Fixing the Election With a Slathering of Paint

Yesterday was the first day that it felt like summer.  As per usual nobody prepared for it while sitting on a patio at lunch time.  It’s always the same mentality.  “I’m invincible against the sun because of the lack of sunshine that I’ve received over the past 6 months.  Why am I wearing long sleeves and jeans?  Why am I melting?  Was the sun always this hot?”

Mini pitcher specials on a patio are dangerous.  I need to drink this at least 1.8x faster than a normal beer due to the temperature outside.  It’s also lunchtime – probably shouldn’t consume alcohol that quickly.  On the other hand, it is Friday, and mini-pitcher specials aren’t going to last forever (here they actually do).

The NDP is coming across like a desperate girlfriend calling me right now.  “Hey… remember that one time when we had a really great time together.  We could have that again.  Give me a call back.  Or, you could just text me your credit card details.  Send cash in a crow’s mouth, drop off empties at our downtown Kitchener office – whatever works for you.   Actually I’m not sure how this relates to a desperate girlfriend, and I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite this.

People always get up in arms about the election.  Here’s the simple way who to vote for.

PC:  Don’t take my money.  I’ve worked hard to gain this money and would prefer keeping the majority of it – if others can’t make this kind of money it’s not my problem.  Would rather not think about people that need help with any issues (not always).

NDP:  Require Government help with the same things the PC people (not always) don’t want to believe exist.  Don’t make a lot of money.  Are you in your 20s-30s? Money (or things money can buy) isn’t the first thing that comes up when thinking of the pursuit of happiness (they may turn into a PC person when acquiring more money).

Liberal:  In between the above two parties

*Remember folks – this is a comedy blog*

I’ve been on a soft 80’s kick recently.  Is Phil Collins the Godfather of soft 80’s rock?  That’s not quite as tough sounding as Black Sabbath the Godfather’s of Metal.  Maybe this is why he hasn’t gone by this.

Top 3 things that I would rather do then go to Boots and Hearts (country music festival)

3) Be trampled by a pack of llamas that were all wearing headphones that had Rage Against the Machine cranked

2) Live with a man that only enjoyed Nascar and Indian Cricket for one full weekend.  Any time that you tried to change the channel he yelled at you, while shaking a box of Kraft Dinner (not sure if he’s threatening me to have to eat it or use it as a weapon)

3) Have to wear “cheesy saying” t-shirts purchased from Walmart for one full year.

I tried chewing tobacco while in high-school.  This was a huge mistake.  Why do they call it chewing tobacco if you don’t chew it?  I did chew it – then I barfed.  This was before the internet told me how to do things.

People that could climb trees quickly always fascinated me as a child.  They would scale a tree in less than 2 minutes.  They would then sit proudly on one of the thinner branches (looking confident, but also a bit scared) near the top of a 25 foot tree.  Then there would be the nervous, and less confident scaling down which included a jump that was probably a bit dangerous. Maybe I should clarify here – I never actually wanted to do this myself, and was fascinated why anybody would want to.

Knitting always confused me.  Why would anybody want to sit there and make a blanket for hours on end?  I think as you soon as you hit the age of 36 you begin to understand that your brain’s RPM needs to be slowed down every once in a while.  I still don’t knit, but I get it.

My shower was fixed recently in my apartment building.  By fixed I mean they repaired the wall with a slathering of paint and fu**ed up my water pressure.

Walking Down the Bean Aisle on a First Date

May two-four weekend is nearing its end.  I’d like to think that I had fond memories of this weekend in particular in the past, but this is not the truth.  Generally, every May two-four started the same.  Weather looks decent during the day, but nobody seemed to care (or looked) that it was going down to 7 degrees at night.  We then would rock a total summer tent with a sleeping bag that was manufactured in Vietnam for 30 degree evenings.  Gordo would state the following line that we would believe at the time “Drink more whiskey – that will keep you warm”.  Slater would throw a picnic table on top of the fire, Vicky would be barfing outside of her tent, and Ox would be talking about grocery shopping in his sleep. Then the next day it would all start again.

One May two-four many moons ago I had an unfortunate incident.  My parents had just purchased me a beautiful Green Bay Packers jacket for Christmas.

