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High-Fives for My Peeps

Posted on by Hosehead

As a human race, we were never supposed and we’re also not used to having every piece of knowledge at our fingertips. There have always been terrible things happening in the world but there has never been a time when we could get slapped in the face with it all at once. Add in the disinformation to manipulate the mass population to be swayed one way or the other and you’ve got a big ol’ bowl of “what’s the fu**ing point” soup. It’s really easy to get swept away by the giant picture and forget about the little things that make people happy.

It’s extremely difficult to get out of the negative mindset… even with the ability now to do more stuff, I’m still finding myself being pulled back in time and time again to stories and events that I cannot control – I see an injustice and I want to fix it but it’s overwhelming my brain seeing multiple struggles on the planet earth because I can only do so much… help so much. The billionaires that can do something about it, don’t. Yeah… depressing shit!

I’d like to offer up high-fives to those people that are fighting the uphill battle to help… Spending time with family members, getting involved in local events, helping small businesses, lending a hand to people in need, coaching a kid’s sports teams, taking an interest in their significant other’s hobbies, staying active, posting positive things online, learning to play an instrument, cutting back on their social media, using less filters for their pictures – because you’ve accepted yourself, stopping their obsession with celebrities, travelling to other parts of the world, telling others they have done a great job, messaging a teacher from back in the day that had an importance in your life today, being there for someone that needs it, checking in on someone that might also need it, mentoring someone, picking up a new skill, trying something new, making people laugh, going out of your way to help, holding the door open for an elderly person, buying a meal for anybody, complimenting someone on their look/attire, reviewing movies online, supporting live music, then posting about it… you folks deserve a high-five, and are what’s going to help us get over these dark days until Starfleet has a chance to be formed.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the bullshit of the world that to pull yourself out of it, do some good. I can guarantee it’ll make you feel better about the earth and who lives on it.

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Wearing a Hawaiian Shirt at Tim Horton’s

Posted on by Hosehead

Sara and I have been trying to watch documentaries every Sunday morning. We watched one recently that told a story about voter suppression within the United States. The main storyline talked about Stacey Abrams running for Georgia Governor and how the entire system is meant to keep people down. The quick definition of voter suppression… it’s a strategic way to influence an election by discouraging people or making it difficult for people to vote. The documentary is called All In: The Fight for Democracy (100% of Rotten Tomatoes). It should be watched by every single person – especially now with Freedom chants coming from folks in Canada about lifting (in my opinion – yes, I know others feel strongly about this, I’m not one of them) very minor mandates. This is a real struggle that continues to happen really close to home even today. It put everything into perspective for me and was the exact shot in the arm that I needed to fully understand that the rich and powerful will do anything possible to stay at the top.

Now that this is out of my system… back to your regularly scheduled programming.

This seems par for the course for Covid times, but my bi-annual colonoscopy and endoscopy is on Sara and my wedding anniversary. Nothing more romantic than arriving back home after being probed and prodded, and being asked… “everything cool with your bum Mr. Pooks?”

On the document that needs to be filled out for the preparation of the colonoscopy, there’s a question that asks… “have you had this procedure before and was it comfortable?”  Like, did I enjoy it? Or, was it tolerable? What kind of question is this?

My average screen time is shown to me every Sunday at around 8 am. Maybe they should change it to make me feel like even more of an addict when they post it. “Hey loser, you looked at 26 articles about your shi**y Philadelphia Flyers – maybe pick up a book sometime A**hole”.

The first Sunday that football isn’t on after having it for a few months is weird… like, what do you do at 1 pm now? Do I start gambling on reality cooking shows? Is there a Red Zone version for curling? Does Jamaica still have a bobsled team? I don’t remember owning that shirt that I’m wearing in a 15-year-old Facebook picture.

For years, I was a big fan of Tim Horton’s coffee. I’d buy a double-double and eat a muffin every single morning. Not until years later did I realize that this not only was an unhealthy way to start the day but shaking from sugar withdrawal was not healthy? Apparently, being able to see electricity because of your caffeine and sugar highs “isn’t great” for your body.

