Yahoo Serious cooking armadillo over an open fire at Rib Fest today

Every time it gets this hot it makes me think of putting on a mesh shirt, cut off jean shorts that show the pockets, and a pair of glasses that have that beautiful top frame. Kind of like this.

Rib Fest is currently going on. Sara and I are venturing down there after she is finished work. How many people have been turned to the dark side by bacon or ribs?

Started watching the show “Humans” recently. Very good scifi show about a group of androids that are able to think for themselves. And the people hunting them. 8.6/10

I have developed ways to move a tale forward told by a long-winded story teller. This only works if you have already heard the story. If you haven’t, you will need to suffer or just be a douche and walk away. You throw in key words that ruin mediocre story parts that are anti-climactic. Try it out. Just not on me, you dick.

A sleeveless Neo jacket from the Matrix is an outfit that we witnessed yesterday. When you put that on there is no telling where the night could end. Are you fighting crime, going to an underground club, or are you just going to the local Money Mart?

Nothing good ever happens when a group of people are holding sticks that have fire bellowing off of the end of it while walking in unison towards a building. If you are in that building, there is no reasoning with them. They have already made up their mind. And you should leave now.

Amy Schumur is the new sweetheart of the world. This seems to happen to us every year or so. We broke up with Jennifer Lawrence, and are now dating Amy Schumur. We are also still casually flirting with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as well. But it’s nothing. I swear it’s nothing.

(Pan-Am Games rant)

People are extremely upset about Kanye West being the entertainment for the closing ceremonies. They are just trying to sell tickets. What they should have done is have a Canadian act as the co-headliner. Arcade Fire, Drake, or even Hedley could have been the token Canadian act. Why are we so angry about this anyways? Most people didn’t want the games to begin with, and now we are getting upset about the act that they get to close the ceremonies. Yes, he is a megalomaniac. Yes, he is a jerk. But he is one of the biggest names in music and he sells tickets.

Back to regularly scheduled programming. There are people that can’t smell asparagus in their pee. It’s a very small percentage of people, and I wish I was one of them.

I know that there is consequences when I am going to eat a Blizzard. It’s a real balance with how good it’s going to taste, and how bad you are going to feel. Every bite is putting another bullet into the lactose gun. Maybe if I put more chocolate into it I will not be quite as injured? There are many ways you can tip the scales into a more favorable format, but in the end. You still lose, and so does your significant other.

Sometimes I felt bad for the gentle giant at parties. Every time some rough housing would start people would look to him to fix the situation. It was always the same guy that started shit. Now thinking back, the gentle giant should have had pepper spray. That always slows everybody down. Maybe not Jean Claude Van Damme, but the average 106 lb shit talker from Letterkenny, yes.

You had to be stoned to do the camera work for Polka Dot Door. Panning the camera over to a stuffed bear pretending that he is saying something witty is a weird job to have.

bear

Did Yahoo Serious ever sue the search engine Yahoo? He is probably in the outback cooking Armadillo over an open fire as we speak; looking at a “Young Einstein” poster with a single tear running down his face. He might not even know that the internet was created. Or did he create it? Things to think about on a balmy Sunday morning in the tri-cities.

Rapa Nui – 6.1/10 (early 90’s flick)

This is a movie about the aboriginal people that lived on Easter Island. The scenery is nice. Acting is ok. The only reason to watch it is that they have a training montage to prepare for the Birdman competition. No, Michael Keaton is not in this gem.

Top 3 things to do to prepare for Rib Fest.

1. Consume many vegetables the days leading up to the event.
2. Speak caveman, eat meat from bone
3. Put on a mesh shirt and a sleeveless Neo Matrix jacket

Distracting nose hair left at Bingeman’s by Brendan Fraser

The show Fortitude is excellent.  It’s like Fargo on drugs.

Went to Sheridan Nurseries to pick up some plants to help enhance the taste of the salads within our household.  This is a middle aged adults dream.  The excitement for attractive plants is at an all-time high in May.

It Follows – 9.2/10

The best horror movie of the year.  Shot like an ’80s movie.  Tense moments without using gore or the boogeyman tactic.

Black Sea – 7.8/10

Jude Law puts together a misfit crew to go after a sunken treasure after being let go from his job.  Law is terrific.  The premise of the movie is cool, but lacks execution in the end.  Still a good watch though.

If you haven’t been to Adventure Room, you must go. It’s one of the most original things to do in the KW area.  It’s like being in a video game yourself.  There are so many variations that are possible for this.  It will be the next big thing.

Block 3 in St. Jacobs was packed on Saturday.  I guess after being bored out of your mind antiquing in St. Jacobs you deserve a growler of fantastic beer.

Omar Khadr, you’ve got more class than the whole f—–g cabinet.  This was awkwardly said while the theme for Welcome back Kotter was played by Green Party leader Elizabeth May.  It was about as well received as Seth MacFarlane at the Oscars.

You always felt bad for that kid that had a parent that had no idea how to tie skates.  How their ankles didn’t break out there is beyond me.

Saying Scouts Honour shouldn’t be used anymore.  There is no question that you will be back stabbed if this is stated to you in a movie.

I hope that I never become that dude that has so much nose hair coming out that it’s distracting.  Do you think that shaping your nose hair into a moustache will ever become a style?  No, well then pluck your nose hair you greasy animal.

What do you think Brendan Fraser is doing right now?  He probably locked himself into that underground shelter from Blast From the Past.  His popularity was never higher at that point.  He probably has a stuffed Alicia Silverstone from Clueless down there as well.

“Sir” is the best title to have in front of your name.  “Captain” isn’t bad either.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao – probably could never live up to the hype.  It was about as exciting as receiving cheese and crackers in your lunch in grade 6.  You weren’t quite as exciting as yogurt, but a bit more exciting than the apple.

I had my first french vanilla from Tim Horton’s yesterday.  I didn’t sleep last night.  The combination of sugar and caffeine in that drink is similar to drinking straight syrup from the slurpee machine.

Cheers to those times that you get mad at your vacuum for not picking up that thing that you could pick up with your fingers very easily.   You just constantly go over the same thing.  “You are going to pick up this full potato chip whether you like it or not.”

The Blue Jays are .500.  What a surprise.  Meat Loaf and gravy for all.

There is going to be an electric dance music festival at Bingeman’s in Kitchener.  They have cabins and camping.  This is not going to end well for anybody.  I would rather have my child skateboard down the side of the 401 rather than go to this festival.

We are going to start to put the stickers with the years written of when the wine is at it’s best to drink on the side of the bottle.  It’s like we discovered fire 30 years after it was actually discovered when this was thought of by us.

Dairy Queen was a zoo yesterday.  You have two styles when you order food from Dairy Queen.  The quiet whisper of large blizzard or the overly aggressive “I will have Rolo, Reese, and Oreo in there.”

Mother’s Day was yesterday.  The constant ambush of baby pictures was put on hold for one day.  The cease fire will not last long.

Hozier has a terrific voice.  Take me to Church is a wonderful song.  Could you please play it every ninety seconds on multiple radio stations?  Thanks.

Is there a knuckleballers association that says that you must have at least one knuckleballer in Major League Baseball at all times.  There always seems to be a mid 40’s mediocre knuckleballer being run out there every 20 years or so.

Don’t sit on the roof if you are contemplating anything.  People always get the wrong idea.  Go sit on a bench in a park or something.  You don’t look stable up there.