Harold Reynolds and his mission to ruin Thanksgiving in Canada

Happy Thanksgiving – sometimes I wish I had one of those families that had that uncle that was going through a divorce, had a little too much to drink, and starts spilling all the beans on the family business.  Unfortunately, my family is pretty normal.

Top 3 creepy things you can do while at the Thanksgiving parade

  1.  Eat an ice cream cone by yourself, but eat it at a much slower pace than usual, and look around at the crowd while doing it.
  2. Cheer out of control for things.  Whether it be candy or just a float with advertising on it.  Uncontrollable cheering will always be appreciated.
  3. Take off your shirt and wrap it around your waist while sporting a decent pair of ’80s villain shades.  Then continue to weave in and out of the crowd, gently bumping into people.

When you wake up in the middle of the night and have a hard time falling back asleep some of things that you think about are weird.  I was debating getting up and putting some potato chips in the freezer.  I remember them tasting much better after doing that.

Thanksgiving Tacos – is this a thing for anyone?  I understand that Turkey is the thing, but since most of us go to multiple Thanksgivings; we could maybe throw this into the mix.  Ground turkey, cilantro, onion, spinach, salsa, and sour cream.

The aging process will always hit you the same way when you are in your mid-30s.  You will begin to walk outside in the fall and just marvel at the beauty of the trees.  Any other time of your life, you either complain about Winter coming or that you have to clean up the leaves on the yard.

The Martian – 9.0/10

This is an extremely realistic look at a man being abandoned on Mars and having to try to survive.  It’s so realistic that many people took to the Twitter world and asked if this was based on a true story.  74% of these people are also voting PC this election.

I have faith in the Toronto Blue Jays and the Green Bay Packers.  I cannot say the same for the Philadelphia Flyers.  They stink!  They might struggle in a game against the Listowel Jr. “B” Cyclones.

Work sent me to Orlando recently.  Unlike Vegas, it is nearly impossible to get into trouble near Disney.  “Oh sir, the nightlife is everywhere here.  There is a great wings restaurant that is open till 10pm.  They have margarita’s and hot wings.  That is if you are really living on the edge.”

Everybody is upset with Harold Reynolds.  He stated during the Jays game last night the following.  “There’s not a lot of people playing baseball in Canada.  They’re not used to catching a lot of balls in the stands.”  Hopefully this goes to 5 games so we can say not very nice things to him and pelt him with Timbits.  Then apologize after.

The nectar of the Gods is available at Innocente Brewery.  It’s called their Charcoal Porter.

If you wear tighter shirts your muscles do look larger.  But you have to be careful.  Your beer gut also appears to be larger as well.  Maybe I will get a shirt that is tight up top, but loose on the bottom.  Wait, that’s a dress.

The board game Pandemic should state in the rules that if you have had 6 beers or more that your brain would be better suited to play Ticket to Ride.  After 12, it’s Snakes and Ladders.

If I ever received a phone call and somebody was using the voice box on the other line.  I would just hang up.  I can guarantee that whatever you say is not a good deal for me.

Yahoo Serious cooking armadillo over an open fire at Rib Fest today

Every time it gets this hot it makes me think of putting on a mesh shirt, cut off jean shorts that show the pockets, and a pair of glasses that have that beautiful top frame. Kind of like this.

Rib Fest is currently going on. Sara and I are venturing down there after she is finished work. How many people have been turned to the dark side by bacon or ribs?

Started watching the show “Humans” recently. Very good scifi show about a group of androids that are able to think for themselves. And the people hunting them. 8.6/10

I have developed ways to move a tale forward told by a long-winded story teller. This only works if you have already heard the story. If you haven’t, you will need to suffer or just be a douche and walk away. You throw in key words that ruin mediocre story parts that are anti-climactic. Try it out. Just not on me, you dick.

A sleeveless Neo jacket from the Matrix is an outfit that we witnessed yesterday. When you put that on there is no telling where the night could end. Are you fighting crime, going to an underground club, or are you just going to the local Money Mart?

Nothing good ever happens when a group of people are holding sticks that have fire bellowing off of the end of it while walking in unison towards a building. If you are in that building, there is no reasoning with them. They have already made up their mind. And you should leave now.

Amy Schumur is the new sweetheart of the world. This seems to happen to us every year or so. We broke up with Jennifer Lawrence, and are now dating Amy Schumur. We are also still casually flirting with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as well. But it’s nothing. I swear it’s nothing.

(Pan-Am Games rant)

People are extremely upset about Kanye West being the entertainment for the closing ceremonies. They are just trying to sell tickets. What they should have done is have a Canadian act as the co-headliner. Arcade Fire, Drake, or even Hedley could have been the token Canadian act. Why are we so angry about this anyways? Most people didn’t want the games to begin with, and now we are getting upset about the act that they get to close the ceremonies. Yes, he is a megalomaniac. Yes, he is a jerk. But he is one of the biggest names in music and he sells tickets.

Back to regularly scheduled programming. There are people that can’t smell asparagus in their pee. It’s a very small percentage of people, and I wish I was one of them.