I use the professional version of Grammarly for business emails and for my blogs. There are currently so many blue underlines for better ways to phrase sentences that I’m shortly going to say… “why don’t you write the fu**ing blog di**”

Sitting in a Steamroom with Roger Gaston

Posted on by Hosehead

The world of the selfie is strange.  “Here I am sitting on a couch – well I’m thinking I should take a picture of myself and pot it.”  Could you imagine doing that before the smartphone?  Take the film into the camera place and it’s just headshots of you.  The camera shop dude would probably think that you are either a model or an actor.  “Nope, just felt like taking a picture of my face after finishing an episode of ‘Cheers’ – might put it up on the fridge even.”

Joined the gym again – I’m back at Movati.  It’s got a few nice bonuses there.  There’s a pool, hot tub, steam room, sauna, smoothie bar, basketball court, etc… So far the steam room is the place with the most entertainment.  Old dudes just don’t give a fu** – the towel is barely hanging on – spreading those legs out for comfort.  Talking politics, weather, sports, or whatever other small talk topics that are common. I’m happy that I need my glasses to see properly.  I sit there with the head down making weird noises that are commonly heard while middle-aged men are attempting to relax.  Like all of the stresses from the week are being put into a puddle on that steam room floor.

Sara and I went to the Dominican over the holidays.  It was a nice week of rest and relaxation.  They offer a VIP package at the resort that we declined.  The extra perks were your own pool area, a bar that only that group could go to, and premium liquor.  While eating at the restaurant I could see into the bar area.  There was a dude sipping a Heineken watching the Bills/Patriots game.  He’d bust out a laugh every so often while chatting with the bartender.  They were having a grand old time.  I envision this man’s name is Roger Gaston from Quebec.  He hunts whales in the winter and owns a sweatshop in China.  Roger, you don’t deserve this luxury.  Sara stopped listening after I started whining about the Heineken being drunk.

End of year benefits season is over.  I still had some wellness dollars left on the last day and needed to use every last dollar.  I’m now the proud owner of a Navage and 3 dozen golf balls.  If you’ve never seen the Navage it’s that crazy device that you put up into your nostrils to clear out your sinuses.  Even a few years back when I saw the commercial I started laughing at how ridiculous it looked.  The bastard works – it’s extremely gross though.  I always wonder if it could pull the crayon out of Homer’s brain from that episode of the Simpsons.

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Neil Peart passed away.  I wasn’t a huge Rush fan but Tom Sawyer really gets me jazzed up.  I think they should rotate the $5.00 bill every five years between Terry Fox, Gord Downie, Neil Peart, and manly (bearded) Justin Trudeau.

The family all pitched in and gave my nephew a Nintendo Switch for Christmas.  Precisely as predicted the first time I saw it being used it was the adults that played it while my nephew had to wait his turn.  “Just one more game Milo…  I know you’ve been waiting 2.5 hours, but this time I swear we’ll let you play it.”

My first real job was delivering a weekly paper to a neighborhood.  As soon as I got the job I thought to myself – I’m going to save 25% of it, give another 25% to charity, and then take the other 50% and spend it on CDs.  My first paycheque was $14.00.  I bought a Florida Marlins hat and then quit that stupid job.

The Lighthouse – 8.6/10

Brittany Runs a Marathon – 8.1/10

Cats – 9.2/10 (I actually didn’t see this movie – this rating is based on how much joy reading the reviews has given me)

As a teenager, I remember getting braces.  There was no option of Invisiline at that point – just grey steel.  Couldn’t they at least make it closer to teeth colour?   “No, no, we need the entire school to know that your teeth were fu**ed up.   Wait until your face gets full of acne as well.  All the bullying will toughen you up Daryl.”

Top 3 things that the majority of children were able to do with ease, but I struggled with it.

3 – Tying my shoes:  It took me quite a bit longer than the average child to pick this up.  I blame being a lefty (pretty shit excuse, I know).  I thought to myself one day.  “Well, I guess its Velcro shoes for life.  It won’t look weird being 38 and rocking grey Velcro shoes will it Mom?”