Packers jacket

This jacket could fit 12 cans of Budweiser in the pocket out front.  Confidently I strutted around the camp site opening a beer whenever I damn well pleased.  As the evening progressed somebody threw a can of beans in the fire.  Knowing that this was supposed to blow up I took shelter with everybody else behind trees. The can did make a popping noise but no beans came screaming out.  I wasn’t going to be fooled by this again.  The same joker threw another can of beans in the fire.  All the fools were taking shelter – I was spending no extra energy getting behind a tree three feet away. I’ve outsmarted everybody I thought to myself. This was a mistake.  You could hear the can beginning to steam (this was my first doubt that I’d made the right decision).  This was followed by an explosion.  Beans had covered not only the beautiful green and gold, but my entire face.  On top of this part of the can had burned through the arm of the jacket.  There was a valuable lesson learned in all of this.  Don’t go camping on May two-four weekend.

Beans used to be a common household item for most families I believe.  The nature of the way that your body reacts to this underrated nourishment has severely derailed the sales.  I’ve seen many old men in the bean aisle loading up.  Beans aren’t bad I always think to myself, but you are being a bit aggressive here.

Tim Horton’s chili is actually passable.  This is a once every two week meal for myself.  The last 3 times that I’ve been to Tim Horton’s there have been multiple people to not only greet me, but it also feels like they were waiting for me.  It’s a strange sensation.  Usually, when traveling through the drive thru you can hear their tones of “holy fu**, another fu**ing car – when does it end?????”

Eating salad at a Subway seems like it’s wrong for some reason.  “You are going to use the same vegetables that you would put on a sandwich.  Who do you think I am… a peasant?”

Had a pleasant brisk walk to Smile Tiger Coffee today.  When I arrived they had War on Drugs cranked on the stereo.  Did the only logical thing – wandered around giving props to each person that worked there as they stared at me with a puzzled look on their face.

Ready Player One – 7.5/10

Isle of Dogs – 8.2/10

It’s extremely odd to react in any way when getting Id’d.  Just hand them your Government issued card.  Don’t get offended and don’t react like they just made your day.  They already feel uncomfortable asking for this.  Drawing attention to it will make it even worse.  Keep the line going and move on with your 6 Palm Bay’s and bottle of Rose.

Top 3 things that I didn’t know I had a knack for but I do:

3) Jumping into a conversation after figuring out that they thought I had said something different than I actually said. Sometimes I have a tendency to speak not only in a deep voice, but can also mumble.  This has given me the skill of this.   Here’s an example.

  • Would you like a bag?
  • No, I think I’m good
  • Yes, it has been busy here today. It comes in waves.
  • Well, at least that makes for a quick work day
  • Yes it does sir, have a great day

2) Knowing what food is in the household and the chances of it being close to expired.  ‘I bought that spinach on May 15th at 4:07 pm.  The expiry said that it would be fresh until May 22nd at 8:23 pm.’ Sara shoots me an odd glare and replies “What’s wrong with you?”

1) Picking out first dates at any location.  It could be a combination of their body language or how they are drinking or eating.  I’m sure it’s even more awkward to have a dude staring at them intently while he sips on his craft beer.

On the Way to Kincardine in the El Camino

I only know a few couples that would talk in a British accent for the entire evening for fun.  These couples all have the exact same things in common.  The man generally enjoys (and feels a weird satisfaction) cutting the lawn.  The woman likes to make cakes in her spare time.  They are like the human version of what a Glee Club would be if every part of the ensemble was manufactured into a human body.  It makes me happy and feel sick all at the same time.  It’s a strange sensation.

There are too many salad dressings.  I can’t be walking up and down that aisle for 7 minutes looking at new types.  Just give me the top 5 that’s required.  It always works the same way.  “Hmmm, wonder what sweet onion parmesan would taste like?”  It’s a big risk – I’ll have this bottle for a minimum of two months.  Can’t chance it.

Grocery stores do seem to have better music nowadays.  This could be a combination of a couple of things.  People my age are in charge of the stores or the more likely scenario; I’m just noticing it more now because I’m actually paying attention and not just trying to find the chip aisle at a mad pace.

There were times where I would walk by the magazine section.  Maxim would obviously be sitting there for all to look at.  Growing up in a small town you couldn’t be caught with a Maxim in your hand at age 17.  You would get that look from a neighbor.  You know the look.  “Oh, my goodness.  What’s that Smith boy up to?  He probably smokes as well.  My Bobby would never be doing this.”  Meanwhile Bobby is beer touring with Big Willy on a side road out by Molesworth.