I know that there is consequences when I am going to eat a Blizzard. It’s a real balance with how good it’s going to taste, and how bad you are going to feel. Every bite is putting another bullet into the lactose gun. Maybe if I put more chocolate into it I will not be quite as injured? There are many ways you can tip the scales into a more favorable format, but in the end. You still lose, and so does your significant other.

Sometimes I felt bad for the gentle giant at parties. Every time some rough housing would start people would look to him to fix the situation. It was always the same guy that started shit. Now thinking back, the gentle giant should have had pepper spray. That always slows everybody down. Maybe not Jean Claude Van Damme, but the average 106 lb shit talker from Letterkenny, yes.

You had to be stoned to do the camera work for Polka Dot Door. Panning the camera over to a stuffed bear pretending that he is saying something witty is a weird job to have.

bear

Did Yahoo Serious ever sue the search engine Yahoo? He is probably in the outback cooking Armadillo over an open fire as we speak; looking at a “Young Einstein” poster with a single tear running down his face. He might not even know that the internet was created. Or did he create it? Things to think about on a balmy Sunday morning in the tri-cities.

Rapa Nui – 6.1/10 (early 90’s flick)

This is a movie about the aboriginal people that lived on Easter Island. The scenery is nice. Acting is ok. The only reason to watch it is that they have a training montage to prepare for the Birdman competition. No, Michael Keaton is not in this gem.

Top 3 things to do to prepare for Rib Fest.

1. Consume many vegetables the days leading up to the event.
2. Speak caveman, eat meat from bone
3. Put on a mesh shirt and a sleeveless Neo Matrix jacket

An Oath to better prepare math teachers at the buffet line

The multicultural festival was this past weekend in Kitchener. This is an event where you can go and enjoy food from nearly every type of ethnic origin in the area. The only thing we missed out on was the giant turkey leg. You really don’t want the meat sweats in 30 degree weather though.

Jurassic World – 8.2/10

Terrific movie. Really like that they just pretended that the last two Jurassic Park’s didn’t take place whatsoever. Chris Pratt again is solid. It’s a perfect movie for theatre going. Fun for the whole family. Dinosaurs eating humans is always entertaining.

When are the PC ads going to target the NDP? This has to be coming soon. They might have a hard time with the same ads. Tom Mulcair too handsome for politics?

Went to the horse races for the first time in about ten years on Friday. What a grand old time. Even by just having two dollars on a horse makes you yell like a lunatic at a window without the ability for anybody of importance to hear you. Except that seriously angry old-man that is here to win money. He gave me the newbie look at least three times.

As a young lad I thought I would always eat at buffets when growing up. I thought, well you have everything here. Why wouldn’t I always just get this?

Somebody needs to give Brett Cecil a hug.

Sara and I just started to get back into Helix. The show and the band. What a fantastic show this is. It has the creepy vibe turned to 10. Disease outbreak that starts on an island. Two stories run side by side thirty years apart about how the disease started, and how they are trying to stop the outbreak 30 years in the future. 8.9/10

How do psychics stay in business? I guess they don’t have any overhead costs. They don’t really need to sharpen their skills. Just a deck of cards and some candles. Can you be spiritual without table and the dark room? Or is this to show the spirits that you are serious, and you need answers?

Math teachers were extremely wrong about not always having a calculator with you at all times.

If you constantly have problems with underarm stains on your shirts there is an easy solution. You wear an undershirt. The last thing that you want is to give jerk-ass 13 year old kids firepower when you can prevent it by just wearing a t-shirt.

Throwing on Sportsnet 360 a few days ago I heard a WWE superstar Seth Rollins grab the mic in Cleveland. He is currently the champion. He had one of the best speeches that I have heard. “Johnny-idiot face over there isn’t going to bring you a championship. Neither is Lebron. This is the closest that you will be to a championship. You better enjoy it.” Johnny Manziel was in the crowd.

We are on a kick of trying to take advantage of everything for free. This caused me to go down to a known elderly person hangout to receive a hotdog and enter a ballot for a bike. One of the things that I had to do was guess what colour the quilt was that had the smallest pattern. I guessed it right off of the bat. It’s the one with the smallest shapes was my thought. They were shocked that I got it with my first guess. I was then forced to ask questions about what they were making so I didn’t look rude. At the end of this experience, I am not sure if I am any better or worse. But I did know that I wasn’t going to get those 28 minutes back.

I think I would still go to Jurassic World if they re-opened it back up in a week. I would just think to myself. They are for-sure ready for dinosaurs in cages now.

It seems to be tougher to be spiritual when you are sitting cross-legged in the snow instead of in the sun. Spirituality works a lot better when it’s a beautiful day.

People in the future are going to think that we were idiots for putting up with commercials for as long as we did. “You spent how long watching a guy from Toronto talk about jewelry while waving fistfuls of cash in your face?” Yeah, and that was one of the better ones.

When I see a grown man spinning around in circles on a lawn with his arms spread out wide, I cross the street to the other sidewalk. This is an oath that I have decided to take unknowingly.