2 – Climbing a rope:  There were kids that would just whip up that rope in mere seconds.  I’d get two feet up and try to go without using my feet like I was Sly Stallone or something.  There wasn’t a lot of strength in the arms at that point (I lost multiple arm wrestling matches to young children).  I’d jump down and my gym teacher would shake his head disapprovingly.  After a few times, I would stretch my arms while grimacing to try to fake a slight injury.

1 – Going down the stairs like a normal human being:  I would put one foot on a step and then the other foot on the same step.  It would take me twice as long to go downstairs then the average child.  This one still boggles my mind, and I have no explanation for this.

Pocketing Discounted Halloween Candy in a Pink Floyd Jean Jacket

Posted on by Hosehead

My entire team dressed as me for Halloween.  I’ve got a few quirks that they nailed (two glasses of water, cold-pressed juice, scowl, beard, leather jacket, legs crossed, etc…).  I assumed that they were up to no good when I kept on receiving texts asking when I was going to get in.  My new car was supposed to be picked up a couple of hours earlier but I thought I would relax a bit and allow the team to sweat.  I almost decided to not go in at all to really throw them off – didn’t have the heart to do that, unfortunately. It was pretty cool to see a bunch of mini-Daryl’s.

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One thing about a beard is that it can get out of control quickly if you don’t keep an eye on it.  Got up one morning and was a little bit foggy.  While looking in the mirror I could have really passed for a man that has lived in the wilderness for years.  My salesman hands would give it away that this was not the truth.  I’ve had to get others in the office open up difficult bottles.

I’ve made it my mission to try to not talk about how winter is coming as a small talk topic.  This is nearly impossible as every person that is an acquaintance speaks about this first.  When I respond with “buttery popcorn makes my hands greasy”  as a response they usually look confused and leave.  Maybe this is ok…

Terminator: Dark Fate – 7.2/10

Zombieland 2 – 5.2/10

Caribou is playing an extremely tiny venue in the New Year.  They’ve become extremely big and this could be a rare thing to happen going forward.  While seeing them in Guelph years ago I had a chance to meet Dan Snaith (the mastermind behind the band).  He was sitting in this weird green room right by the washroom.  Thought it might be awkward to have him sign my vinyl after coming out of the can though.

Just completed the necessary week of sugar intake.  Discount Halloween candy is impossible to say no to.  “Why yes, I do need 90 mini chocolate bars for $5.00.”  After 7 of them, you begin to feel sick.  Then you do this daily until the box is gone.  Rinse and repeat the following year.

Had to YouTube how to start my new car. I’m sure the dude that sold it to me was trying to figure out what was going on.  It’s a push-button and the brakes need to be held down while pressing the button.   I also had to YouTube how to open the gas tank.  If it wasn’t for YouTube I’d still be sitting in a parking lot in London.

Top 3 very small town things that I did as a teenager.

3) Threw ice cubes off of the cows that would approach the fence for fun.  I really found it hilarious that they would just stare at me and not even be affected by the ice cubes.  Had hours of fun with this one.

2) Wore a Pink Floyd jean jacket (I’m not sure how small town this is but should be brought up) out to the mound during my pitching days.  This combined with a hefty mullet looked extremely intimidating – this allowed complete domination of Walkerton and Kincardine on a consistent basis.

1) Getting stuck while on a beverage tour (drive to a side road and drink “beverages”).  The snow started to come down heavily.  As we discussed the Chemistry test (this is how it’s remembered by me anyways) that was just taken – the group decided that we’d be fine.  This was not the case and required a farmer with a tractor to get us out of the ditch.  His head shake (you bunch of idiots) was classic.

Checking out Local Libraries in Las Vegas

Posted on by Hosehead

Was in Vegas recently for a conference.  It’s really a shot to the senses there.  Characters everywhere, flashing lights, giant crowds, money being thrown around, alcohol flowing, and degenerates all about.  Perfect place to bring a child if you want them to see the worst part of humanity all at once.  I do really love it there.

Went to Steeltown (Pittsburgh) a week later for a baseball and golf trip with a few buddies.  You’d really like to think that we got up to no good.  Well, the one night we did hit three bars and had appetizers at all three of them.  Then ended up at a duelling piano bar.  We almost decided to go to the local library but thought we had enough for one evening.