Molesworth is a small town going towards Wingham.  You knew when you hit Molesworth that you might as well shut your brain off for 30 minutes.  All there is to do is smell cow dung and look at farm animals.  That Adam Sandler stand up CD better be entertaining; because if not – I’m stopping at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way to Kincardine.

El Camino’s are half truck and half car.  Whoever invented this was a bold person.  You have to think that if this idea fails I’m getting fu**ing canned.

There are two stuffed animals in our apartment.  I always have them facing me while sitting on the couch.  When I’m eating something that I probably shouldn’t be I look around the room – the stuffed sheep especially has a judgmental face.  This will sometimes stop me from eating the food, but more than likely I will just turn the sheep around to face the wall.

I don’t trust adults that wear backpacks while walking out and about.  I find it odd that you have prepared for wherever you are going so much that you have a full backpack of supplies.

Supply teaching would be a tough gig.  No rapport with the students.  They have no idea who you are.  You are trying to pick up where Mrs. Henderson left off.  Tommy is going to try to figure out how to push your buttons.  Tammy is going to take her cellphone out and Snapchat somebody giving you the finger while you are writing on the chalkboard.  It’s a no-win situation in my mind.

Top 3 things that they will have to speed through during tonight’s Oscars to keep my attention.

1) Lifetime achievement award. Bringing some 90 year old dude that would probably rather be eating soda crackers on the couch with Myrtle. This is not his scene.  Just mail him the award.

2) Best short film. Yup, there will never be a time in my life that I will say to myself. Maybe I should search for these 20 minute films that were short-listed for the Oscars.

3) What they are wearing Oscars commentators. If you showed me a dress that came from Old Navy versus Jean-Francois Beaulivier’s studded dress (this is all made up… I think) with fabric that can only be found in Southern France – I couldn’t tell the difference.

Modeling for the Lifestyle Section of the KW Record

What the hell was I doing before Spotify Premium?  Going through album reviews on Pitchfork, word of mouth, and full blown research on bands.  If I worked that hard at keeping in shape I could be doing photo shoots for the Lifestyle section of the Kitchener Record.

The idea of the Sunshine Girl and Boy in the Toronto Sun is outrageous.  This alone should be enough to tell you whatever political party the Sun is voting for that you should not.

Trudeau can nearly do anything that he wants and I will never think that it’s that bad because of Trump.  It’s kind of like when you are in a group of friends and one of them is always high on meth, in jail, or constantly plastered – it really doesn’t matter what happens; you will always be the golden boy that the wives will be ok with their husbands hanging out with.

Top 3 ways to make me instantly sad

3. Prevent me from petting a dog at a party. I will generally sneak a few pets in without Sara looking. She is allergic to dogs.  I think I have said that I didn’t want to go to a party if I couldn’t pet the dog.  This was a low point of my life.

2. Ask me to help you move. There isn’t an activity that I hate more than moving. At the start it’s ok, but after 10 minutes I begin to detest the things in the boxes.  “Screw you plates.  Haven’t used any of you in like a year, and you are heavy.”

  1. Anything to do with heights. I walked over a bridge in Collingwood and was nervous.  Then a child that was about 4 was jumping up and down on the bridge (which had me grabbing the side).  Not my finest moment.

Many of you know that I’ve retired from DJ’ing.  I’m actually surprised it took me this long to do it.  Everything about it is against my personality.  Forced to play music that I detest, being stressed out due to being in charge of an important part of someone’s big day, and dealing with drunk women.  Let me explain the last part.  Now, not all women are like this, but a higher percentage than you think.  Here’s the general outline of the evening for this type of female.

6 pm – Third glass of wine goes down smoothly

6:47 pm – Starting to get sick of the dinner music (even though dinner is still happening)

7:32 pm – First gin goes down smooth (dessert is beginning to finish)

8:04 pm – Classic rock dance begins – what is this DJ doing? (Old people are still in attendance)

8:43 pm – I’m requesting songs – generally have a well thought out list at this point.  “Excuse me fine sir, do you take requests?  I believe these fine songs will get the crowd moving and shaking.”  I think to myself what a pleasant woman.

9:36 pm – “He’s only played one of the six that I requested.  What’s he doing up there?  Nobody cares about the Beatles.  Paul McCartney can go fu** himself.”

9:56 pm – Slams a third shot of tequila “woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

10:32 pm – “You know what I want to hear? (Stands there for a second. I can see the hard drive in her brain struggling to spin) Ummmmmm, I forget what it is.  I’ll be back.”

