghostbusters All-Dog Cast

There is something about going through a food lineup with a rectangular designed dinner plate that makes you feel like you did something wrong.

One of my unknown talents is that I can swallow about 6 pills at once. This talent is only useful as a 75 year old man or at an Armin Van Buren show.

I picked up dry cleaning like an adult yesterday. “Yes, yes, I am very important. Give me that suit. Business stuff going on. Did you get that chocolate stain out? I was eating a drumstick at an undesirable temperature.”

Adventure’s Guild in Kitchener is fantastic. Nearly every board game that I have ever heard of is available. Learning how to play a new board game when nobody in the group has ever played it before is always the same. You look around the group hoping somebody that is nodding that they actually understand the rules is just lying, and is secretly just as slow as you are.

Watched Little Shop of Horrors in St. Jacobs this past Thursday. It was incredible. Especially the sets. The dinner that was included was at the Stone Crock in St. Jacobs. Not incredible. It felt like I was eating food after I was awoken from the Matrix. Is there supposed to be flavor? They almost blew our minds when they attempted to serve us coffee at the beginning of the meal. It was all very confusing.

While waiting at red lights I watch Pedestrians as they cross the street to see if any of them stumble a little just to watch their reaction. They either play it cool, and act like nothing happened, or they go back to the part of the road that was the culprit, kick it to the point of satisfaction that nobody else will ever trip on it again. Either way – we in the cars know, and we enjoyed watching it happen.

I believe in some things that hippy-ish. Like, leaving a smaller footprint. Trying to use less resources. Living a simple life. Until, the mention of not even needing doctors. You can heal everything naturally. Yup, you had me until you mentioned Aliens Scientologists.

**Before people become offended and begin to write things on my Facebook defending Mother Nature’s cures for all. Know that this is a comedy blog, and I have discussed Hamburger Helper becoming a person, and using ketchup as a weapon**

Sara and I know for a fact that all plants are killable. “Sun and water? What about just air?”

Did you know lip chap only has that tingly feeling on your lips to make you think that it’s working? It does nothing for you. What’s next, Tang isn’t oranges just made into powder?
In I want to throw my brain off of a bridge because the TV is so bad news. 11 shows from the CW have been renewed.

Don’t know if anybody was keeping track, but I was 3 for 4 on my Oscar picks that were posted. I always feel like after I say anything like this that a child with snot running down his nose is going to put his hand up.

Ghostbusters 2 has an all-female cast. Put up your hands if you don’t care that it’s all-female. Keep your hands up if you know that they are going to remake these movies over and over again with males and females. Again keep your hands up if you could care less if it was an all-dog cast, and their barks were lasers that captured the ghosts into their mouths and they said “nummy” in a comedic way after they finished devouring the ghost.

Adapting to the New Age of Interaction

We are in the era of frauds and glossiness. You can create any type of social media personality that you like. People don’t know what’s real. If you only want to show one side of yourself you can do that. I think that it’s only going to get worse. When all you can see is how successful people are; or all of the cool things that they are doing. It makes you feel terrible about yourself. So when you feel awful about yourself you prefer not to have people see that side so you post fantastic things that you are doing. And the cycle goes on and on.

One thing that is certain is that nobody is as extraordinary or interesting as they appear to be on social media. If this was the case then I would constantly be traveling, going to concerts, watching movies, and drinking craft beer. Never a dull day in the life of Daryl Smith. It’s not very interesting writing that I just watched the news at the gym, went to work, and then came home to watch mindless TV for the next few hours. Who the hell wants to read about that?

Some people don’t require physical relationships with friends any longer. They can get their social need through online interaction only. I am not built this way, there is still a need in me to have social experiences being in the same room with other people. Not just through the screen of my computer. You can’t really look down upon this though. It’s just the evolution of mankind. We are currently in the awkward state of transition from in person to online. There is no stopping it. You can post as much as you like about putting your phones down in social atmospheres – it’s only going to continue to be more prevalent. Is it bad? I don’t know. It’s just evolution baby.

To think that your generation was so much better because you played outside is silly. Every generation believes that they had the best music, movies, upbringing, and people. Every generation complained about the previous generation. It’s so much more in your face this time because it’s online. I attempt to keep a balance. Going out when I am feeling a bit too suffocated. Trying to keep my emotions in check while flipping through my social media sites. Nobody in the world is having a better time than certain people on my Facebook feed. You need to remember what they were like when you actually knew them in person versus this entity that they created online.