The drive is extremely pleasant to Pittsburgh.  Once you get used to their obsession with fireworks and focus on the mountains instead you’re instantly put into a good mood.  Their ability to combine ridiculous things in one store is impressive.  Fireworks and Karate supplies was a good example of this.  “Honey, we need to grab nunchucks, a ninja star, and some fireworks.  Look online to see if there’s a local store that provides all of this in one location.”

Old Vegas has kind of a cool vibe.  Until you actually want to go to bed.  There’s live music cranked until around 3 am.  When you are sitting in your hotel room it feels like you are inside of Miley’s Cyrus’ head and are attempting to find a safe place to hide but she’s coming to get you with all of the drugs shortly.

Bill Callahan is my new favourite summer vibe.  He just speaks to an acoustic guitar with lyrics that flow effortlessly to the next verse without really making any sense.  Bill Callahan also seems like the name of a guy that a 63-year-old man would meet for breakfast every other Sunday at a restaurant called Buddy’s Place. They are known for the $3.99 special – with endless coffee.  Bill Callahan stays there for a minimum of 2 hours – then Gloria calls to remind him that she has to head out to get her hair down.

Heading to a cottage for the long weekend.  I just enjoy being around water.  Don’t even need to go in it.  Calming nature noises and a body of water is good for the soul.  Until the damn mosquitos come out.  There’s nothing more enraging than being eaten alive by those fu**ers.  What evolutionary purpose do they have?  Bugs that constantly search for blood.  When they get the blood they make an extremely annoying itchy bump.  They should change the name of Mosquitos to fu**ing a**holes.

While writing all of that I scratched myself 4 times and my blood pressure rose by a significant amount.  Wonder what Bill Callahan is up to right now – bet you it’s something cool?

Went to the horse races recently.  This was a team event for work.  It never really occurred to me that we’d be the youngest group there by about 30 years.  This was pointed out to me by a colleague asking me to count how many people had grey hair there.  After 10 I stopped and said that they had proved their point.  Then they wanted me to continue on.  This person no longer works with me (just kidding – I’m hilarious I know).

Pretty sure I’d be dead within 3 minutes if I fought in World War II.

Top 3 worst shirts that I’ve worn/owned at any point of my life.

3 – White Zombie 666 Bad Mutha Fu**a.  I was asked to take this shirt off in high school.  At the time I was somewhat rebellious (mostly not – this was an act).  I put up a bit of a stink and was sent to the Principal’s office (I pretended to have an attitude but I was actually very terrified).

2 – Big Johnson – Softball “slow or fast have a blast”.  Ladies couldn’t resist a gangly, geeky, 6’0” tall dude with this shirt on.  Surprised that I was single for so long.

1 – Beavis and Butthead Tommy Pull My Finger.  Don’t even need to crack a joke about this one.  I wore it on my 19th birthday to the strip club in Waterloo.  A waitress asked me what I wanted to drink and I instantly went to grab for my ID.  Really played it cool Daryl.

Watching Gritty get Inducted into the Level of Excellence

Posted on by Hosehead

Sitting in Smile Tiger having a muffin and a tea while writing this.  This is not a common occurrence.  This is mainly because I don’t want Sara to come home to a bachelor pad.  I’ve hired a cleaning lady to take care of things.  Some would call that laziness; others would call that smartly outsourcing.

Gritty (the new Flyers mascot) is absolutely my favourite thing right now.  There was an ad that had Jimmy Fallon and Ricky Gervais dancing in a room and Gritty wanders by and decides to get involved in the dance party.  Ricky and Gritty start shoving each other which ends up turning into a fight with Fallon trying to break it up.  Amazing!

Read an article about John Gibbons getting a spot in the level of excellence.  One division title, two playoff appearances, and .501 winning percentage over 11 or 12 years.  Only in Toronto would this be considered “excellence”.  Remember joke blog.  Please for the love of all things that are actually excellent don’t go down the rabbit hole of “I love Gibby” comments.  Stop typing, don’t do it, don’t hit enter… Damn it!