11:28 pm – Voice level has raised.  It’s mostly just yelling random words in my ear.  I can usually make out the song though. “Dog, drunk, these shoes hurt, it’s hot in here, Despacito, Despacito, Despacito,” I’m assuming you want to hear Despacito?

12:24 am – “What’s the fu**ing song that goes huuuuum, muuuuaaah, saaaaaaaa.  You know the one.  It’s always on the radio.  Fu*****************” (there are about 23 people remaining.  Mixture of the family that have to clean up after and a wasted group of friends)

1:03 am – As I’m beginning to wind down the end.  “PLAY BABY’S GOT BACK” (Aunt June looks at me with disapproving eyes.  Sorry June, I have to do what she says.  I’m afraid of her)

1:09 am – I clean up at a mad pace

Challenging all People in Deck Shoes to a Duel.

I don’t DJ all that much now, but when I do I have to ask for help of what’s popular to dance to.  So…. Lady Gaga isn’t popular anymore?  What about Pearl Jam?  You don’t know who Pearl Jam is?  Well, let me show you Alive.  What do you mean this is terrible?

There isn’t a bone in my body that enjoys UFC.  It actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  They should have cute dogs barking at them while the neanderthals scrap.

It’s a well known fact that I am not good with children.  There is nothing to talk about with them.  But I did find out that telling them that they are a moron for thinking that The Secret Life of Pets is the best movie of the year is frowned upon.

Secret Life of Pets – 7.5/10

Rapping is extremely difficult.  Many times people have attempted it at karaoke, but most fail miserably.  Becoming out of breath by just talking seems like a waste of energy.

Tacos have become the new bacon.  I have grown tired of those memes.  Show me something original.  Medium sized white man wearing a pastel green shirt, asking for a box of gobstoppers for dinner.  It doesn’t make sense, but at least it’s original.

White Reebok shoes and a good pair of deck shoes would take you through a good 10 years of your life as a middle-aged man in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Foxy Hamilton is a good name for an Exotic Dancer or a Private Detective from Harlem in the late 70’s.

Purchased NHL 17 today.  There were two options.  The standard game for $49.99 or the game with the figurine of Vladimir Tarasenko for $49.99.  I stated that I would take the game with the action figure for $49.99.  I also stated that the action figure was for my nephew.  Then, I stated that I don’t know why I said that.  This was the end of this transaction.  A simple purchase that became horribly awkward by D Smith.

One thing that is probably a common saying in most people’s households today.  “Let’s have a burger tonight.  I am so fu**ing sick of turkey that I never want to eat it again.  Fu** you turkey.”  That might be a bit aggressive at the end, but at least the first part could be accurate.

Was never a huge fan of Toucan Sam.  Always thought his noise would find other cereals as well as Fruit Loops.  There many cereals that smell like sniffing a bag of sweet tarts.

There is an always an awkward time when people look around the room for the guy that was laughing when somebody got their head chopped of in a horror movie.  Sorry!  I don’t know why I find this humorous.

Top 3 Christmas moments if you received a horse as a gift.

  1. Pulling the horse along the icy sidewalk yesterday morning.  Oh, that would have been a treat.  “Come on Bucky, maybe you should have better shoes on?”
  2. Feeding the horse only Kraft Dinner to see what happens.
  3. Stating to people that you would like to challenge them to a duel while riding your horse triumphantly around Victoria St at 7am on Boxing Day morning.

 

 

 

Ghostbusters All-Dog Cast

There is something about going through a food lineup with a rectangular designed dinner plate that makes you feel like you did something wrong.

One of my unknown talents is that I can swallow about 6 pills at once. This talent is only useful as a 75 year old man or at an Armin Van Buren show.

I picked up dry cleaning like an adult yesterday. “Yes, yes, I am very important. Give me that suit. Business stuff going on. Did you get that chocolate stain out? I was eating a drumstick at an undesirable temperature.”

Adventure’s Guild in Kitchener is fantastic. Nearly every board game that I have ever heard of is available. Learning how to play a new board game when nobody in the group has ever played it before is always the same. You look around the group hoping somebody that is nodding that they actually understand the rules is just lying, and is secretly just as slow as you are.