There is also the other side of the social media spectrum. The people that air all of their grievances online. Festivus for the rest of us. All of their issues and all of their venom on social media fronts. For people that do this, this is the only side that we see. People roll their eyes at you while going through their feed. Think of social media as advertising for yourself. How do you want people to portray you? Most people have a small group of friends that they see on a consistent basis. Social media is the only way to interact with 90% of people that once knew you or know you through somebody else. Bad things happen to people, and there are injustices in this world on a daily basis. Choose what you decide to post wisely. Once it’s up there, it may stay up there for good.

What I do know is that regardless of how many memes you put up about people socializing the old-fashioned way, this freight train is not going to stop. Instead of complaining about it, find a balance. What works for you? Society will not move backwards on this front. You can only control how you interact with other people. Stop focusing on the way everybody else socializes, and please for the love of Ozzy Osbourne and all things that are awesome stop re-posting pictures of things that you remember from the past. Picture of an easy-bake oven. Re-post if you remember this. I don’t give a shit!

Till next time when I post something that probably contradicts with something else that I posted in the past. This is Hosehead. Have a great week. Now, time to get ready for my trip to the Canary Islands by having a craft beer, listening to vinyl, and purchasing tickets to see Kurt Vile in Buffalo.

John Scott feeling manly in Morocco

I went to see Black Sabbath 17 or 18 years ago when I was in college. I remember thinking then that this is going to be the last time that I see them, and Ozzy is surely going to die within the next 5-10 years. They are still going. They performed brilliantly in Hamilton recently. 8.3/10

Sara and I were in Morocco. If you ever want to see somebody stick out as a tourist, just watch me in my bright blue Jays cap attempt to weave through the streets of Marakeesh trying to go unnoticed. “What me a tourist. Oh I would love some tea in your carpet shop. What a nice guy.”

The Oscars are tomorrow. Leo will finally win his best actor award. And some bloggers will lose exactly 16% of their blogging material.

Why do people clap after the plane lands? The other option is crashing and dying. Denzel can fly one of these things wasted. Can’t be that difficult.

I went searching on the internet for what ISIS actually wants. Don’t bother, it’s just as crazy as you think it is.

Watched an episode of Fuller House. Uncomfortable grown up jokes, and one of the creepiest scenes of the whole gang recreating a scene of singing “Meet the Flinstones” to cheer up a cranky child. If you decide to delve into this madness you will never forget it and it will haunt your subconscious for days to come.

Dave Coulier is awful. Kanye and Dave should have a wrestling match. Winner gets to relocate with the Kardashian’s to the Arctic. Loser has to relocate with Alanis Morrisette to Antarctica. Either way Dave Coulier is screwed.

Have you ever been to a hotel before that is too hip for you? This happened to me in Paris. Everything was controlled by a tablet, and the check in was a self-check in. If the IKEA store turned into a person and created a hotel this is what it would create.

When you are in an airport for an extremely long time you begin to have arch-nemesis’ while there. Two ladies felt the wrath of my imagination after sneaking their way to the front of the line with their extremely excessive back packs.

How do we genetically make rabbits that enjoy cuddling? Is there a pill that we can give them? Maybe it’s a mix of MDMA and Heroin? Who is on this experiment? Sounds like money well spent.

John Scott is a man. He has all of the appearances of a full grown man. If you were to put him side by side beside me there is no way that people would think that I was older. I am 10 years older than this man. If we each got one punch. I am pretty sure that I would break my hand. I would also be concerned that I would be in the hospital for multiple days after receiving his punch.

Sometimes I hate alga-rhythms. After searching for Buffalo hotels to stay in after seeing Kurt Vile, I am then reminded multiple times that I am going to Buffalo.

Camels are not comfortable. Straddling a giant creature that is constantly itchy is slightly terrifying.

Top 3 ways to make people uncomfortable while they are throwing a house party.

3 – Start rummaging through their cupboards. Finding odd things and putting them on the counter. Premium Plus crackers check, Tylenol check, chocolate chip cookie mix check. Then just leave them on the counter and leave the room.

2 – Suggest doing shots at two in the afternoon.

1 – Start doing chores around their house for no reason. People get really upset if they think you think that their house is dirty.