I’ve booked a trip to Arizona with a buddy of mine.  It’s always enjoyable to spend 4-5 days pretending like you are a retired old white man.  The streets are wide (not sure how anybody could possibly get into an accident), everybody is moving at a slow to even slower pace, conversations are only about sports or the weather.  I find this enjoyable for a very small amount of time.

I tried out for a football team when I was in Grade 9.  The thought was that I was very accurate throwing a baseball – football should translate well.  My first practice I took a fairly decent hit.  That was the end of the football dream.

There are at least 6-7 dogs that I know personally that I’m fairly certain I could beat in a 100 metre race.  I’m not talking tiny dogs – full size dogs.  Dogs don’t have the same motivation for success as humans.  I even know a few dogs that would fake an injury.  “oh, my poor paw, I stepped on a rock.” Quoting dogs is weird.

Went to the Rock Spa recently.  They have this steam shower thing that’s somewhat cool.  You sit on this stool and steam begins to rise from the floor.  It does feel kind of like you’re in a gas chamber, but once you get over that sensation it’s kind of neat.  They have a radio in there as well.  I assumed that the music would be pre-set to something soothing.  Nope, Bruno Mars was being ripped while steam filled my insides.  I did quickly think to myself “Well, this is how I go out”.

When I pass away I would like the line of funeral cars to go onto the 401 all the way to Toronto during rush hour.  This would entertain me from a distance.

You would think being a 40-year-old man that I could take care of myself properly.  Went camping recently with the family and I forgot my belt, toothbrush, and almost my pillow (twice).  Standing up to go to the bathroom I had to hold my pants up.  Brushed my teeth with my finger.  There is no way another human could be trusted in my care.

How many people in Canada and the US have been named Art or Chet in the past 10 years?  I’m going to go with under 90 people in total.  Chet always seemed to be the name of a dude that had one too many Bud Light’s and was going to pick a fight with a nerd (his words not mine). “Hey, why don’t you grab a book and read it.”  That was always Chet’s top insult.  Really got Art and Morris going.

 

Looking back on the summer I feel that it was one of the best weather wise in the past decade.  I give Mother Nature 9.2/10 for this past summer.  You are up in Radiohead album rating territory Mother Nature.  You should be very proud of yourself.

Eating Dandelions in Paris with Street Performers

Posted on by Hosehead

I’ve taken a couple days off to rent a little house in Paris.  One thing that is noticeable when grabbing a place in this sleepy little town is that the conversations with the house owner really feels like you’ve been transported back in time.  “Oh, you’ll have to go out and see the deer with their fawn at 3 pm when the children all go out as well.  Then there’s Henry the Heron – you can see him from the patio.  You might get a glimpse of the beaver family as well.  They usually come out at around 5 pm.”  I have not said a word and it’s been a 23 min conversation.  Somehow, I feel more at ease and have just had a slice of homemade apple pie without knowing it.

Watched the first two episodes of Rostered On.  It’s a comedy about an electronic retail big box shop in the UK.  The jokes hit a little too close to home.  There was a scene about a man that had the settings on his toaster at the highest settings and complained that his burnt toast was from a faulty toaster.  The next thing that I remember is rocking in a corner with my Future Shop uniform clutched tight to my chest mumbling something about not being able to return a USB flash drive.

Is the World Cup over yet?  Generally, I don’t detest any single nation.  Every four years or so I find myself cheering only against one team – Portugal.  The reason is out of pure entertainment.  The fans are the most over-the-top whiners that I’ve witnessed.

Can’t imagine having the hoarding disorder.  There was a time that Sara and I did have a messy house, but this was caused by sheer laziness and not wanting to hold onto stuff.  There has never been a time that I thought “Oh, maybe this hairnet from the hotel will come in handy in a few years.  We should keep it around the house.  Especially since I’ve never used one in my life.”

The one thing that I don’t miss about living in a small town is knowing everything about everyone.  I don’t need to know what Mrs. Jackson’s two children’s marks were in Math in Grade 8.  I need space in my brain for old hockey trades and the name of the first album by the Beta Band.