Watched Little Shop of Horrors in St. Jacobs this past Thursday. It was incredible. Especially the sets. The dinner that was included was at the Stone Crock in St. Jacobs. Not incredible. It felt like I was eating food after I was awoken from the Matrix. Is there supposed to be flavor? They almost blew our minds when they attempted to serve us coffee at the beginning of the meal. It was all very confusing.

While waiting at red lights I watch Pedestrians as they cross the street to see if any of them stumble a little just to watch their reaction. They either play it cool, and act like nothing happened, or they go back to the part of the road that was the culprit, kick it to the point of satisfaction that nobody else will ever trip on it again. Either way – we in the cars know, and we enjoyed watching it happen.

I believe in some things that hippy-ish. Like, leaving a smaller footprint. Trying to use less resources. Living a simple life. Until, the mention of not even needing doctors. You can heal everything naturally. Yup, you had me until you mentioned Aliens Scientologists.

**Before people become offended and begin to write things on my Facebook defending Mother Nature’s cures for all. Know that this is a comedy blog, and I have discussed Hamburger Helper becoming a person, and using ketchup as a weapon**

Sara and I know for a fact that all plants are killable. “Sun and water? What about just air?”

Did you know lip chap only has that tingly feeling on your lips to make you think that it’s working? It does nothing for you. What’s next, Tang isn’t oranges just made into powder?
In I want to throw my brain off of a bridge because the TV is so bad news. 11 shows from the CW have been renewed.

Don’t know if anybody was keeping track, but I was 3 for 4 on my Oscar picks that were posted. I always feel like after I say anything like this that a child with snot running down his nose is going to put his hand up.

Ghostbusters 2 has an all-female cast. Put up your hands if you don’t care that it’s all-female. Keep your hands up if you know that they are going to remake these movies over and over again with males and females. Again keep your hands up if you could care less if it was an all-dog cast, and their barks were lasers that captured the ghosts into their mouths and they said “nummy” in a comedic way after they finished devouring the ghost.

Sasquatches: Alive and well in Buffalo

I really like Spotify. Unfortunately I don’t like anybody else’s taste in music. So I create my own Spotify list because my musical taste is unique. Be like Daryl’s stick figure.

Over the next 5 years or so we are going to see many retailers close their doors. Here are some words of advice to people that are working at those suffering retail shops. Begin networking. It’s an extremely tough job market out there. It’s rare to find a decent job unless you know somebody on the inside.

Attempted to watch Sisters yesterday. Do Tina Fey and Amy Poehler get passes on movies based on who they are? I feel like a secret society is going to come after you if you criticize their work. I could only take about 30 min of that movie. It was awful.

Do you ever think that if people just didn’t believe in an after-life that it would solve many of the world’s issues? I bet you people don’t blow themselves up if there is no paradise in their future.

Kurt Vile is playing in Buffalo in March, but not Toronto. Here is the pros and cons. Pro – Get to see Kurt Vile. Con – Everything else.

I prefer when the Leaf fans expect their team to be decent, but end up disappointing them terribly. Listening to Joe Bowen’s heart break through a television broadcast is oddly satisfying.

Stanford Prison Experiment – 8.0/10

If I had won Lotto Max this past week I would put it all on Leonardo DiCaprio to win best actor at the Oscars.

There are many of my friends that post pictures of delicious food posts on Instagram. I may press like on the picture, but it’s more of a jealous like than anything else. You are the Tom Brady of the social media world. I respect what you have made, but that’s not going to get me any of your delicious breakfast.

One of the things that I like to tell people that have cable still is that you will no longer watch as much TV when you have to constantly think about what to watch. You feel great about not wasting time watching some Harry Potter movie that you have watched parts of on 7 different occasions. Instead, I can scroll through my Facebook feed and see why I should be like Bob. Damn it!

Sara and I ventured to Toronto yesterday to go to the Travel show. Sara tried to convince me throughout the day that we were there for other reasons other than trying to win a trip. We were there just to win a trip.

This year is the 10th anniversary of being diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. You get no anniversary present Mr. Colitis because you are a pain in the a** (pun intended)!

I really enjoy Spotify. Except when I am in the zone with an album, and a commercial comes on with some pop-punk music with people falling off skateboards. It’s only a matter of time before “Ow my balls” becomes a real show.

Top 3 things that happened during my winter camping experience that made me realize that winter camping wasn’t for me.