How do you get into the street performer profession?  I’m not talking about the guitar players.  I’m referring to the break dancers, jugglers, etc…  Baking out in the sun and juggling fu**ing knives seems like the absolute last thing that I would ever want to do, let alone practice.  You have to spend countless hours becoming an expert in this craft.    The more re-tracing that I do on this profession the more ridiculous that it seems.  What’s the pinnacle – Vegas?  Nobody is looking up the stats on knife jugglers?  Well, one person – me, but nobody else.

An Ice Cream Truck recently came to my work.  As many co-workers ran out with glee to the ice cream truck they were turned away by the man – he was meant to go across the road to another tech company.  Many were sad, and a few confused on why he wouldn’t serve paying customers anyways.  The rest of the day just couldn’t live up to the moment of seeing that beautiful multi-coloured truck pull in and park for just that minute.  This life in tech moment has been brought to you by TWB Coop Brewery.  Where every day is like a Mumford and Sons concert.

Top 3 things that I knew as a child that other children didn’t seem to know/care about

3) Dandelions are not delicious.  There are thousands of these things everywhere.  They don’t even look tasty.  Had one of those yellow petals and it tasted bitter.  Little Georgie would just power through a minimum of 6 or 7 of these a day.  He’d have yellow stains on his pants.  Georgie didn’t have many friends – except the dandelions.

2) Being timed to get things by your parents is a trick.  “I will get this thing for you, but it will cost you a minimum of three chips old man.”

3) Getting dirty sucks.  “Alright man, you can roll around in that puddle if you want Joe.  Seems like a huge mistake to me.  You are going to look like sh** and your Mom is going to light you up when you get home.  Well, there you go.  Remember this conversation when you get home, yup lap it up like a dog as well – real smart Joe.”

Burying Money in the Amazon on Canada Day

Posted on by Hosehead

My favorite meme that I’ve seen recently is that we should be careful of setting off fireworks because it might frighten dogs in the neighborhood.  Also, please stop with rainstorms as well.  We need to protect the dogs from all of the loud noises.  Dogs need to toughen up.  As a species, you’ve become soft in your old age.

Do people still bury money?  There are only three reasons that you bury money.  You’ve obtained it illegally, you don’t know how banks work, or you’ve started to crack mentally.  How many movies that I’ve seen where there is some weird treasure buried in some really remote area that has one fu**ing map to get there? You need a minimum of two maps I’m thinking.  How long did it take you to make all of these booby traps in the middle of the Amazon?  How did you get there in the first place?  Bury it under old man Baker’s flower garden in Tavistock.  Nobody is looking there.

It’s hilarious how much stuff the millennial generation gets blamed for.  Sometimes I just like to pile on.  Millennials broke the damn earth.  All of us older generations are trying to put it back together with good old-fashioned prayers and denial like normal people of the past.  Also, music nowadays sucks, and quit whining about the lack of money that you make – so annoying.

Played golf yesterday.  Had to throw out my undershirt after.  Sometimes I miss my wife being around so that I can walk through that door covered in sweat and just annoy here with affection for a minimum of 7 minutes.  It then becomes uncomfortable because she is actually starting to get upset.  I then go in for one last hug and receive a slightly more aggressive push.  This is when I know to stop.

First Reformed – 9.3/10

Warning:  Do not go see this movie if you are feeling slightly sad or depressed.  It’s a beautiful movie about a Pastor that starts to see the truth in the way the environment is being treated as his faith gets tested.

I’ve searched becoming a hand model twice since the internet was created.  Both times were within a week of re-watching the Seinfeld episode, and feeling unsatisfied with Future Shop.  My hands are not beautiful enough to do this even though I’ve done under 9 hours of hard labor in my life.

I worked at the shop for 13 years.  The thing that I remember most is that I had a customer that came to see me all of the time named Hung Lo.  Really enjoyed that.

Was having dinner at TWH Social, since Sara isn’t home this is sometimes done on my own.  They had a dude up there playing the acoustic guitar just for me.  There wasn’t another person in the bar.  This is an extremely uncomfortable situation for both parties.  Do I clap after each song?  Do I pretend that he doesn’t exist?  Do I tell him to stop?  I just want to watch the ball game in peace.  After a few songs, I heard the dreaded.  “Hey, buddy, any particular song that you want to hear?”  Ah fu**, I’ve been called out.  I respond with the totally awkward.  “No man, you are doing great.”  This was said with a thumbs up.

Who wakes up at 6:14 am on Canada Day morning?  Debated going for a walk before it got hot out.  Then grabbed a coffee and began writing.  Have to grab a garbage can later on today, but that’s about my only set in stone plans.  Might take a walk through Victoria Park with the family.  Real wild day – might need an afternoon nap.

Top 3 themes for your Canada Day party:

3) Cut off jean short party for men only.  Combine this with a sports shirt and you have a winning party.  Women can’t resist this beautiful look.

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2) Child games as adults.  Get involved a drunk-ass game of Duck Duck, Goose or tag.  This usually ends in violence due to Mark forgetting the rules of children’s game getting ripped on for the evening.

3) Mushrooms or weed?  There are dozens of cookies and brownies.  You must continue to eat them until you guess three in a row correctly.

Walking Down the Bean Aisle on a First Date

Posted on by Hosehead

May two-four weekend is nearing its end.  I’d like to think that I had fond memories of this weekend in particular in the past, but this is not the truth.  Generally, every May two-four started the same.  Weather looks decent during the day, but nobody seemed to care (or looked) that it was going down to 7 degrees at night.  We then would rock a total summer tent with a sleeping bag that was manufactured in Vietnam for 30 degree evenings.  Gordo would state the following line that we would believe at the time “Drink more whiskey – that will keep you warm”.  Slater would throw a picnic table on top of the fire, Vicky would be barfing outside of her tent, and Ox would be talking about grocery shopping in his sleep. Then the next day it would all start again.

One May two-four many moons ago I had an unfortunate incident.  My parents had just purchased me a beautiful Green Bay Packers jacket for Christmas.

Packers jacket

This jacket could fit 12 cans of Budweiser in the pocket out front.  Confidently I strutted around the camp site opening a beer whenever I damn well pleased.  As the evening progressed somebody threw a can of beans in the fire.  Knowing that this was supposed to blow up I took shelter with everybody else behind trees. The can did make a popping noise but no beans came screaming out.  I wasn’t going to be fooled by this again.  The same joker threw another can of beans in the fire.  All the fools were taking shelter – I was spending no extra energy getting behind a tree three feet away. I’ve outsmarted everybody I thought to myself. This was a mistake.  You could hear the can beginning to steam (this was my first doubt that I’d made the right decision).  This was followed by an explosion.  Beans had covered not only the beautiful green and gold, but my entire face.  On top of this part of the can had burned through the arm of the jacket.  There was a valuable lesson learned in all of this.  Don’t go camping on May two-four weekend.

Beans used to be a common household item for most families I believe.  The nature of the way that your body reacts to this underrated nourishment has severely derailed the sales.  I’ve seen many old men in the bean aisle loading up.  Beans aren’t bad I always think to myself, but you are being a bit aggressive here.

Tim Horton’s chili is actually passable.  This is a once every two week meal for myself.  The last 3 times that I’ve been to Tim Horton’s there have been multiple people to not only greet me, but it also feels like they were waiting for me.  It’s a strange sensation.  Usually, when traveling through the drive thru you can hear their tones of “holy fu**, another fu**ing car – when does it end?????”

Eating salad at a Subway seems like it’s wrong for some reason.  “You are going to use the same vegetables that you would put on a sandwich.  Who do you think I am… a peasant?”

Had a pleasant brisk walk to Smile Tiger Coffee today.  When I arrived they had War on Drugs cranked on the stereo.  Did the only logical thing – wandered around giving props to each person that worked there as they stared at me with a puzzled look on their face.

Ready Player One – 7.5/10

Isle of Dogs – 8.2/10

It’s extremely odd to react in any way when getting Id’d.  Just hand them your Government issued card.  Don’t get offended and don’t react like they just made your day.  They already feel uncomfortable asking for this.  Drawing attention to it will make it even worse.  Keep the line going and move on with your 6 Palm Bay’s and bottle of Rose.