3 – With 2 miles left before the shelter I laid down on some snowmobile tracks and said that I could go no further.
2 – Mistaking many trees for the heads of bears, and yelling get out of here bear to a piece of wood.
1 – Hearing sasquatch communicating calls during the night. As we all know, sasquatches are deceptively sneaky.

It would be terrible being a doctor in 1800’s. I feel like you were just taking a guess nearly every time you saw something that you hadn’t seen before. I guess if you hadn’t seen it before you could also just blame the devil.

Stepping on kid’s toys in the night is in the top 20 reasons why I do not wish to have children. Number one reason is that I always thought it would be good to adopt an 18 year old kid so I would have somebody to drink and play golf with when I got older. This seemed like a bad reason to have a child.

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Adele’s fear of Black Friday, and how French Onion dip helped.

There is a weird sense of satisfaction that goes over somebody’s face when you call them a filthy animal.

Black Friday has come and gone. When you don’t work in the retail world it’s just another day. If you do work in the retail world, it’s a massacre on the senses. You get home from work and pour yourself a stiff drink. Your wife approaches you slowly. Touches you on your shoulder, you flinch slightly. She asks you how your day was, you sit in silence. You shower with your head down. Listening to Adele until the pain begins to subside. As you look up, you see the shadow of Boxing Day coming down the street. It’s about to all begin again. Then a hefty pay cheque comes. Life is good again.

I haven’t been involved in all that many pillow fights. But I remember one distinctly. Somebody put a stuffed animal in their pillow to give it more weight. Somebody got hit with the eye of the stuffed animal through the pillow case. It was my first memory of somebody using an illegal object in a match. This person wasn’t allowed any grape pop and had to be the New York Islanders in NHL 95.

Going to the afternoon movies by yourself is underrated. Especially when most of the crowd is of the older generation. Eating popcorn one by one, and sipping on their small diet coke. It was my kind of crowd.

Room – 9.5/10

One of the best movies that I have seen this year. About a girl that was abducted 7 years ago and ends up having a child. One room is all the child has ever seen. It’s also from the prospective of the child. Brie Larson should be up for a best actress nomination in my opinion.

I don’t know what’s wrong with the Green Bay Packers. It’s like trying to explain why some people like the smell of gasoline.

Top 3 things that when I am driving that make me upset that I feel bad about

1. Getting upset at an elderly person crossing the road when I am trying to turn left. You just want to pick them up and carry them to the other side.
2. Driving directly behind a city bus, and coming up to a railway track. “I have never seen a damn train ever on this track. Why are we still stopping? Just in case a two man push/pully comes through?”
3. Cyclists – I know, I know. You have no room at all in the Tri-Cities, but when you beat me to where I am going because I am in a traffic jam it upsets me.

There are many people that I have talked to that believe they could be a stand-up comedian. You just think to yourself “there is no fu**ing way.” This is the point where you want to call them out. But then you have to give them a few minutes to bumble through a fart joke. So, the lesson here is that you just agree that they could do it.

Sometimes I am selfish. There are times when I wish a band wouldn’t succeed quite as much so they will come to Kitchener for a concert.

As a species we can be dull. Constantly complaining about things that we don’t have any control over or don’t know the facts about. Never creating something for yourself. Something that you haven’t seen, heard, or read before. Just regurgitating things that you see online that are the same right wing or left wing idea that’s in your head. It’s so bloody boring.

The Maze Runner – Scorch Trials (I fell asleep with 30 min to go. This will give you an idea of the rating that it’s about to receive.) 2.9/10

If you enjoy watching movies with teenagers running for their lives – then this is a must see.

You know you are talking to a musician if they say Jimi Hendrix is overrated. You know you are talking to a musical snob if their top 5 albums are bands that you have never heard of.

I have explained why I was eating something bad to my cat once. They were giving me this look of shame when I opened a French onion dip and stuck my finger and just ate that. “There was only a bit left.”

Joe Buck and his wonderful day in upstate New York with Alcides Escobar

The Jays are out. It was a heartbreaking defeat. They were beat by the better team. Unfortunately in playoff baseball you can’t live and die by the long ball. And that’s exactly what they tried to do. Situational hitting is a must at this level. Jose Bautista tried to will the team to victory with home run after home run in big spots. This team would be long gone if it wasn’t for his efforts.

Top 3 things Fox announcers are doing after the Royals put out the Jays.