Top 3 things that I didn’t know I had a knack for but I do:

3) Jumping into a conversation after figuring out that they thought I had said something different than I actually said. Sometimes I have a tendency to speak not only in a deep voice, but can also mumble.  This has given me the skill of this.   Here’s an example.

  • Would you like a bag?
  • No, I think I’m good
  • Yes, it has been busy here today. It comes in waves.
  • Well, at least that makes for a quick work day
  • Yes it does sir, have a great day

2) Knowing what food is in the household and the chances of it being close to expired.  ‘I bought that spinach on May 15th at 4:07 pm.  The expiry said that it would be fresh until May 22nd at 8:23 pm.’ Sara shoots me an odd glare and replies “What’s wrong with you?”

1) Picking out first dates at any location.  It could be a combination of their body language or how they are drinking or eating.  I’m sure it’s even more awkward to have a dude staring at them intently while he sips on his craft beer.

On the Way to Kincardine in the El Camino

Posted on by Hosehead

I only know a few couples that would talk in a British accent for the entire evening for fun.  These couples all have the exact same things in common.  The man generally enjoys (and feels a weird satisfaction) cutting the lawn.  The woman likes to make cakes in her spare time.  They are like the human version of what a Glee Club would be if every part of the ensemble was manufactured into a human body.  It makes me happy and feel sick all at the same time.  It’s a strange sensation.

There are too many salad dressings.  I can’t be walking up and down that aisle for 7 minutes looking at new types.  Just give me the top 5 that’s required.  It always works the same way.  “Hmmm, wonder what sweet onion parmesan would taste like?”  It’s a big risk – I’ll have this bottle for a minimum of two months.  Can’t chance it.

Grocery stores do seem to have better music nowadays.  This could be a combination of a couple of things.  People my age are in charge of the stores or the more likely scenario; I’m just noticing it more now because I’m actually paying attention and not just trying to find the chip aisle at a mad pace.

There were times where I would walk by the magazine section.  Maxim would obviously be sitting there for all to look at.  Growing up in a small town you couldn’t be caught with a Maxim in your hand at age 17.  You would get that look from a neighbor.  You know the look.  “Oh, my goodness.  What’s that Smith boy up to?  He probably smokes as well.  My Bobby would never be doing this.”  Meanwhile Bobby is beer touring with Big Willy on a side road out by Molesworth.

Molesworth is a small town going towards Wingham.  You knew when you hit Molesworth that you might as well shut your brain off for 30 minutes.  All there is to do is smell cow dung and look at farm animals.  That Adam Sandler stand up CD better be entertaining; because if not – I’m stopping at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way to Kincardine.

El Camino’s are half truck and half car.  Whoever invented this was a bold person.  You have to think that if this idea fails I’m getting fu**ing canned.

There are two stuffed animals in our apartment.  I always have them facing me while sitting on the couch.  When I’m eating something that I probably shouldn’t be I look around the room – the stuffed sheep especially has a judgmental face.  This will sometimes stop me from eating the food, but more than likely I will just turn the sheep around to face the wall.

I don’t trust adults that wear backpacks while walking out and about.  I find it odd that you have prepared for wherever you are going so much that you have a full backpack of supplies.

Supply teaching would be a tough gig.  No rapport with the students.  They have no idea who you are.  You are trying to pick up where Mrs. Henderson left off.  Tommy is going to try to figure out how to push your buttons.  Tammy is going to take her cellphone out and Snapchat somebody giving you the finger while you are writing on the chalkboard.  It’s a no-win situation in my mind.

Top 3 things that they will have to speed through during tonight’s Oscars to keep my attention.

1) Lifetime achievement award. Bringing some 90 year old dude that would probably rather be eating soda crackers on the couch with Myrtle. This is not his scene.  Just mail him the award.

2) Best short film. Yup, there will never be a time in my life that I will say to myself. Maybe I should search for these 20 minute films that were short-listed for the Oscars.

3) What they are wearing Oscars commentators. If you showed me a dress that came from Old Navy versus Jean-Francois Beaulivier’s studded dress (this is all made up… I think) with fabric that can only be found in Southern France – I couldn’t tell the difference.