1. Joe Buck is going for a nice evening with Alcides Escobar in the wine region of New York. They will reminisce on his brilliant over-reactions to seeing-eye singles while riding side by side on horseback. It will just be a superb day.
2. Harold Reynolds will go back to staring at the wall until the next game starts.
3. Fox has announced that each fan in the outfield must grow an Amish beard as a salute to a great American hero.

It’s amusing to look at all the Facebook posts after the election took place. Every PC backer talks about money, and, well, that’s it. Every NDP backer says, well at least it’s not Harper. And the rest of the world is talking about how gorgeous Justin is.

There was never really a time that I enjoyed going to gym class less then when we had to learn how to line dance. There were 2 – 1 hour sessions of my life that I will never get back. And that fact that I know how to line dance a bit is a feeling I will have to live with the rest of my life.

Pizza Pops did quite of damage to me as a child. There was nothing you could do once that pizza goo was in your mouth and it was 300 degrees Celsius. You were done. You tried to create saliva as fast as possible, but you ended up just getting burning hot pizza goo onto your chin. Thinking back now – why didn’t I use a knife and fork?

All the years of golf that I have played, and I have never bagged myself trying to hit a golf ball in between two trees.

I was a goaltender in hockey when I was growing up. That’s all, I thought I would just bring that up. Oh, and I was bagged a lot then.

Why weren’t clear braces made up until a decade ago? It was bad enough that I had to wear pieces of metal in my mouth, but did you have to make it look like my mouth was part of a Terminator movie?

When you looked in somebody’s fridge growing up there was always two jugs of things that looked like orange juice. One was Tang and one was actually orange juice. I never thought to open it up to smell it; so I always just picked the one that had the most unnatural orange colour. I think that I ran a 98% mark of getting Tang. After thinking about this now, that wasn’t all that impressive.

One of these days I would like to complain about the rain; because I just had the car washed.

Liquid metal did it all for the Nookie

Volkswagon! Why? “Also the airbags don’t work. Didn’t think anyone would notice that either.”

Kurt Vile has made a wonderful new record – b’lieve I am goin down. Guitar work is immaculate, and the tone of the whole album in general is just a thing of beauty. 8.9/10

I like being experimental with food. Except for with chips. You are the worst if you are hosting an event and everybody is enjoying the evening and you go to grab snacks and this is said right after. “I haven’t tried these before, but they look great. Avocado barbeque chips anyone?” I know some of you think that sounds good. Well, it kind of does, but please have dill pickle on file just in case.

Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl – 8.4/10

Perfectly shot and fantastically written. Tough story line, but really well done. I recommend this to everyone, including you Dhooma. If it has more than 3 paragraphs of dialogue and no robots Dhooma is out.

Fantasy Football is a roller coaster of emotion. You believe your team is solid. Davante Adams is going to break out this year. 2 weeks later. “Davante Adams is sh**!”

In recent studies it has shown that Toronto is the worst city in North America to drive in. Great night tonight. Paid $200.00 for each Leaf ticket, was stuck in traffic for 2 hours. Paid $40.00 for parking, and the Leafs lost 5-0. And we are just now figuring out that this isn’t a fantastic evening for the whole family.

At one point in my life I was playing the Sims and made the Sims all my current friend’s names. I would walk around town and talk to them and see what they were up to. It was entertaining to see what they were doing, and see how closely they resembled my actual friends. I then realized that I could actually really do this if I wanted to, and stopped playing the game.

There was always that one kid at the pool that attempted to do crazy stunts off of the diving board. You knew one of these times he was going to really hurt someone or himself, but somehow it never happened. Wonder what he is doing now?

Everyone always feels uncomfortable around police officers. Even if we aren’t doing anything wrong. We just assume that they are like the Terminator from T2. They are going to look right at us, understand that there was a point that we did glance at our phone while driving; morph from liquid metal into a motorcycle and come after us.

There should be support groups for bad music that we have purchased when we were younger. Sit around in a circle and talk about it. “How did you feel the first time that you heard Nookie? Did you feel like you did it all for that?”

Halloween is coming up. I do enjoy dressing up. I always get put into costumes that are extremely uncomfortable, and have to grow a moustache for. Actually I think this is my own doing. I just look so damn attractive with that beautiful area of hair above my upper lip.

There are three times in my life that I have agreed to things that I wouldn’t have normally agreed to; because I didn’t hear what they said and was just trying to be polite.

You would think that I would follow this up with my top 3, but the Jays game is starting.  D Smith out!